


Do I know you?

by flatearthersociety



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man/Deadpool - Joe Kelly (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Peter Parker, Cliches Galore, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Deadpool being Deadpool, Fluff, M/M, Marvel Universe, Pansexual Wade Wilson, Peter Parker - Freeform, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter is 21, Roommates, Spiderman/Deadpool - Joe Kelly (Comics) Spoilers, Spideypool - Freeform, Super Soldier Serum, Wade Wilson - Freeform, Wade is 35, college age peter, maybe a bit of angst, my little trashcans, or something like that, otp, trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2018-12-20 16:48:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 46,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11925081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flatearthersociety/pseuds/flatearthersociety
Summary: hi guys! this isn't my first fic, but it is my first on AO3 so if you have any input at all it would mean so much if you commented and gave kudos. enjoy!





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys! this isn't my first fic, but it is my first on AO3 so if you have any input at all it would mean so much if you commented and gave kudos. enjoy!

It was a rather dreary day in Brooklyn, but Spider-man still lounged on the roof of an office building. He never minded the weather, seeing how he would always be able to wash his suit, and criminals didn’t stop fucking up the lives of civilians depending if it was a sunny day or not. Spidey was always busy between school, his minimum-wage job at the Daily Bugle, occasionally helping out Mr. Stark and patrol, so downtime was a much sought-after period. At the moment, he was typing an essay on his phone on the recessive traits of field mice for his genetics course. He wasn’t slacking off on patrol- he had just finished his normal route and was ready to spring to action after hearing any cries of ‘Help me!’ or ‘I love you, Spider-man!’  Being the friendly neighborhood Spider-man was a lot more responsibility than one thought it would be, seeing how Spidey was caught patrolling the city for almost five hours each day, just to return home and try to get some work done, which was also quite the struggle due to his rather loud roommate.

 

After a good fifteen minutes of his attempting to write an essay, a loud shriek could be heard, about three blocks away. Stowing his phone into a hidden pocket, Spidey leapt from his spot and shot a web, swinging towards the sound of distress. After almost swinging into a fire escape, he perched on the roof overlooking the alley that the call had come from. In the alley wasn’t a crying woman being mugged or someone being held at gunpoint- instead Spidey saw a red and black clad man with his legs impossibly crumpled beneath him. He looked like he had fallen from the roof.

 

“Spidey! Care to help a buddy out?” came the call from below. Spider-man sighed and began climbing down the wall. The man in the alley wolf whistled and a shout of “Lemme see that spidey-ass!” could be heard. Spidey groaned in annoyance and instead of giving the man another glimpse of his spandex-clad ass, jumped the last ten feet to the ground. 

“What do you want , Deadpool?” came the tired response. Spidey had had his fair share of run-ins with the merc with a mouth, most of them ending with Deadpool trying to either touch his ass or get his number. To date, Deadpool hadn’t gotten his number, but he did touch Spider-man’s ass once. In return, he got thrown into a brick wall. He still claims that it was worth it.

 

“Just a hand getting back on my feet,” Deadpool said with a wink.  _ How did he wink? _ Spidey wondered,  _ He’s wearing a mask, that shouldn’t be possible _ . 

“Deadpool, you have a healing factor. You’ll be fine in ten minutes,” Spidey started, clearing a spot on a nearby dumpster and then taking a seat.

“Yeah, but I’m hungry. Mind grabbing some tacos for a brother?” Deadpool asked, rubbing his belly enthusiastically. Spider-man rolled his eyes and picked himself up.

“You can go without eating for ten minutes, so deal with it.” Spidey really wasn’t in a mood for Deadpool’s shenanigans, but that social clue, like most others, went soaring of the merc’s head. He began to walk away. Deadpool didn’t complain about his sudden leaving and didn’t mention his booty, which didn’t seem like him. Spidey heard the  _ click _ of a camera, and whipped around to see Deadpool taking photos of his ass and grinning.  _ How the fuck does he grin through a  _ mask _? _ Spidey thought as he ran towards Deadpool and smacked the phone out of his hand. Deadpool sighed. 

“Does that mean no Spidey-booty?” Deadpool asked, disappointment clear in is voice.

“No. No ‘Spidey-booty’ for you, Pool.” Spider-man reprimanded. He shot a web to the roof of a nearby building. “See you around!” He shouted, swinging away into the fast-moving city. Shooting webs had always cleared his mind. Whether it was the lack of worries, the lack of loud people with panda-eyes, or the lack of oxygen, he always managed to feel calmer. He decided that he should be heading home to finish his essay, so he began swinging his way back home to his messy apartment with a loud roommate. 

 

Spidey stopped in a nearby alley to pull on a pair of pants and a hoodie and remove his mask, so he looked pretty much like a civilian, minus the part of his suit that was visible between his shoes and the bottom of his pants. He shoved his mask into a backpack he had webbed into that alley, and then trotted home.

 

Shoving his key in the lock, Peter Parker opened the door to his disgraceful home. He heard no telltale banging of pans or screaming at mariokart on the TV screen, so he safely assumed that he was home alone. Stumbling through the haphazardly stacked empty pizza boxes on the floor and avoiding the occasional porn mag, Peter made his way to his room and slammed the door shut. He threw his backpack onto his bed and began changing out of his suit. Hoping that his roommate wouldn’t be home for the next thirty seconds, he made a mad naked dash for the bathroom across the living room and closed the door behind him. Five seconds later he heard a key in the lock of their door.

 

“Anybody home?” Wade Wilson asked, shutting the door behind him with his foot. 

“I’m in the shower,” Peter responded, manipulating the knobs of the shower in hopes that the shower would turn on. After quite a few fruitless attempts he called out, “Wade, does this shower actually function?” 

“Shower? You shower? Puny mortal, I bathe in the tears of orphaned children.”

“Very funny, now which know do I push?”

“You’ve lived in this apartment for three weeks and you  _ still _ can’t operate the shower?”

“Shut up, Wade,” Peter grumbled.

Wade laughed. “The knob on the left. Pull on it for the water to turn on, and turn it left and right for temperature.” 

Peter did as he was told, and stepped into the flow of water. After a few minutes of scrubbing himself, Peter piped up, “Wade, what does the other knob do?”

Wade sniggered. “Nothing. I installed it solely for the reason to fuck with people.”

Peter sighed and finished his shower. After drying off with a towel that had been flung on the floor, he wrapped it around his waist and shuffled through the debris that made up the living room in an attempt to make it back to his bedroom. About halfway through his journey, he was stopped by Wade, who had been cooking. Wade shoved a pancake in Peter’s mouth and asked, “So, how is it? Not burnt, I hope.” Peter kept one hand on his towel and removed the pancake from his mouth with the other hand after taking a bite. He chewed thoughtfully, the responded, “It’s pretty good, but Tuesday’s batch was better.” Wade nodded and clomped towards the kitchen. Peter finished his pancake, and then made his way back to his room. Living with Wade Wilson was quite the challenge, but he could manage. Couldn’t he?


	2. Wade's night job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade makes a cash run while Peter "sleeps"  
> Disclaimer: This chapter is a bit dark and a bit gory, so if any of that bothers you I'd skip this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thanks for reading the first chapter and hopefully this one too. uploads this often or this long won't be very common, but i decided why not. enjoy!

Wade had barely made it back to his bed before he collapsed in pain. His legs had regenerated, but the itching pain of leaping off a seven story roof still lingered.

 

_ So maybe jumping off a roof while screaming ‘CANNONBALL’ in hopes that you land safely in a dumpster  _ isn’t _ the best idea, huh? _

“Oh, shut it,” Wade grumbled. He grabbed a beer that he found sitting on his nightstand- _ it’s not a damn nightstand, it’s just a milk crate with cardboard on top- _ and took a long swig. He leaned his head against the wall and groaned. He needed a distraction. He had just made pancakes for Peter, which was plenty of fun seeing the look of confusion on the poor boy’s face, but that wasn’t enough. Maybe he should take the job that had been offered to him. Wade checked his phone and saw the text on his screen. He took a deep breath and then threw his deadpool suit in his much-beloved Hello Kitty bag.

“Petey!” He shouted, hoping that his roommate could hear.

“What?” came the response.

“I’m heading out. There are more pancakes in the fridge.”

“Thanks Wade!”

Wade grumbled once again and heaved himself off his bed, checking his phone one last time for details. After stumbling out of his apartment building, he hailed a cab. The job was in the suburbs of New Jersey, so it was gonna be a long ride.

 

The large stone mansion stood in the suburbs of Alpine, New Jersey. It had been erected there in 1895, in the name of a person who was rather important at the time. Despite it’s momentary meaning, very few people knew the true significance of it, and more importantly, no one cared.  The gardens surrounding the mansion were abundant with flowers of every variety, but at the time being their varying colors were masked by the dark night. A low stone wall surrounded the property, however it wasn’t as effective as it seemed, as Deadpool was able to scale it with ease with two boxes of chinese takeout under one arm. A warm, welcoming glow came from all of the 196 windows decorating the place. He had counted them after circling the place multiple times, doing his best to leave no trace in the form of trampled flower beds. He held the chinese takeout boxes close to his face and savored their pleasant heat, took a deep breath, and then set off towards the grand entrance to the estate. 

 

Wade adjusted his cheap baseball cap, which had been embroidered with the words  _ Got Noodles? _ Underneath a terribly drawn bowl containing something that looked more like limp brown worms rather than noodles. He rang the doorbell and waited a few seconds before impatiently ringing it a few more times until a young woman opened the door. 

“Hello? How can I help you this evening?” She seemed like a nice lady, however Wade was running out of time and couldn’t stay to chat. 

“Lemme in.” Wade said and attempted to push past her, but she held her ground and refused to let him pass. “Please? Let me in.” She ignored his words and continued to block his movement. Wade sighed. He racked his brain for any sort of way to get her out of his hair- _ or lack thereof _ -, and then one thing came to mind. The one thing that could persuade him: Money. $20 later Wade was off into the long, winding, crimson red carpeted hallways with directions to the kitchens. 

 

Wade kept a hand on the long knife concealed under the hideous name-brand bright yellow hoodie that he was wearing. He wouldn't wear this appalling top- _ haha you said top _ \- on any other occasion. Nonetheless, Wade Wilson would do anything that a job requires.  He followed the woman’s directions until he reached what looked like a rather sizeable pristine white kitchen. A large man in chef’s clothing saw him standing somewhat awkwardly in the doorway and approached him. 

“Excuse me mister, I don’t remember ordering any chinese foo-” In one swift motion Wade drew his knife from where it lay hidden and drove it through the side of his rather fleshy throat. In hindsight, killing the poor man wasn’t necessary, but Wade was known to do rather irrational things in the heat of the moment. Wade grabbed his back and eased him onto the floor as he gurgled and blood poured from the wound. Wade attempted to shush him, however then he realised how stupid he must have looked and just decided to stay quiet. His eyes began to slowly close, and Wade let go of him as he stopped his struggling. Wade then promptly stood up as if nothing had happened, quickly strolled over to a sink and washed the blood off of his hands. He watched the thick dark red liquid flow down the drain in a mesmerizing fashion, and dried his hands on a towel. Wade might murder people in cold blood, but he had  _ some _ hygiene standards. He began to walk back out of the kitchen and down a long hallway

 

Wade hadn’t entered the mansion completely unprepared, as he had flipped through some blueprints before making the trip, so he knew where to find Felix Gallucci; the man of the hour. Wade trekked straight towards his office with a spring in his step. After about five minutes Wade reached the door to Felix’s office. He knocked three times for no apparent reason, and after hearing a brief “Enter” from within. Wade opened the door.

He had expected Felix to be older, but he looked around the age of 30, his gleaming green eyes and shiny black hair matching his black and white casual suit. 

His eyes inherited a curious look when he saw that Wade wasn’t a maid or servant of sorts, but Wade ignored his glance and strolled towards him until he was right in front of his desk. Wade placed down the chinese food and while his attention was towards the lo mein noodles, he reached inside of his hoodie to grab his knife, however he was grasping at thin air.  _ Damn, _ he thought to himself as he remembered how he had left it in the chef’s neck.  Wade had been lost in thought, scolding himself until he heard Felix clear his breath. 

“It has been a great surprise having this food that I did not order, but why are you still here?” His voice rang through Wade’s head and on an impulse he reached forwards and grabbed the closest thing to him: a plastic knife that had come with the food. Wade lunged over the desk at Felix with the plastic knife, aiming for the left side of his face. Or right side, from his point of view. While Wade did make the shot, it didn’t go in the way he expected. 

Felix screamed, his once vibrant right-no, left eye now punctured by the handle of a cheap plastic knife. Blood poured from the wound, but not enough to kill him. Wade scrambled for something to finish the job and grasped a sharp letter opener that had been lying along with some pens on his desk. Wade jabbed it through his throat. This unintended tracheotomy had a larger effect than expected, as his screams became more desperate. In fear of these shrieks alerting the staff, Wade pushed priceless knick-knacks and papers off of a nearby windowsill and opened the window. A cool breeze floated in, and he took a deep breath, trying to ignore the now quieter but still present screams. Wade perched in the windowsill, ready to make an escape when necessary, but he knew if he left now there was a possibility Felix could live, and he couldn’t have that happening. Felix’s fingers had begun turning blue from the blood loss, and at that point Wade knew the job was done. He had started climbing out of the window when the mahogany door to the study slammed open.

 

“HEY!”

A uniformed young man had entered the room, his eyes scanning the strange predicament. His eyes widened at the sight of Felix sprawled out, a plastic knife stuck in his eye and a letter opened impaled in his throat, blood dripping from these wounds. The young man’s eyes shifted from Felix’s slightly mutilated form to Wade slowly climbing out of the window multiple times in a rather comical fashion before his hands stop shaking and the aghast expression dropped from his face. He lunged for Wade’s hands, the only thing keeping him from plummeting from the sill. Wade knew quickly assessed the situation; his two options were to fall to the ground or to get dragged back into the house and be either arrested or given death penalty. At the time he forgot that no death penalty could affect him, however dropping from the window seemed like his best bet. Wade let go of the windowsill and plummeted to the ground. 

_ Crash. _

 

A flowery hibiscus bush had cushioned his fall, causing little to no injury. Wade looked up to see the uniformed man sticking his head out of the window. Wade gave him a toothy grin and a nice view of his middle finger before running for his car, which was parked just outside of the stone wall. He made it a point to trample on as many tulips as possible, because hey; what screams  _ asshole  _ more than killing two men and stepping on some neatly arranged flowers. Wade grimaced as he pulled himself over the wall and then jumped into the taxi, screamed for Dopinder to bring him to Sister Margaret’s, and was left staring at the bloodstains and chinese takeout, which by then had become cold. What a waste.

 

Sister Margaret’s Home for Orphaned Girls had been a long-time home to Wade. No, he was not an orphaned girl; he had killed his own parents though. Wade pushed the door open and stepped in. As per usual, there seemed to be a brawl taking place. Two men were standing on top of the pool table, fists raised as the crowed roared everything from “KILL HIM!” to “GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!” Brawls like this were a very common occurrence, so Wade paid no heed to it and made his way towards a somewhat shady looking figure standing in the corner. The figure was thumbing through his phone and occasionally glancing around the room, as if he was expecting someone, which he was. Wade approached to him and tapped him on the shoulder. He jumped a little bit, but relaxed when he saw that it was Wade. 

“Is the job done?” He mumbled, attempting to seem as if he wasn’t talking to Wade by talking into the space in front of him. Wade found it ridiculous, so he stood in front of him and made eye contact. It made him visibly uncomfortable, which Wade frankly ignored. 

“Yep,” Wade said, popping the “P.” “Have the cash?” The man offered his hand out to Wade, in a gesture of acceptance. Wade gave him a high-five. He look rather shocked, but continued to hold his hand out. Wade attempted to give him another high-five, however he pulled his hand away.

“Where is it?” He asked.

“Where is what?”

“The head.” He had begun to look rather annoyed.

“The.. head?” Wade repeated rather cautiously.

“Yes, the head.” He growled. “I need my proof.”

Wade gestured to a television screen conveniently located behind him which was spouting information rather loudly on the recent murder of Felix Gallucci, and how a scarred man in a hoodie was spotted on the crime scene.

“How do I know it was you?”

This man was starting to get on Wade's last nerve. “It was me, buddy. You want the head? I’ll get it.” Wade stormed out, making sure to flip him the middle finger to show him the pain of the extra work he had inflicted upon him. Honestly, Wade had considered just leaving and not getting the head. He had paid me a flat price of $500, but a mere $500 won’t pay for half of his rent in Brooklyn and bowls of ramen. 

  
  


30 minutes later Wade arrived at the crime scene. He thanked Dopinder, and assured him that he would be back in less than fifteen minutes.

 

Five cop cars had swarmed the place, and a body was being carried out on a stretcher right at the moment Wade had gotten there. How convenient. Wade ran up to the men who were carting the stretcher around. He grabbed one man’s arm and began bawling. Wade was known for his quick thinking, as at some times it turns out well, and the rest of the time it leaves him in some pretty deep shit. 

 

“Sir! Sir...” Wade cried, grasping the man’s arm. He looked rather confused. “He was my uncle. He was so kind, that he was like a father to me. He taught me how to ride a bike and how to shell peas back on the family farm where we had pigs, and cows, and…” Wade would have continued my rambling, however the man was giving me a rather apprehensive look, so he got straight to the point.

“Can I ride with him to the hospital?”

 

The man seemed more confused and disgusted by Wade’s face than concerned at that point, but still gave Wade a hand up on to the ambulance, where he and another man lifted the stretcher up. The men gave him a empathetic but puzzled expression before closing the doors on Wade and his so called “Beloved Uncle.”

 

A white cloth covered most of the body, so Wade had to feel for the head before he lifted up the machete from his thigh holster and took a clean swipe at where he thought the head was. Wade was right on point. The blood that hadn’t been previously lost splattered everywhere. He sat there for a moment, letting the adrenaline flow through my veins. Wade then shoved the head into a plastic baggie that he had stuffed in his jacket. While it might not seem so at times, Wade always had a plan. Well, usually. Okay, barely. But it works out. 

 

Wade heard the engine of the ambulance rumble to life. That was his cue, so he threw opened the doors, laughed like a maniac, and promptly jumped out of the ambulance. In hindsight, Wade must have seemed like a psychopath. If they thought that, they weren’t completely wrong. There’s a fine line between being a psychopath and being a sociopath. Psychopath is when you’re born with the crazy. Sociopath is when the crazy comes to you in some traumatic incident; in Wade’s case the crazy came to him after he burnt his parents down along with his childhood home.

 

Wade landed in an awkward position, but quickly righted himself, made a dash for the taxi, head in a bag bobbing besides him. The assorted medical professionals and police officers watched him in astonishment, most likely too astounded by his rather unconventional means of leaving the ambulance. They might have also been confused by why Wade was holding a bag containing something that resembled a human head, but they managed to regain their posture as Dopinder put his key in the ignition, because they had begun shooting at his tires. The engine thrummed, and they was off. 

 

About fifteen minutes later Wade arrived back in front of my apartment building. He paid Dopinder the $50 and a high-five, and then sat on the curb. Peter didn’t have to know about his bloody night life. He opened the plastic bag that he had hastily stashed the head in. Wade grabbed the dark hair, and pulled the dripping mound of flesh out of the bag. 

“It’s just you and me, Felix.” Wade sighed, still not noticing the features of the face. “Just you and… SHIT”

He began screaming. Most people would be screaming about the fact that there was a human head staring back at them with glazed-over eyes. Wade was screaming at the fact that he was holding a head, but the wrong one. The face that stared back at Wade belonged to that of the chef that he had also killed, but the chef wasn’t the head that was going to earn him the next month’s rent and burgers. 

“FUCK” Wade screamed, oblivious to the other people in the parking lot that were eyeing him strangely. Grumbling, Wade shoved the bag and the head in a nearby recycling bin- _ because fuck the trash system _ \- and began heading inside. On the elevator ride up, he checked himself for bloodstains. After finding none, he continued to sniff his armpits. 

 

“Honey, I’m HOOOOOME” Wade called, slamming the door open and gesturing wildly. He heard no response, so he assumed Peter was asleep. He crept to Peter’s room and opened the door a crack. When he saw a Peter-shaped lump in the bed he closed the door, and retired to bed himself, without his money or the spidey-booty he longed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! please leave kudos and comment what you thought and where i can improve!


	3. Those Damn Millennials

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a late night, Peter goes on patrol and meets up with Deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! third chapter going strong! enjoy and please tell me what you think.

Peter shot a web at the angry red number beeping at him from his alarm clock. Looking down at his wrist, he hadn’t taken off his webshooters before he went to sleep. Pulling off the covers, he gasped, realising that he hadn’t taken off his _suit_ when he went to bed. Wade could have seen! He got up immediately and changed into some casual clothes and made the decision to go on patrol when Wade left for whatever the hell he counts as work.

 

Peter stumbled out of his bedroom and shut the door behind him with his foot while he yawned with one hand over his mouth as he stretched the other in the air. He didn’t see Wade in the living room, so he made his way to the kitchen, where a quiet singing could be heard.

 

“G’morning,” Peter said, yawning once again. Wade was standing over the stove frying eggs, and didn’t notice Peter. He was most likely wrapped up in his music. Peter took a step closer and did his best to identify the tune. _Is that… Cupcakke?_ Peter thought.

 

“Wade,” Peter said, a bit louder this time, “is that Cupcakke?” Wade whipped around, eggs on his spatula. He grinned when he saw it was Peter. He dropped a fried egg on a plate and put it down on the table after shoving Peter into one of the chairs. Peter raised an eyebrow at Wade. Wade raised a non-existent eyebrow at Peter.

“So, what’s up?” Peter started. Instead of eliciting an even profoundly normal response, Wade continued with the lyrics of the song;

 

“Hump me, fuck me, daddy better make me choke.”

 

Peter spat out his eggs and Wade laughed.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK WADE,” Peter screamed. Wade just increased his goofy laugh to a cackle. Sighing, Peter grabbed Wade’s phone and turned off the music.

 

“Damn, Petey, why are you such a killjoy today?”

“Why do I live with you?” Peter asked, ignoring Wade’s previous comment.

“Because you loooove me!” Wade responded with a grin. Peter sighed.

“Maybe it’s because you pay the rent.”

“Or because you looooove me” Wade tried again.

 

Peter grumbled and finished his eggs, this time not splattering them on the table and the chair across from him. After getting sick of Wade staring at him apprehensively, he spoke up.

 

“Wade, I gotta go. See you around,” he said. Wade gave a little smile and a wave. Right before Peter made it to the front door, Wade spoke up.

 

“Hey Petey?”

“What’s up”

“Do me a favor?”

Peter shifted around, anxious to leave. “Sure thing. Whaddya want?”

Wade’s smile grew across his face

 

“When I die, can you mix my ashes in a bowl of hot chili and then eat it?” Peter looked mildly disgusted, but Wade wasn’t finished.

“Eat that hot chili so I can tear up that ass.”

 

Peter gave an indignant shout before slamming the front door behind him. Wade chuckled.

“He knows he loves me.”

  
  
  
  


Peter made his way to his favorite back alley before taking off his clothes and swapping them for the spider-man suit. He webbed his backpack to the brick wall and made sure the webbing was secure before he was off, swinging through the city.

 

Spider-man took his normal patrol route, hitting up a McDonalds along the way because hey, webslinging is a lot of work, and avoiding the Daily Bugle at all costs. Peter Parker had nothing to fear about the Daily Bugle besides his underpaying asshole of a boss, J Jonah Jameson. He was sure that J. J. J.’s life goal was to pay Peter minimum wage and give him stress in the form of screaming “I NEED PHOTOS OF SPIDER-MAN ON MY DESK, AND I NEED THEM NOW, PARKER!” Spider-Man’s concern about the Daily Bugle was even stronger, and for good reason. J Jonah Jameson was convinced that Spider-man was a ruthless killer with the only intention being to make NYC love him and then kill everyone. He demanded pictures of the so- called ‘masked menace’ from Peter, who would have avoided the job if possible, but it was the only freelance job that was available. So just about once a week, Peter would snap some photos of himself in the costume, doing his best to make them look candid, and then handed them into J Jonah Jameson. This is where the screaming from J Jonah Jameson came in. Peter was lost in his thoughts when he heard a loud _THUNK_ besides him. On instinct, he whipped around and shot at the web at the intruder.

 

“Dammit Spidey, I just came to say hi.”

 

“Hi Deadpool,” Spider-man responded. Deadpool grinned at him _how the FUCK does he do that? It shouldn’t be possible unless there are mechanics within the suit and_ \- Spidey’s thoughts were cut short as Deadpool had begun using a knife to saw through the webbing. Spidey made his way to the edge of the roof, but he knew that Deadpool didn’t mean harm because his spidey-sense hadn’t gone off, so then what did he want? It was possible he wanted to simplytalk. Sometimes Deadpool followed Spidey around like a lost puppy, just vying for his attention. Since Deadpool was a merc and he loved Spidey, maybe he would take down J Jonah Jameson for free- _wait I can’t let him do that J Jonah Jameson means well even if he is a fucking asshole of a man_ -

“Spidey!” Deadpool said enthusiastically, plopping down next to Spider-man.

“Hey Pool, what’s your opinion on the Bugle?” Spidey blurted out, not realising he was thinking out loud

“They’re assholes to you, but their occasional article on cat videos keeps me buyin’” Spider-man sighed. Classic Deadpool.

“They don’t pay much, though.” _oh shit oh shit oh shit why did I bring this up he’s gonna know where I work_

“I know,” Deadpool made a disgusted face _how the shit… this shouldn’t happen how does he do that_  “I got a friend who works for them. They pay him minimum wage. That’s why being a merc is such a good job: Either they give you the money you want or you kill them and take the money.”

Spidey made a face under his mask, knowing that Deadpool  couldn’t see it because his mask was _normal_.

“But seriously, how do you pay rent and for food with minimum wage?”

“I get by fine, but maybe that’s just because I don’t buy goddamn avocado toast,” Deadpool chuckled. Under his breath, he murmured “Millennials”

 

“Excuse me?” Spidey inquired

“Well, even with only hearing your voice I’m assuming you were born between 1990 and 2000, so that makes you a millennial. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were one of those fake-hipster types who wore fake glasses, ripped jeans and beanies for ‘the aesthetic’”

Spidey held back a laugh. “Well, I’m betting you were born between 1982 and 2004, because those are the dates that _define_ a millennial. That means you are one too.”

Deadpool gasped in horror. “WHAT?!” he exclaimed loudly, "I am not!"

"Are too," Spidey giggled.

“I can feel the millennial disease overtaking me,” Deadpool mock-vomited, “I’m craving vegan food, it would be totes amazing because it gives me the feels OH NO I’M INFECTED,” he bellowed. Spidey laughed, and Deadpool joined him with a hearty chuckle of his own.

 

After getting over his laughter, Spider-man pulled out his phone and checked for the time. He heaved himself up from the side of the roof. He stretched his arms in the air, knowing that Deadpool was at least trying to get a glimpse of his ass. He bade farewell to Deadpool and leapt off the roof, swinging through his standard patrol route a second time before getting home.

 

Peter Parker lay on his bed, thinking about Deadpool. No, not in the mildly creepy and perverted way that Deadpool often found himself thinking in, but he was thinking about their friendship. Deadpool wasn’t someone Peter would normally hang out with, in fact, Deadpool was the polar opposite of the sciencey, introverted types Peter found himself often attached to. Maybe it was the difference in personality that intrigued him or maybe his kind spirit. Well, whatever it was, it would have to wait, because even if he didn’t have classes, Peter still had plenty of homework to catch up on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! please tell me what you think and leave kudos~


	4. Deadpool fucked up (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter finds an unsavory sight in an alley, and holds Deadpool rightfully accountable.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! this chapter is pretty short, but there will be a second part tomorrow. thanks for sticking with me this far!

It was that amazing time of year between when the snow had just fallen, and was white and clean rather than in a week, when it would be covered in dirt and oil. Spider-man had allowed himself some down-time, and instead of his normal binge-watching shows on Netflix or extended sleep periods, he had decided to get a breath of fresh and crisp winter air. Dangling his legs off of the side of the building, he took a deep breath in and closed his eyes, treasuring the peaceful sounds of angry drivers on the streets below. Spidey had been sitting for almost fifteen minutes when the calm air was disrupted by a very un-calm being.

 

“Hiya Spidey!” came the shout from the merc with a mouth. Spidey groaned.

“Hey Deadpool,” he replied rather unenthusiastically.

“Why the long face? I’m assuming you’re giving me the long face, but I can’t tell because of your mask. Hey, speaking of which, I looove your suit design! Did you design it, or-” Deadpool continued to drone on about his suit, but Spidey let his thought become lost in the cool air once again. He was able to hear snippets of one-sided conversation about how Spidey stole the whole red design from Deadpool, but was only alerted from his drifting away when Deadpool plopped down next to him and laid a head on his shoulder. Since his spidey-sense hadn’t gone off, he assumed that Deadpool meant no harm, so he relaxed into the side-embrace. Once again, Deadpool started talking rhetorically again, ignoring Spidey’s lack of interest in the conversation. At one point, Deadpool mentioned something about ass, which perked Spidey's attention. Shortly after that, Deadpool's talking died off. Then, all of a sudden, he started again.

 

“I’m taking that as a yes.” Deadpool then proceeded to grab Spidey’s ass and grin through his mask. _SERIOUSLY HOW THE FUCK DOES HE DO THAT???_

Spidey yelped and leapt up. Apparently, his rage was apparent even through his _normal_ mask, and Deadpool began shrinking away.

 

“What. The. Fuck.”

Deadpool continued backing up slowly. He knew that Spidey was angry, and under fear of being webbed to a wall for the next month, he started backing away faster. Suddenly, his ankle caught on the ledge of the roof and he tripped, plummeting to the streets below. Spidey rushed up to the side of the building and looked at Deadpool’s rapidly disappearing figure. He could hear Deadpool shouting up at him, and it sounded like something along the lines of “NO REGRETS, I GOT SPIDEY-BOOTY” before he heard the crunch of bones breaking. Spidey normally felt bad whenever Deadpool died, because he could imagine how painful regeneration would be, but this one time he didn’t feel sorry. He had no idea of what was going on in Deadpool's strange, mildly perverted mind, but at times like that he didn't really want to know.

 

* * *

 

About a week later, Spider-man was swinging through his standard patrol route. He was having a rather good day; he had Christmas plans with Aunt May in two weeks, he had had some pretty damn good pancakes that morning, courtesy of his roommate Wade, and he had stopped three corner-store robberies and one mugging.  He was almost done his lap when shit went sideways. Swinging around Greenpoint, his heightened senses picked up screams two miles away. He couldn’t tell if they were happy or terrified screams, but you could never be too careful. Often times, Spidey's heightened senses just annoyed him; they would alert him of a baby crying at 2:30 AM three floors below him or whenever the guys two floors above him took a shit. However, at times like these, Spidey couldn't be more thankful for them.

It took him about ten minutes to get to the alley. The screams hadn’t stopped, but they had decreased in volume. At some point he could have sworn that there was a _‘mmmh, yes’_ in there somewhere, but he dismissed it as his own mind playing rather strange tricks on him. Spidey landed on the roof overlooking the alley, and peered down. Below he saw two people making out so intensely that it looked like they were trying to eat each others faces. Seeing how happy both members were, he assumed neither of them weren't consenting to the foreplay, and he was about to go back to patrol when something caught his eye.

 

“Is that… me?”

 

Spider-man peered back into the alley, focusing his eyes harder this time. Below, the same two people were making out, but more details were visible. Someone in a Deadpool suit with the mask pulled up was sucking the face of a man in a Spidey suit. The real Spider-man turned around in disgust, and dismissed it as just weird cosplayers, until he heard the presumably fake Deadpool speak. He couldn’t discern any words, but he knew that voice. 

“Deadpool?”  real Spidey asked loudly, leaning into the alley.

“Spidey?” came the response. Spider-man sighed as he heard Deadpool letting go of the cosplayer's face and ushering him on his way out of the alley. When Spidey was sure that the cosplayer was gone, he dropped into the alley.

 

“What the FUCK was that? Your touch my ass once- _without my permission I might add-_ , don’t speak to me for a week, and then you think you can make out with me? No wait, you think you can make out with someone _dressed as me?_ That’s even more weird.” He spat. Deadpool lowered his head. Was that… shame? Regret? Spider-man could have felt bad for alienating Deadpool, but his only intention at the moment was to shun the merc.

 

“Sorry, Spidey. I fucked up. Literally. Anything I can do for you? I won’t kill anyone for a month. Wait, that' be too hard. How about a week? Pinky swear!” Deadpool stuck out his right pinky, and Spidey took a step back, not wanting to know where that hand had been. At least Deadpool had remembered that fact that Spidey resented killing. 

“How about no? Just, leave me and all of my cosplay copies alone and-” Spidey couldn’t think of anything else to say so he swung out of the alleyas fast as he could. Instead of finishing patrol, he went right home. NYC could protect itself for one night, Spidey had to think about what to do with Deadpool and sleep- a nice, long, 24 hour nap. Maybe after that he could face his problems.

  
  


Deadpool felt like shit. The voices in his head weren’t helping- they were either screaming about how much he had fucked up, or had been wondering if real Spidey and fake Spidey would have agreed to a threesome, which just enraged the other voices more. Deadpool sat down in the alley, not saying a word. The voices stopped bothering him about what he could do to help Spidey warm up to him again, and focused on attacking him about what he could of done. { _You fugly, scarred asshat. You_ _didn't have to make out with an innocent cosplayer. He should have left that kid alone. Now Spidey hates you, and won't patrol with you or ever talk to you again.} [He probably thinks you're a pervert, and he'll report you._ _That twink you made out with would never have agreed to that shit if he had seen your disfigured mug and sorry ass.]_  The voices in his head grew louder, reminding him what a failure and disgusting freak he was. Deadpool screamed for them to stop, curling into a ball with his hands over his head. The voices were so loud that his whimpers for an end were unheard. They grew louder and louder until Deadpool couldn’t stand it anymore. He removed a glock from its holster, released the safety, and fired three shots into the side of his skull.

 

Wade Wilson didn’t go home that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this was a short chapter, but there will be a slightly more satisfying second part. please leave kudos and comments about what you thought! thank you


	5. Deadpool un-fucked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool does his best to make everything up to Spidey, and J Jonah Jameson is in for quite a surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! this is the second part to the 'deadpool fucked up' bit. it's short, but it's much more light-hearted, so enjoy!

After mostly re-forming about 24 hours later, Wade arrived home to an empty apartment. Peter was most likely at the Bugle or going to see a movie. He took off the layers and layers of weapons on his person, and then threw his Deadpool suit into the laundry bin as he flopped on to his bed. He looked up at the ceiling. He knew he fucked up; even with his under-developed social skill and lack of empathy he knew he really fucked up. Spidey was furious at him, and rightfully so. Wade treasured the ability to have a quiet mind without any voices; the part of his brain that stimulated the voices still hadn’t regenerated, and wouldn’t for another 17 hours.

 

Wade let his mind drift from how bad he felt to what he could do about it. The only things he could remember Spidey saying he didn’t like were exams, no wifi, and the Daily Bugle. Wade couldn’t do much about any of those things though- he was more of a shoot in the face guy than a sit down and talk out the problems. He was about to give up- you can’t do much more than tear up exams, turning off wifi just makes everything worse, and you can’t tell J Jonah Jameson to stop trash-talking Spidey. Or could you?

Wade pulled his suit out of the laundry bin and began putting it back on, layering the katanas- _Bea and Arthur, thank you very much_ \- his pistols and his knives back on top. After pulling his boots back, on Wade slammed the door shut; ready to make the world a better place.

 

“PAAARKER!” came the shout from J Jonah Jameson’s office. Peter internally groaned. He had already put up with Deadpool’s bullshit from the day before; he didn’t need another ignorant asshole fucking up his life.

“Yes, Mr. Jameson?” Peter responded sweetly, hiding the will to wring that old man’s neck as well as possible.

“MY OFFICE, NOW! I NEED THOSE SHOTS OF SPIDER-MAN. NOW, PARKER! NOW!”

Peter was sick of Jameson’s unnecessary screaming and obsession with his night life. He picked up his photos, sighed, and started towards Jameson’s office, grumbling as he went.

 

Jameson raised one eyebrow at Peter after shuffling through these photos. He put them into two neat stacks, folded his hands on his desk, and let out a great _harumph_.

“Parker, you see, there are two types of photos you take. There is the trash here,” Jameson gestured at one pile, “and the trash here. Everything you photograph is trash. I have no idea why I’m paying you at this point. Any other photographer could do ten times better, and-” Peter stopped listening to Jameson’s rant, because something had caught his eye. Was that… Deadpool? Climbing down the glass window behind Jameson? It sure was. The merc caught Peter’s eye and winked, _-jesus christ I’m giving up I don’t care why the mask moves-_ placing one finger over his mouth in the universal sign for “shush.” Peter continued to ignore Jameson’s rant, his focus completely taken by Deadpool, who was holding onto a rope and standing horizontally on the building. He might be an insensitive asshole, but he has to have a point to do this. Deadpool began jumping, moving his legs like he was trying to crash through the window. As the leaps increased in distance, Peter backed his chair up. Jameson stopped talking for a second, giving Peter a strange look before continuing. The glass began to crack. Deadpool didn’t stop. The glass made a screeching noise, and Peter screamed “DOWN” and hid under the desk as Deadpool smashed through the window, shattered glass flying everywhere. The merc had fallen on his ass, but quickly righted himself, standing on top of Jameson’s desk as Jameson cowered behind him. Deadpool felt blood trickle down his ass, and turned around to see glass shards firmly planted in his beloved booty. He swiped away what he could, and then turned on Jameson.

“What… What do you want?” For once, Jameson as almost at a loss for words. It was a miracle he stuttered that mess out, his face was so pale he made Silk’s costume look colorful.

“Why does Spidey get such a bad rep here?” Deadpool said, ignoring Jameson’s fearful question. He pulled up a chair to the desk and put an arm around Peter. Peter was insanely uncomfortable, but he knew that Deadpool didn’t know him as Peter Parker, so he relaxed.

“He’s a relatively good guy, just webbing up criminals and not killing em like I do, so what’s the deal?” Deadpool continued. He picked up a Bugle newspaper on the desk and held it up, squinting at it.

“Masked menace?” He read aloud, once again ignoring Jameson’s whimpers, “Seriously, all the boy does is swing around, not committing homicide and thwipping his webs around.” Deadpool mimed Spidey’s now-famous hand gesture. Jameson trembled behind his desk, not responding to Deadpool’s rhetorical question.

“That wasn’t rhetorical, you know. Seriously, why?” Jameson sunk further below his desk.

In the room behind him, Peter heard one of his co-workers saying something alongs the lines of

“Is that Spider-man with guns and knives?”

“Such a shy guy for someone who boasts so loudly over paper.” Wade started again, “I’ll pitch you a deal; stop bothering my boy Spidey, and I won’t bother you any more. Sound good?”

Jameson nodded.

“Alright, so we’re done here. I’m not paying for that window.”

Deadpool pushed his chair in and got up, walking around the desk towards the demolished window. He faced Peter and Jameson once more, and let out a loud “Adios, bitches” as he dropped backwards out of the window, leaving Jameson and Peter confused and dusted in small glass shards. Peter felt a small stroke of confidence, so he picked up his photos and stood up, beginning to leave the office.

“I guess you won’t be needing these anymore,” he said. Peter left the building and walked home, the same questions ringing through his head the whole time:

“Is Deadpool a good person? Did he do that for me? Should I forgive him?”

Peter settled on the decision that Deadpool lacked empathy, so this was the closest thing to an apology that he would get. Content with the day, he opened the door to his shared apartment. The first thing he noticed was a ton of bloody glass shards in the trash bin.

“Wade? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. In fact, I’m great! I just settled a mistake and feel pretty good,” came the response.

“How are you, baby boy?” Wade asked after a short pause.

“I’m good. What’s with the pet names?”

“Nothing, sugar-plum. Honey-ass. Princess. Kitten paws.”

Peter snickered, Wade joining him in laughter. After finding Wade in the kitchen, the two collapsed in laughter. Maybe Deadpool wasn’t so bad after all. And maybe Wade was the perfect remedy to the solitude of the outside world. Either way, Peter was happy with his Pool and happy with the best friend he was rolling around laughing with on the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! please leave kudos and comment what you thought, where i can improve, and if you have any plot ideas! thanks


	6. Peter hates strip poker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade plays strip poker while Peter meets new people

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading this far! i know my work is a bit shitty so thanks. please leave kudos and comment what you think!

 

Spider-man gleefully swung his way through the streets of NYC at nighttime.  Over the past week he had settled his differences with Deadpool over some pizza, and for once Deadpool tried to be a better person. He had made J Jonah Jameson drop his feud with Spidey(even if he threatened the poor man), he didn’t kill anyone for a week(doubtful, but he tried), some crushed flowers from his back pocket, and he delivered an apology letter written in crayon(Spidey knew he had killed people because of the bloodstains that had been almost covered up by blotches of pink crayon). While Spidey knew that Deadpool hadn’t stayed true to the no-kill rule, he had meant well and had really done his overall best, and Spidey was in a good mood, so he forgave Deadpool for the cosplayer replica “incident,” as Deadpool called it.

He knew it seemed strange; someone having sex with a replica of you in an alleyway without you knowing is pretty damn extreme. To most other people, a pest off their back, a broken promise, some withered flowers and an apology letter written in crayon wouldn't be nearly enough to forgive Deadpool for, however Spidey was a very compassionate person, and wanted to give Deadpool a second chance. He could tell that Deadpool had really meant all seven words that were in his apology(I'm so sorry, I love you spidey!), and after seeing that, somehow Spidey had the sense that Deadpool was trying to do the right thing. At one point he had asked Deadpool if he thinks he should forgive him. Deadpool chuckled nervously, and responded with;

"Of course you should forgive me! I'm your friend _and_ it would further the plot!"

Spidey sighed. He was used to Deadpool's "Fourth wall breaks," as he so fondly called them. He usually just ignored him whenever the conversation shifted that way.

All fourth wall breaks aside, Spidey had practically forgiven Deadpool, but was still a little wary around him.

 

Spidey loved these moments; swinging through the sky and feeling as if he could touch the clouds. The cool air was so refreshing, and he longed to feel it whipping through his hair, however taking off his mask and dealing with the consequences of non-anonymity would be too much effort.

The sun had already set, so the only light in the sky was the moon and the hundreds of flickering lights coming from the city.

It had been a long night, and Spidey decided that he wanted to sleep for eight hours, which was a rare occurrence. Taking one last deep breath of city air, Spider-man began to swing his way back home, ready to finish the last hundred-or-so pages of a book and get a full night’s rest.

 

Peter changed out of his Spidey suit on the roof of his apartment building. He shoved his suit and mask into a backpack he had webbed tightly to a grate. He swung the backpack over his shoulders. Checking that he hadn’t left on any of the suit, Peter looked both ways to make sure no one was watching before he began to climb down the side of the apartment building. He kept lowering himself down until he reached his bedroom window, which he had left conveniently unlocked. He used his mildly adhesive fingers to push the window up, and threw his backpack into his room before sliding in right behind it.

 

Once inside his bedroom, Peter could hear music faintly blasting. He assumed it was a neighbor, and if not, it could have been his heightened senses picking up something a few buildings over, however he hadn’t heard it from outside. He didn’t consider that it came from inside his apartment until he opened his bedroom door.

 

The first thing he noticed was the music playing. It sounded like something from the 70’s. _Was that… AC/DC?_ The next thing he noticed were the people. It seemed to be mainly normal people, most of them tattooed buff men. Wade himself sat in the middle of the throng on a cleared-out patch of floor. He was playing poker with some guys, one hand on his cards, the other around a very attractive woman.

 

It took Peter a good minute to notice the fact that Wade wasn’t wearing any clothing, save for his boxers and socks.

 

Peter stormed over to Wade.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON,” he shouted over the music. Wade chuckled.

“House party. I didn’t think you’d be home so early.”

“Who… Who are these people?” Peter asked, dodging a muscled arm that had been flung in a sad attempt to dance.

“Friends from St. Margaret’s.” Peter didn’t know much about St. Margaret’s besides the fact that Wade spent a lot of time there.

“Are you playing strip poker?”

“Is ‘no’ an acceptable answer?”

Peter sighed.

“Just play anything _besides_ strip poker. Drunk people are fine. Drunk naked people? That’s another story.”

Wade giggled.

“Were you going to consult me on this decision? To have people over?” Peter was starting to get a bit nervous, but Wade noticed that and did his best to settle the younger man’s fears.

“Just relaaax,” came the response, “Grab a drink.” Wade gestured over to a makeshift bar in the corner of the living room. Peter grumbled and glared at Wade, but then made his way to the “bar.”

 

“And who are you?” Asked the man at the bar. He had thick glasses and shoulder-length sandy hair.

“I’m Peter. Peter Parker. Wade’s my roommate,” Peter said. The man behind the bar nodded thoughtfully.

“Wade’s told me about you. I’m Weasel. My friends call me Weasel. I pretty much run Sister Margaret’s, and when said he was throwing a party, I had to come. Not for the insecure and petty reasons a teenage girl goes to a party, but just to make sure these assholes don’t kill each other.” Weasel gestured to the people milling about. A lot of them looked like rough-and-tumble sorts.

“So,” Peter started, “How long have you known Wade?”

“Oh, around eighteen years. And how about you?”

“I’ve known him for half a year, but we’ve only been roommates for about… seven weeks?”

“Roommates with Wade, wow. I bet you could tell me some shit about him.” Weasel grinned.

“I bet you could too.” Peter said with an even larger grin, “Let’s shit-talk Wade.”

“Sounds good to me, brother.”

 

Half an hour later, Weasel and Peter were cracking up on the floor. Weasel shook hands with Peter and thanked him for the conversation, and then left. Most of the guests had already left, but a fully-dressed Wade and three other men were still playing poker. Peter had little to no experience with poker, so the only thing he recognized as he walked towards Wade was that Wade was groaning and pushing a large stack of black chips into the middle.

“Time to wrap up, guys: It’s two AM,” Peter said. Wade groaned.

“I’m so close to winning that back. Please Pete? Ten more minutes?”

“No,” Peter said firmly.”

“But mooooommm I don’t wanna go, I wanna play with my friends!” Peter laughed.

“C’mon. Collect your winnings or whatever.” Two of the men got up and left empty-handed. As Peter walked away, he saw Wade handing the other man a large stack of twenty dollar bills out of the corner of his eye. He turned on his heel and walked swiftly back over to Wade, who had taken back the stack of cash and was counting through it again.

“What is this?” Peter inquired firmly.

“We played poker. Poker involves money. I lost money.” Wade finished counting out the 20’s and passed them back to the other man, who nodded at Wade and left.

“How much did you lose?”

“Hmm… about $1000.”

Peter’s face was beginning to turn red, and not in the cute blushing way.

“And when will you make this money back?”

“Huh?”

“Well, you spent it, so it would make sense that you have to earn it back.”

Wade groaned. “That’s fair. I’ll go out tomorrow. For the time being, would you give me a hand cleaning up?”

Peter sighed and spent about ten minutes tidying up before he went back to his room. The second he put his head down on the pillow he was asleep, still fully dressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls comment i thrive off of your attention


	7. Today for you, tomorrow for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After losing a game of poker, Wade sets out to earn his money back through his merc job

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe i've gotten 1,400 hits in less than 6 days! thank you all so much! enjoy the extra-long chapter as thanks

 

A loud and rather repetitive beeping noise woke Wade from from his surprisingly restful sleep. He normally couldn’t get any sleep after a party, but apparently his body had given him a break for once. He stared at the bedside clock, the angry red numbers hatefully mocking him. Wade groaned, and was about to slap his hand down on the snooze button before he remembered his foolproof method of keeping himself from falling back asleep; taping a small knife to the snooze button. Ya snooze, ya lose, is he right? Complaining loudly, Wade got out of bed and unplugged the alarm clock. Not as foolproof a system as he had thought it would be. Wade hastily got dressed, and walked to the kitchen for a pre-made breakfast of the pancakes he made yesterday for breakfast. Peter was still in his room.

Wade scrolled through job offers on his phone as he munched on the pancakes. Most of the jobs didn’t pay much more that $500, but one caught his eye. Cashing in at about $20,000, all Wade had to do was blow up a drug cartel in a warehouse.

 

Wade slammed open a large trunk in the corner of a room and began gathering assorted weapons and placing them into a backpack. He grabbed a pistol, a few extra rounds of ammo, strapped his bowie knife to his thigh, and tossed a few grenades into his bag. Wade had always enjoyed using grenades. Since he used to be in the military, he got ‘em for about $35 apiece. Most people have to pay $235 for them. Wade had always found the scientific workings of these devices fascinating, however the one time he tried to cut one open it didn’t end very well. In fact, it ended with a small explosion.

 

Wade locked his weapon-laden trunk and slung his back over his shoulder after checking his pockets for his phone. He called Dopinder for a ride and left the apartment, locking the door behind him.

 

Wade threw his bag into the bag into the trunk of Dopinder’s taxi and slammed it shut. This was gonna be a fun day. Wade slid into the seat next to Dopinder and greeted his friend. Dopinder put his keys back in the ignition, and they were off.

They drove until late noon, not stopping for lunch which was a rare occurrence. Wade’s not one to turn down lunch. He checked his phone for the hopefully correct address of the gang I was hunting, and had Dopinder park the taxi about four blocks from the presumed drug-lord hideout.

 

After giving Dopinder a $20 bill and a high-five, Wade was off to the presumed drug lord hideout.

 

Wade walked the four blocks to the old warehouse. How cliche was that? Drug mob, old warehouse, what was next: a drug-smuggling bald boss with a white cat? Wade had always thought of cats as cute and independent creatures, but had never gotten one himself. Especially not one with white hair; it’s hard enough washing blood out of clothing; getting white cat hair out of his mainly black and red clothing would be a whole different problem.

Wade stood about a block away from the warehouse for a good ten minutes; surveying the situation. Okay, he wasn’t surveying the situation. Literally no one does that. It’s boring and takes way too long. Being completely honest, Wade was deciding on what place to stop at for ice cream after his job was complete. Turns out, Wade burns a lot of calories from running from bad people. Strike that. That’s like the pot calling the cauldron black. Let’s rephrase: Wade burns calories from running from  _ worse _ people. This totally justifies ice cream on his part.

Five minutes later Wade was right up at the building, trying to determine a way to scale the side of the building. A nearby tree that leaned into a second story window seemed like a rather safe alternative to running through the front door with guns blazing. 

As a child, Wade climbed trees a lot to escape quite a number of things. He can clearly remember running from bullies, life in general, and his father. 

 

Wade climbed the tree in under five minutes, with the minimum amount of falls inflicted. Normally, he’s a loud and clumsy trainwreck, but when it comes to jobs like this, he can be really quiet and non-clumsy. The windowsill was cluttered in an array of knickknacks that Wade swiped away to make room for himself. The room seemed to be a sort of storage closet. He hopped inside and dusted off his clothing before putting his hand on the doorknob leading out, took a deep breath, and opened it.

 

It seems that Wade’s luck had improved from the cosplay “incident,” as no one was in the hallway. Wade decided to check out what was on this floor. He didn’t see a staircase leading anywhere, and since he was on a second floor, there was bound to be a first floor. Wade was hoping to find this staircase. He noticed two doors at one end of the hallway. He skipped down the hallway, making sure his joyous footsteps weren’t too loud; alerting anyone of his presence would be quite the inconvenience.

“Let’s see what’s behind door number one!” Wade fiddled with the knob for a minute, and then opened it up. He whistled.  “Two hundred kilos of cocaine! Wow. That wasn’t too smart, leaving all of their merchandise in one closet.” He finished. Wade wasn’t interested in drugs. Throughout his teenage years, Wade took out his sorrows by getting high all the time and skipping class. Now he takes out his sorrows by killing people. It sounds morbid. It’s even more morbid than it sounds. At least he’s not high all the time.

 

Wade heard footsteps approaching quickly. Apparently his short-lived monologue attracted more attention than necessary. Wade shut the cocaine-closet door before swiveling around. A short but incredibly muscular man with a kitchen knife was running down the hallway towards him, about thirty meters away. Wade yelped.

 

“Who are you?” The armed man’s voice was rather gruff. Wade had absolutely no idea how to respond, so he went with the answer he wanted to hear. 

“How much for the two hundred kilos?”

The man looked rather surprised, possibly because the buyers of his cocaine didn’t usually sneak into his warehouse. Wade took advantage of this second of doubt and whipped out his gun. The man was apparently shocked by this action. Seeing how he was armed with only a kitchen knife, he made the smart decision of putting his hands in the air.

 

Wade narrowed his eyes.

“If all of that cocaine wasn’t in that room, and if I wasn’t having the childish impulse to blow it all up,” He started, pointing to a door down the hall.

“Wrong door. ”The man stated, a small grin creeping across his face. “The next room has the cocaine.” He finished, nodding at the second door at the end of the hallway.

“Okay, if there wasn’t so much combustible cocaine in _ that  _ room,” Wade started again, motioning towards the correct closed “I would have killed you by now. However,  I think you can be of some help,” he said.

 

Wade felt for the grenade in his back pocket. He kept an eye on the man, who was still rather confused by Wade’s sudden appearance. He took out the grenade and handed it to the man, however Wade didn’t take his finger off the key. Wade looked at the man in the eyes and grinned.

“Run.”

 

Wade pulled the key from the grenade and ran for the storage closet that he had emerged from. The man was still surprised at this movement, and the moment he realised he was holding a grenade he threw it into the cocaine closet and shut the door. By the time Wade heard the explosion he was halfway through the window. The shock of the explosion made him drop two stories. Wade felt something in his wrist pop out of place, which he popped right back in without hesitation. He took a picture of the destroyed building and sent it to his employer, who then sent him the money over text. The convenience of modern technology never failed to astound Wade. He began trudging back to Dopinder’s car. 

 

Climbing back into the taxi, Wade shut the door behind him. Dopinder smiled at him and began driving back home. Wade lazily scrolled through the job offers, trying to see if any were nearby. Seeing how we was out and had Dopinder all to himself, he might as well go on a short second one. The next job he found was just to release some hostages. It was ten minutes away. For pretty much the first time since he got in the car, he spoke up.

 

“Hey Dopinder, can you do me a favor?”

“Of course, Pool. You saved my marriage! What can I do?” came the cheery response.

Wade showed Dopinder the address.

“Can you bring me there?”

“Can do, DP.”

 

They made small talk for the rest of the ride. Turns out, the warehouse location was a ten minute walk from his house, so he bid Dopinder farewell and paid him another two $20’s and a high five. He watched the taxi drive away, sighed, and made his way into the second warehouse of the day.

  
  


Ten minutes later, Deadpool was crouched behind a pile of debris, inspecting a deep cut on his left thigh. While it was nothing compared to the wounds of his opponents, and it would heal, it was still a bit annoying.

Another round of semi-automatic fire pattered on the piece of scrap metal behind him, retort echoing among the l-beams of the old warehouse.

Deadpool unloaded the clip of his pistol and then re-loaded it. He clicked the safety off, and as if on cue, three more men joined the small fleet of now nine who were shooting at him. Wade took a deep breath then jumped out from behind the metal sheet.

“Hello ladies!” He exclaimed loudly, shooting the first guy she saw in the face. The men began shouting and started grabbing for weapons of all kinds. One man charged at him with a knife, but he whipped out a katana and sliced his head clean off. Seven remained, and he took another two of them out with headshots. He fired his pistol once again, but after finding that it’s clip was empty, he shrugged and threw it over his shoulder. He removed his other katana from the sheath, and ran at the five men, screaming something along the lines of “MAXIMUM EFFORT!”

Two men went down with the slice of the katana in his left hand, and he stabbed one guy in the chest with the one in his right hand. He pulled the katanas out of the corpses and watched as the last two men fled. Wade crouched down and began to wipe the blood off of his katanas using one of the dead men’s shirt. He loved his katanas, Bea and Arthur, more that he loved most things. Maybe even more than he loved mexican food. Nah, that would be impossible.

 

Wade was pulled from his musings by screaming coming from a nearby room. Wade jovially skipped towards the nearest door. After grinning widely, he said to anyone that was alive that would listen;

“It’s ‘what’s behind the door’ part two! Aaand behind door one, we have...” Wade gestured grandly towards the door and swung it open.  He wasn;t impressed by the lack of people, so he went to the next door, knocking on it three times before flinging the door open. Once again, nothing. Wade growled beneath his breath, and opened the final door. This door revealed a small handful of huddled hostages that he was looking for. They stared at the carnage behind him, eyes widening. Wade smiled.

“Why the sad face? I just liberated you folks!” Apparently his upbeat tone was unexpected, as it elicited no reaction. 

“Hello? Is anyone listening?” Deadpool questioned. Once again, no response. He sighed and aimed his pistol at the nearest hostage. The hostage quivered, and everyone around him backed up.

 

“Alright guys; I’m gonna be frank with you. It’s been a long day for me, and I don’t wanna wait around. Either you all skedaddle, or I start shooting.”

That was enough motivation, so the hostages ran from the warehouse. 

Wade snapped a picture of them and sent it to the man who sent out the job offer. He received the second transaction of the day through his phone. Wade had made about $50,000 today. No bad. This called for a drink, so instead of heading home, Wade started walking towards Sister Margaret’s. Drinks would be on him, as he had quite a bit of money to spend while still having plenty left to pay for rent. It was about time he gave back to his merc community; they were his brothers, and the least he could do was buy him drinks. Today for you, tomorrow for me, right? On that thought, Wade began happily humming the song from Rent to himself as he walked towards Sister Margaret’s. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! as always, please leave a comment telling me what you thought, and leave kudos if you liked it!


	8. Crashing parties, the Deadpool way (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spidey and Deadpool bump into each other, and plot against Tony Stark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! this is gonna be two parts, and i promise you the next part will be longer and funnier. please leave kudos and comment what you thought! i thrive off of your attention

Peter sighed and put his head down on his trigonometry work. College was hard, and his professors had decided to send out an email containing a whole new portion of trigonometry they had to wrap their heads around over Christmas break. Seeing how Peter would be occupied the next few days as he was going to see his beloved Aunt May, he had decided to get the work over with. If getting over the work meant waking up at 8 AM after a very long night of patrol with nothing but a bitter black coffee to keep him awake, then so be it.

After a good thirty minutes of Peter banging his head on the table, Wade walked into the kitchen where he was working.

 

“Long night?” Wade asked.

“Not that you helped,” Peter grumbled.

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean? I thought you said you  _ like _ musical theatre?”

“Well,” Peter started, “There’s a difference between seeing a play and hearing you belt out songs from  _ Legally Blonde the Musical _ at three AM.”

Wade harrumphed. 

“On a completely unrelated topic: Gay or European?”

Peter sighed. He began to focus back on his trigonometry work. Wade saw that he was being ignored, so he walked away. A few minutes later, Peter was distracted from his work with a large  _ crash _ . Peter rolled his eyes.

“WAAAADE,” he shouted.

“Coming, sweetie,” came the falsetto voice from the next room. A minute later Wade appeared in the doorway wearing a frilly pink apron that was embroidered with  _ ‘Kiss the chef’  _ and a lipstick print. 

“Like what ya see?” Wade walked into the kitchen and leaned against the fridge. Wade tried to look seductive, but slipped and ended up on the floor. Peter chuckled.

 

“Hey, are you gonna make bacon?”

“You know,” Wade started, getting mock-teary-eyed, “Sometimes I think the only thing you want out of this relationship is sex and food.”

“I mean, one of those two things has delicious meat, and the other is sex. Also, we're not in a relationship and we've never had sex?”

“That’s beside the point.” Wade pulled some bacon out of the fridge and began to cook it on the stove.

 

“Hey Pete,” Wade said as he dished the bacon out onto a plate.

“Mhm?” came the response.

“What  _ do _ you do when you leave the house? I mean, you can’t find work at the Daily Bugle, so what do you do?”

Peter waved his hand vaguely. 

“I just find freelance work around the city.”

Wade knew that when Peter’s answers were vague, it was pointless to question him, so he dropped the question. They ate their breakfast in crunchy silence, as the bacon had been a bit burnt. After finishing his meal and patting his stomach contentedly, Peter stood up and made his way back to his room to collect his stuff. Right before he left the kitchen, he turned around.

 

“Hey Wade?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for breakfast.”

“Anytime.” Wade winked and Peter was off to his bedroom. He put his suit and mask on and locked his bedroom door before climbing out the window. He sat atop the apartment building for just a moment before shooting a web and swinging off into the city skyline.

 

Patrol was normal for the first five minutes, until Spider-man heard screams coming from a nearby convenience store. He made his way to the store as fast as possible. In front of the store, a man was crying for help. His bag was being taken by a man in a ski mask. How original. The masked man had a gun on the other man. Spidey didn’t want to waste any more time surveying the scene, so he dropped down from his hiding place.

 

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but last time I checked stealing someone’s items wasn’t cool.”

Using the surprise of the mugger to his advantage, he shot a web around the barrel of the gun and whipped it back into his own hands, and then threw it over his shoulder. The young man being mugged grabbed his backpack and fled the scene, leaving Spidey and the mugger glaring at eachother. 

The mugger pulled what looked like a syringe filled with blue liquid from his jacket pocket and jammed it into the side of his neck. Spidey stiffened in surprise. HE expected the guy to pull out a gun or a knife, but instead he just pulled out that- _ oh shit. _

Spidey’s thoughts were cut short as the mugger began to  _ stretch _ . He grew taller and the fat around his body bulged and tore through his clothing as it became pure muscle. Spidey tried to back away, but a large hand wrapped around his throat and lifted him up high, so he was left struggling to pry the fingers off. The now huge mugger chuckled deeply, and his fingers began to grip tighter and tighter, until-

_ Squish. _

Two katanas shot out of his gut. He dropped Spider-man in surprise and clutched at his now blood-soaked stomach. The katanas withdrew from him, and he gasped and the crumpled over. Behind him was the one and only Deadpool, cleaning off the katanas on the part of the shirt fabric that wasn’t bloodstained.

 

“Hiya, Spidey!”

Spidey whimpered, grasping at his own neck and trying to understand what just happened.

“You okay?” Deadpool turned his head to the side. He then stepped over the dead body of the mugger to stand directly in front of Spidey.

“What… What  _ was _ that?” Spidey managed to stammer out.

“I dunno, I just saw him get big and lift you up before I intruded. What’d he do?”

“He… He stabbed himself with a syringe before getting all big.” Spidey began to regain his confidence.

“Super-soldier serum?”

“Unlikely. Apparently that shit’s painful as hell, and he didn’t really flinch.”

Deadpool looked up thoughtfully, before grabbing at Spidey’s neck to check for any bruises or marks, even though he couldn’t see through the spandex suit.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Geez.”

Deadpool looked a bit hurt, which made Spider-man sigh.

“You did save my life. Is there anything I can do for you?”

Deadpool grinned.

“I might have an idea...”

  
  


Ten minutes later, Spidey found himself at an ice cream parlour with his mask resting at his nose, sharing a sundae with Deadpool. He couldn’t complain; the man had just saved his life and was paying for his ice cream. However, Spidey couldn’t shake off a strange feeling. It wasn’t his spidey sense. Maybe he was just on edge. It makes perfect sense to be on edge around a man who would slit someone’s throat for a tic-tac and 15 cents(Deadpool’s words, not Spidey’s).

They made idle conversation until Spidey’s phone notification tone went off. Deadpool stiffened.

“Is that… The Spider-man theme song?” Spider-man blushed beneath his mask. The merc chuckled.

“Dude, that’s awesome. My friend has the same ringtone- I should introduce you two. You guys are both so nerdy, you’d get along perfectly.” Deadpool narrowed his eyes. “ _ Too _ perfectly.”

Spidey nervously shrugged at turned his attention back to his phone. He read the text out loud.

“Tony Stark’s week-before-Christmas party at Stark Industries tower, tonight at 8PM. That could be interesting,” Peter mused. “Hey Pool, did you get an invitation?”

Deadpool see-sawed his hand.

“I’m not very popular in that community- my anti-hero status gives me a bad rep among villains and heros. I guess there is a downside to being unpredictable.” He sighed.

 

All of a sudden, Spidey had an idea.

“Deadpool, how against crashing a party are you?”

The merc put his spoon down and leaned towards Spidey.

“I’m all for it, why do you ask?”

“Well…” Peter started.

 


	9. Crashing parties, the Deadpool way (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spider-man and Deadpool crash a party together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! i'm going to be away for the next 5 days and will be posting significantly less after that due to school starting up again, so this is the last update for a while. enjoy this chapter, and remember to comment and leave kudos!

Tony Stark was having a rather nice evening, thank you very much. His small party consisting of the Avengers team and a few other friends in the superhero community was going well; Natasha was polishing a pistol in the corner and glaring at everyone who made eye contact with her, Thor was slowly but surely draining the alcoholic contents of the bar, Steve and Bucky had just snuck off-most likely to make out-, and Spider-man was looking a bit nervous while standing in the corner. After watching the kid toe the floor nervously for a few minutes, Tony approached the young hero and put an arm around him.

“Enjoying the party?” Tony questioned.

Peter jumped a bit, but settled when he realised it was Tony.

“I’m normally not a party person, but I think this one’s gonna be pretty… interesting.”

“A kid like you calling my party fun is a pretty big compliment.”

“Anytime, Tony.”

Tony laughed.

“Hey, Tony?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, kid?”

“Let’s say, theoretically, I was friends with a mercenary and he heard about this party and decided to crash it and I did nothing to stop him?”

Tony used his common sense to determine that something was going on, but let Spidey continue.

“I brought that up, because...”

_ SMASH _

Spidey threw his body over Tony to shield him as the floor-to-ceiling windows shattered inwards.

After detecting that the threat was gone, Spidey let go of a very gracious Tony and brushed the broken glass off of his back.

 

“Hello ladies and gentlemen!” Deadpool crowed, reclining in the window frame, completely ignoring the broken glass digging into his side.

 

Tony leaned on Spidey for support, but then fell to his knees.

“My… Windows...” he said weakly, mourning his bulletproof-but-not-deadpool-proof windows. Deadpool shrugged and walked further into the room, brushing the glass off of his boots. Spidey thought it was a pretty asshole move, but Tony hadn’t invited him, so maybe the unlawful entry was a bit less unlawful.

While Deadpool greeted everyone, Tony’s Iron man suits repaired the window and brushed all the glass away in less than ten minutes. While Tony commanded his suits around, Deadpool had linked his arm around Spidey’s shoulder and was walking around with him.

  
  


Spider-man and Deadpool sat at the bar next to Thor, who was on his 17th beer. No one questioned how the god’s liver still worked. 

“Does the man-spider need a drink?”

Spidey laughed nervously and politely declined.

“Are you underage?” Deadpool questioned. Spidey shifted in his seat.

“No, I’m just not a big drinker.”

“I can respect wanting to keep your liver perfectly intact.” Deadpool responded. Spidey chuckled and they navigated Deadpool somewhere else. 

 

Tony and Natasha were discussing how to get Deadpool out without upsetting Spider-man when the men of the hour walked up to them.

“Tony! My man!” Deadpool made a move to pat Tony on the back, but he carefully evaded the touch.

“Say it,” Natasha solemnly said to Tony, “Say the word and I kill this asshole.”

Tony laughed nervously.

“There won’t be any need for that, Nat. He’s our guest.”

Natasha completely ignored Tony’s hospitality and shot the merc in the left knee.

 

“MOTHER OF SHIT-FUCK-ASS-”

Spider-man slapped a hand over Deadpool’s mouth before he could continue on his profane rant.

“Sorry about him,” Spidey apologized to Tony and Natasha.

“You okay?” He asked Deadpool, removing his hand from Deadpool’s mouth.

“I’m fine.” Deadpool said, glaring at Nat.

“Spidey? Can you do me a favor?” Deadpool asked calmly

“Of course, Pool. What’s up?”

“Drag me onto the dance floor. And get me a microphone, wouldja?”

Spidey thought that was a rather strange request, but dragged the momentarily disabled mercenary onto the dance floor anyway and grabbed a microphone from the DJ stand, which was being manned by Clint. 

Once Spidey let go of the merc, Deadpool turned the mic on and tapped it a few times. After hearing the feedback echo around the room, all heads turned towards him. Once Deadpool was content with the attention, he began to wave his arms.

“HEY NATASHA,” he screamed into the mic. Natasha turned her head, intrigued.

“THIS IS CALLED THE ‘FUCK YOU NATASHA DANCE. ENJOY, BITCH” Deadpool dropped the mic and proceeded to drop onto his stomach and scream as he attempted to do the worm while dabbing with a broken leg. After laughing at the ridiculous sight for a good two minutes, Spidey began dragging the flopping and screaming worm of a man off the dance floor. Once Deadpool had calmed down a bit, Spidey asked a question.

“Hey Pool, can I see your leg?”

“Sure, Spidey-aaAAAUGHHH” Deadpool screamed as Spidey popped his leg back into place and helped the merc up.

“Good as new, amirite?”

Deadpool thanked him and limped off to the bar, where he got three shots of whiskey and downed them all in a minute.

 

After a bit, Deadpool regained his spirit.

“It’s really nice to be around superheroes,” Deadpool stated loudly, putting his hands on his hips.

“Am I not a superhero?”

“Let’s go say hi to good ol’ Captain America, eh?” Deadpool was quick to change the subject.

Spider-man chuckled and began making his way towards Clint at the DJ setup, because Clint was good at keeping tabs on his fellow Avengers. Just as he got out of his seat, Deadpool stopped Spidey and put an arm around him. Spidey could have incapacitated the merc in less than thirty seconds, but he decided the man was harmless and wouldn’t make a move on him because he felt so bad about the cosplayer incident. Spidey guided Deadpool to Clint, who took off his headphones as the duo approached.

“Spidey! Pool! What’s up?” Clint greeted them.

“Not much,” Deadpool responded. Spidey decided to let him do the talking.

“Have you seen Steve? I wanted to say hi to my childhood hero.” Deadpool removed his arms from Spidey’s shoulder and clasped his hands together while leaning onto Spidey and pretending to swoon. Spidey and Clint laughed, and Deadpool resumed his position with his arm around Spidey.

“Sure thing,” Clint responded. Clint then proceeded to give them directions to Steve’s room. Deadpool thanked Clint and patted him on the back, and Spidey and Deadpool were off.

 

They got about halfway to Steve’s room before they were stopped in their tracks by a loud moaning. The two looked at each other and giggled before shushing each other and looking at the closet where the sound came from. Once again they heard the moaning again, Deadpool put one hand on one of the knobs of the closet, and guided Spidey’s hand to the other. With his free hand, Deadpool motioned  _ 3...2...1… _ Spidey and Deadpool turned the knobs and pulled the doors towards themselves. In the closet stood Steve Rogers and James Buchanan Barnes, kissing so deeply that it looked as if they were trying to eat eachother’s faces. Bucky had his hands on the back of Steve’s head, and Steve was moaning wantonly into the kiss. The couple hadn’t noticed the red-clad supers standing in the doorway, so they continued their little exibitionism act. Bucky’s flesh hand left the back of Steve’s head and drifted down to his jeans, which were beginning to tent. 

Wade had had his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing at the sight, but he couldn’t keep it in anymore, so he began to guffaw. Spidey looked at Deadpool with an expression that said  _ What have you done? _

The two super soldiers immediately let go of each other and looked at the duo in the doorway. Bucky growled and Steve narrowed his eyes. Spidey and Deadpool began backing up slowly, and when they hit the wall behind them they turned back down the hallway and began to run from the super soldiers. They didn’t stop until they were back in the mail party room. The two men laughed, clutching at their sides. Spidey almost took off his mask to wipe of the sweat. Almost. Steve and Bucky were running behind them, and Bucky looked as if he was going to push Spider-man and Deadpool off of the top of Stark Tower. 

Deadpool noticed Steve and Bucky pursuing him and Spide, so he made Spidey aware by patting him on the back. The two ran for the window. Spidey stopped right in front, but Deadpool kept running and smashed through the window, plummeting to the streets below as he screamed “CATCH ME SPIDEYYYY~”

Spidey looked apologetically at Tony for Deadpool breaking his window the second time that night, and then leapt out after the merc. Apparently, he wasn’t in time, because he heard a loud  _ thud _ on the pavement and a weak “Dammit, Spidey.”

Spidey paid no heed to his fallen fellow and swung home, hoping Deadpool would regenerate soon and get away before Tony could kill him again for breaking his windows twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember to comment and leave kudos; i thrive off of your attention


	10. Electrifying realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spidey finds out one of Deadpool's secrets and really needs a drink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! i'm back from my backpacking trip, and i plan to never walk again. since school is starting up again, i'll be posting a lot less, but i will try to find times to write. here's part one of a two part thing about. remember to comment what you thought and leave kudos. thanks!!

The unicorn galloped across the meadow, its rainbow mane flowing in the wind. Wade Winston Wilson, aka Deadpool, watched in awe as the creature reared and let out a noise that sounded like wind chimes. Deadpool put a hand out in an attempt to touch the magical creature. Alas,the unicorn was too far away, but it noticed him. It began approaching him slowly, but then at a faster pace, and then in a full-on gallop. It lowered its head to chest-level and its horn began glowing and gathering electricity. The unicorn made eye contact with Deadpool one last time before plunging its 10,000 volt horn straight into Wade’s chest.

 

Deadpool screamed and strained against the ropes holding him to a chair. He opened his eyes. To his disappointment, he was not in a grassy, unicorn-laden meadow, but was instead tied to a shitty folding chair in a warehouse with some really scratchy and uncomfortable rope. He could have asked to be put in a slightly more comfortable position, but his captor wouldn’t have listened.

 

“Where is he,” came a voice from the shadows. Deadpool could see a rather bulky outline, so he assumed that his captor was a man.

“Say the magic word!” Deadpool said rather sweetly. His captor groaned.

“I knew there must have been a better way to get to him besides his unlikely friendship with _you._ ” He spat out the last word.

“ _Excuse_ me? I’m an amazing house guest, and you know it! I’m actually pretty _amped_ up to see who you are!”

The captor took a step forwards, and then a few more until he was visible in the dim lighting. He wore a green and yellow spandex bodysuit with lightning bolts up the sides.Electricity crackled around him, and his face was adorned with a lightning bolt mask, which didn’t compliment his jawline at all.

“Geez, Electro. I thought you had changed your outfit after _The Amazing Spider-man 2._ Apparently not, as you’re still in your hideous old getup. How _shocking_.” Deadpool chuckled to himself.

Electro thrust his hand out and hit Wade with another 10,000 volts. Deadpool screamed, but the pained noise quickly dissolved into laughter.

“I… don’t.. Even know who… you’re looking… for.” The laughing quickly turned into wheezing. Electro’s eyes flashed.

“Spider-man. Where is he. Tell me NOW,” he roared, obviously done with the mercenary’s bullshit. Wade straightened up in his chair.

“What do you want with my Spidey? I’m not fuckin’ around. If you plan to hurt him, I will break every limb in my body to get out of these ropes and tear you piece to goddamn piece.” Deadpool said coolly.

Electro laughed. “What could you do to me? You’re stuck in a chair, withering away, as I’m on the hunt for him. Make this easier for both of us; if you tell me where the spider is, I’ll free you.”

“Doubtful. In fact, I bet my honey buns is on his way to rescue his damsel in distress right now.”

At that, part of the ceiling caved inwards as Spider-man crashed through the roof and landed in a somewhat dramatic position, facing Electro. Deadpool squealed, whether it was in excitement for the superhero’s entry, or his great view of his ass.

Spidey quickly stood up and webbed electro to the wall behind him, making sure that the webs he was shooting were insulating Electro’s rather shocking nature.

“Electro, buddy,” Spidey said to the criminal “You gotta stop looking for me! You can’t kill me, but if you keep pissing me off I might have him...” He mimed slitting a throat, but then chuckled. “Nah, I wouldn't do that. I’m just a friendly neighborhood Spider-man.”

Electro’s eyes widened and he let out a grunt, but couldn’t express much more emotion because he was completely webbed up.

Spidey turned around to face Deadpool, and began approaching him. “And for you,” he started, beginning to undo the ropes “I’m not your honey buns, and stop getting into shit like this; it makes me feel obliged to rescue you.”

Deadpool waved a recently-untied hand vaguely. “Maybe, maybe not. Depends on the mood. Either way, thanks for the hand.” Deadpool stretched as he got out of the chair, and then looked at Spidey expectantly.

“So… are we just gonna stand here or does this call for celebratory ice cream?”

“What are we celebrating?”

“I dunno… ice cream?”

“Fair point.”

The duo laughed and then made their way out of the room, Electro still webbed to the wall.

 

* * *

 

The hero and antihero were halfway down the hallway when spider-man’s spidey-sense went off. He grabbed Deadpool and began sprinting down he hallway. They had gotten to the window, but Spidey wasn’t stopping. He smashed through the glass and prepared to hit the ground, Deadpool right behind him. Just as they fell onto the pavement, the building exploded, shards of metal and chunks of concrete flying everywhere. The rubble was in flames. Spider-man let go of Deadpool and sprinted right into the fire to look for survivors with the merc following close behind.

“DO YOU SEE ANYONE?” Spidey shouted over the roar of the flames.

Deadpool shook his head, but right as Spidey was about to look away he screamed.

“KID!!! THERE’S A KID!!! A…. A KID!!!!”

Spidey whipped around and ran towards where Deadpool was pointing, and Deadpool ran right after him.

 

A 12 year old girl was surrounded with a ring of fire on the bottom floor of what was once the building Deadpool was being held captive in. She was curled up in a ball, but didn’t seem to be afraid of the fire. Spider-man stayed right outside the ring of fire, but Deadpool kept going and tried to take another step forwards, but quickly took his foot back and yelped.

“Hot! Hot! Fire is hot!”

Spidey rolled his eyes and groaned.

“Pool, fire is _supposed_ to be hot.”

“Not this hot!” Deadpool protested. Spidey gave him the stink eye, so he shut up.

 

“Hey kid, you okay?” Deadpool said loudly in hopes that the girl could hear him.

The girl looked up. She had short cropped black hair and her eyes flared a bright orange.

“It’s not my fault,” she said. The flames roared around her as she spoke.

“Of course it’s not!” Deadpool responded quickly. “Just let us help you and we can find your family and get you home.”

“It’s not my fault!” the girl insisted once more, a bit crazed. “Not mine.”

“I get that this wasn’t you, but just calm down and we can help.”

The girl’s eyes widened.

“Help?” she questioned.

“Yes,” Deadpool said, rather relieved that he was beginning to get somewhere. “We can help. You just need to come with us. We’ll all get ice cream!”

Spidey was confused with what was going on, but what Deadpool was doing seemed to be working, so he just let the mercenary do his thing.

“Ice cream,” the girl repeated thoughtfully. All of a sudden, the flames died out. The girl stood up and began approaching Deadpool slowly. She looked up at him, and grabbed his hand. Deadpool expected her to say something, but she seemed content with the silence. He then began walking slowly towards the nearest ice cream place that he knew of with the young girl clinging to his arm. Spidey watched from a short distance,but then began following them. Once he caught up, he stood next to the girl, but she hissed at him so he slowly backed away to be by Deadpool’s side as the odd trio made their way towards the ice cream shop.

  


Spider-man, Deadpool, and the still unnamed girl had been eating their ice cream in near silence for almost five minutes when the girl finally spoke up.

“Kira.”

Spidey and Deadpool looked up in surprise, but recovered quickly.

“Is that your name?” Spidey asked kindly. Kira didn’t seem to like Spidey as much as she liked Deadpool, but she nodded to him anyway.

“Do you have a family?” Deadpool asked with a mouthful of ice cream.

Kira shook her head. “I live on the streets, keeping myself warm.” She stuck a palm out, and a small flame burst into existence. While Spidey marveled at this mutant power, Deadpool scooted his ice cream away from the heat so it wouldn’t melt.

“Where’d you get your powers, Kira?” Deadpool asked, hiding his ice cream in his lap.

Kira shrugged. “I dunno. My parents left me on the street when I was seven, right after they found about my flame.” Kira tucked away her hand and the flame extinguished as she continued to eat her ice cream like she hadn’t eaten in days.

“Why did that place burn down?” Spidey probed. Kira glared at him and addressed Deadpool instead.

“They found me on the street and tied me up. They were bad men.”

Deadpool nodded.

“They had me tied up too, they were trying to catch good ‘ol Spidey here.” Deadpool nudged Spidey with his arm, who was too wrapped up in his ice cream to be listening at the moment.

Spidey looked up.

“Do you need a home?” he asked rather bluntly. Kira thought for a moment before responding.

“Mhm, if I can leave when I want.”

For a moment, Deadpool considered taking the kid home, but he didn’t think Peter would be too happy with that. Before he could bring that up, Spidey spoke once again.

“Do you know who Steve Rogers is? He’s a very nice man.”

Kira nodded. Everyone knew Captain America.

“He’s a good friend of mine. If you want to live with him, I’m sure he would accept.”

Kira smiled for the first time.

“Yes! Thank you!”

Spidey looked at Deadpool.

“No time to waste. It isn’t too late, so I bet that Stark Tower is open for visiting. You know JARVIS, right?”

Deadpool chuckled. “Of course I know that goof of an AI program. After all, I _am_ his Dope-ass Fresh Prince.”

Spidey ignored that weird comment and just kept talking.

“He’d let you in to see Steve, as long as you took off weapons.” Deadpool groaned at that, but then perked up.

“Since we’re all done out ice cream, we might as well go now! You ready Kira?”

Kira nodded enthusiastically.

“Spidey? Can you come?”

Spidey shook his head. “Sorry. I gotta get back home and work on a project. You two enjoy!”

“Ew, work. Well, thanks. See ya!” Deadpool blew a kiss, and Spidey laughed.

 

Spidey, Deadpool, and Kira stood outside the ice cream shop. Spidey waved Deadpool and Kira off, but could still hear part of their conversation with his enhanced hearing.

 

“What should I call you?” Kira asked. Deadpool chuckled.

“Call me Wade, sweetie. Wade Wilson.”

 

Spidey gasped. _Wade is Deadpool? Crazy roommate Wade is even crazier_ mercenary _Deadpool? Does he know who I am?_

At that moment, Spidey realised for the first time in two years, that he _really_ needed a drink.


	11. Captain America Daycare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade drops off Kira at Stark Tower, and is promptly removed from the premises.

With Spidey off to wherever he was going, Deadpool was stuck alone with Kira. He did have experience with children as he had lived in an orphanage for a short period of time, but no experience with young and mildly sassy mutants.

“Are we there yet?” Kira asked for what seemed like the hundredth time. Deadpool groaned internally.

“Almost. Just a few more blocks.”

Kira groaned, dragging her feet.

“Ya know, this would be a lot easier with a car.”

“Well my apartment doesn’t have parking spots, and being a mercenary doesn’t pay  _ that _ much.”

“What’s a mercenary?”

Deadpool suddenly realised that telling a child that he killed people for money wasn’t a good way to make her comfortable around him, so in fear that she would set him on fire, Deadpool responded with the first thing that came to his head.

“I…  _ help _ people for money.”

Kira grinned.

“That’s nice!”

Deadpool let out a breath that he didn’t realise he had been holding in. They walked in almost silence until they were about a block from their destination.

Stark Tower stood above the duo, in all of it’s 105 story glory. It gleamed with the late-day sun, and Deadpool had to shield his eyes to look at it. This magnificent sight only encouraged Kira more, as she gripped Deadpool’s hand tighter and bounded ahead, dragging the poor man behind.

They arrived at the base of Stark tower, and Deadpool held open the large glass doors for the young girl. When inside, Kira marveled at the high ceilings and the people milling around in fancy dress. For the first time, she seemed to be speechless. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Deadpool spotted Tony Stark in a fancy suit talking angrily into a headpiece. Tony wasn’t very happy with Deadpool breaking his windows twice in one night, so Deadpool did his best to avoid the billionaire.

Deadpool gripped Kira’s hand, and wordlessly began to lead her to the elevators while attempting to avoid Tony’s gaze. The elevator doors opened the second Deadpool stepped near them.

Once the doors closed behind Deadpool and Kira, a disembodied voice began to speak.

“Hello, my Dope-ass Fresh Prince.”

Kira’s head whipped up in confusion.

“JARVIS! My man!” Deadpool responded. He had always enjoyed interacting with the AI.

“How can I be of assistance?”

“Can you bring this lovely young lady and me up to Cap’s floor?”

“Assuming you meant Captain Steve Rogers, yes. Will that be all?”

Deadpool sniggered.

“Well, unless you can pay my taxes, that will be all.”

Without further ado, the elevator began whirring, and Deadpool and Kira began moving upwards.

After hearing JARVIS declare that they had reached their destination and giving them directions to Steve’s personal room, Deadpool and Kira were off through the winding hallways of the 97th floor of Stark Tower. They passed a bar, what seemed like a rec room, and a mini movie theatre that had Clint Barton passed out on one of the seats in it with  _ The Maze Runner _ playing as he snored. Deadpool stopped to take a picture of that, and then kept on moving.

 

It took about ten minutes of getting lost and stealing Tony’s food (That was Kira) and pocketing a nice bottle of malt liquor (That was Wade) for the duo to find Steve’s room. They hadn’t actually followed JARVIS’s instructions, but instead they found a day-drinking Thor who was talking to his hammer, Mjolnir. Thor guided them to Steve’s room, and bade them farewell. Shortly after, he passed out on the toilet seat in one of Tony’s high-tech bathrooms. The bathrooms were the only rooms without camera surveillance, so it would take a long time for anyone to find Thor.

 

Kira tapped her foot impatiently while watching Deadpool try to guess the correct combination to open Steve’s door. He had gotten so many incorrect guesses that the keypad was giving out small shocks whenever he got the code wrong. Kira sighed and shifted her weight to the other foot, and began whistling. Deadpool was a bit irritated by this behaviour, but he knew that trying to stop her would just encourage her more, so he began to work quicker. Soon enough, he guessed the right passcode: 28259. The door opened with a click. 

Deadpool squatted down to eye-level with Kira.

“Kid, you’re gonna have to wait out here. I’ll just be a minute. Kay?” 

“Kay?” Kira responded. Deadpool said nothing, as he was out of earshot in the super soldier’s quarters.

 

Deadpool heard some clinking of silverware from a nearby room, so he made his way towards the noise. After rounding a corner, he saw Captain America in a hoodie and sweats, nursing a bowl of hot soup next to his chest. He had earbuds in and was watching something on his computer, so he didn’t notice Deadpool. Deadpool took this to his advantage and leaned casually in the doorway before letting out a loud “YOOHOO!!!”

 

Steve startled, and tore his earbuds out of his ears after pausing whatever he was watching. When he recognized the red-suited mercenary in his door, he put his soup down and got into fighting stance.

“What do you want,” he growled, pulling his fists up. Wade laughed, still leaning in the doorway.

“Relax, tiger. I’m not here to fight. Mind if I sit down?”

“Please don’t.”

Wade ignored this comment and sat down in the chair across from the one Steve had been sitting in, and began talking at top speed.

“So, long story short, Spidey rescued me from Electro, but the building blew up. We didn’t find anyone else besides a girl who was controlling the explosion and the fire. She’s actually pretty nice, and seeing how she has a complete disregard for authority, such as my telling her to wait outside, I bet she’s standing right behind me.”

At that, Deadpool turned around and waved at Kira, who waved back cheerily. Steve’s eyes widened, but before he could speak, Deadpool began talking again.

“Kira needs a home, and I was thinking your insanely attractive self would have the time and the ability to take care of someone her age and with her powers. Sound good to you?”

Steve was slack-jawed from all the information that had just been thrown at him.

Deadpool put a hand up to his mouth, and began to stage whisper.

“She doesn’t have a home if you say no, so consider that too.”

 

Deadpool took a step back and put his hands on his hips and smiled brightly.

“It’s up to you. Will you take her?”

Kira was kicking the carpet, but after Deadpool nudged her, she grinned.

“Please Mr. America?”

“Good, just like we rehearsed. You got the kicked-puppy facade just right.” Deadpool whispered to Kira, who just grinned even more.

 

Steve’s heart must have melted like the rest of his body did, so he crouched down to eye-level with Kira and spoke directly to her.

“Kira, I would love to take you in. Just call me Steve.”

Steve put a hand out, and Kira grabbed it and shook it enthusiastically. Steve and Kira then turned to Deadpool, who had a hand clasped over his heart. Deadpool wiped a mock-tear away from his face.

“It seems like just three hours ago we met, and now I have to see you go. What a shame.”

Kira laughed, and grabbed Deadpool’s waist.

“Thanks, Wade.”

“Anytime.”

 

Wade stood back up and faced Steve.

“You know this doesn’t mean I owe you.” Deadpool said to Steve, who chuckled.

“Of course not. Now I’ll get acquainted with Kira. You go. Enjoy the complex before Tony gets back or go home. For the first time, it was nice seeing you.”

 

Deadpool grinned widely, as Captain America had been his childhood hero, and any congratulations from him meant the world. He saluted the super soldier, and then left and closed the door behind him.

  
  
  


Wade had been watching a rerun of Rent while spooning with Clint when Tony burst in. The doors to the mini movie theatre burst open, and Deadpool and Clint shielded their eyes at the sudden intrusion of light.

“Get out.”

“Whattimeisit,” Wade groaned. It seemed like it was their fourth time watching Rent in a row, but it was actually the seventh-and-a-half. He and Clint had been watching the musical on replay for a bit over fourteen hours. By that point, Deadpool had memorised the words to  _ La vie Boheme _ , which had once been a lifetime goal of his.

 

Tony ignored Deadpool’s mumbling, and proceeded to kick him out of his position of little spoon. 

“Out, out, out.”

Deadpool kept groaning, trying to grab back onto Clint, who was just waking up.

“I don’t wanna get upppp.” Deadpool complained. He swiftly kicked Tony in the back of the knee surprisingly well for someone who had just woken up, and then went back to spooning Clint.

 

Tony raised an eyebrow at Deadpool, but the mercenary was already asleep again.

 

Deadpool woke up in a dumpster outside of Stark Tower. He didn’t know how he got there, but he just shrugged and took the malt liquor out from where it had been hidden, and chugged the whole bottle in less than two minutes. He then lay back down in the dumpster, too tired to move, and fell asleep for the next few hours.   
  


* * *

 

When Wade woke up, he was being stared at by multiple people who seemed to work at some sort of landfill, judging by their clothing. Wade sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“Where am I?” He asked. The waste workers just continued to stare. Wade looked down at his legs, which weren’t attached to his torso. Wade groaned loudly, and then reached for his bottom half. He pulled it up towards his top half, and the flesh began to mend right in front of the eyes of the confused workers. As the flesh and bones knit back together, Wade began to sport a very large bulge in his pants. The waste workers seemed even more disgusted, so they left.

“It’s completely natural,” Wade shouted after them, “You can’t blame my body for what happens when I’m partially detached from it.”

 

Grumbling about ignorant non-mutants, Wade stood up and began his long walk from wherever the hell he was back home. He was going to have to come up with quite an excuse for Peter about why he smelled like trash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if you could tell, but steve always wanted to be a father, and wade is a slut for rent.
> 
> remember to leave kudos if you liked it and to comment what you thought!


	12. Maybe Wade isn't as bad as he seems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Wade head out to Christmas dinner with Aunt May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me so long to update; it's a bit hard getting in the christmas spirit when it's early september and you're jewish. enjoy the chapter!
> 
> also if someone made art for this, i cant pay you but it would be amazing! hmu my tumblr is not-wade-wilson

The Christmas spirit came to New York in the form of a thick layer of snow on the ground, food truck vendors fancying up their trucks with tinsel, the occasional person asking for charity, and the giant bedazzled trees everywhere. They constantly looked as if they were going to fall on someone, and Wade wished they would.

 

Wade wasn’t much of a Christmas person in the first place. He burned down his childhood home with his parents still in it, so he never got any presents. He also thought people praising a guy with long hair and a halo was weird, so he had just ignored religion for the majority of his life. Christmas time didn’t mean family to him; it just meant sales on literally everything and too many people singing the exact same songs every year.

 

Wade heard knocking at the door for the fourth time that morning. He was fucking done with carolers, with their weird outfits and obnoxiously loud voices. He thought that staying still would convince the annoying singers to go away, but the rapping continued. Wade groaned and grabbed a handgun from under his pillow, and made his way to the front door.

He opened the door and held the gun to the forehead of the intruder.

“Deck the halls with my ass, you shitheads. Now fuck off. Jesus might love you, but I don’t.”

 

Instead of screaming and running away like the others did, this caroler just sighed deeply. Wade looked at the presumed caroler’s face to find Peter Parker.

 

“Nice to see you too, Wade,” he said airily. “Now, if you could just lower the gun and let me come it, that would be fine.”

 

Wade awkwardly lowered the gun and shuffled backwards, muttering a quick “Sorry,” which Peter laughed off.

 

“Carolers are annoying, I get it,” he said, brushing past his somewhat crazed roommate.

 

Wade was confused, as most people freaked out when a gun was held to their head. Peter turned around.

 

“Hey Wade?”

“Mhm?”

“Can you make some mac and cheese? I’m friggin sick of ham and eggnog”

 

Wade chuckled and lumbered to the kitchen and began preparing the mac and cheese and Peter went back to his bedroom and pulled out a laptop. Wade stuck the meal in the oven and tried to navigate his phone while wearing fluffy, hello-kitty themed oven mitts while Peter stayed in his room for a good hour, until he heard the timer to the oven go off.

 

The second the beeping started, Peter dashed into the kitchen and opened the oven and tried to get the mac and cheese pan out with his bare hands. He screamed as the hot glass burnt his hands, and almost dropped it, but Wade caught it with mittened hands.

 

“What the  _ fuck _ were you thinking?” Wade scolded, putting the hot dish down with one hand and playfully hitting Peter on the back of his head with the other. Peter had been pretty skittish around Wade lately, but this was a new record for weirdness.

 

Peter groaned loudly and grasped his hands to his chest.

 

“It’s been a…  _ long  _  week.”

 

Wade nodded and turned back around, doctoring his mac and cheese.

“So, what’s the big rush?”

 

Peter’s eyes lit up.

“You know my Aunt May?”

 

Of course Wade knew the famed Aunt May, half the time she was all that Peter talked about, whether it was about her recovery from hip surgery or going to visit her for Sunday brunch.

 

“Well, she invited me over for Christmas dinner, and I’m bringing you.”

 

Wade stood up a bit straighter.

“You want to be seen with me?”

 

Peter laughed. “You aren’t all  _ that _ bad.” Wade chuckled.

 

“So, when do I get to meet this famous aunt of yours?”

 

Peter was already halfway out of the room.

 

“We’re leaving in an hour; get dressed and bring the mac and cheese!”  
  


* * *

 

A bit more than an hour later, Peter stood in front of his Aunt May’s front door, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Wade stood next to him with the mac and cheese in his hands.

 

“Should I ring it again?” Peter asked, turning around and looking up to make eye contact with Wade, who chuckled.

“I think three times is enough.”

 

Right on cue a call of “Come in!” came through the door, and Peter opened the door.

 

The inside of the twin house was cosy with plush chairs and a coffee table in the living room and a kitchen connected to a small dining room on the first floor. In the kitchen, an older but still fit woman crouched over a ham, seasoning it rather strongly. When she heard the door open, she looked up and smiled at Peter and Wade.

 

“Hello Peter. And is this Wade?”

Aunt may rounded the kitchen island with one hand staying there to keep her stable. Peter and walked further in so that Aunt May could greet him with a hug. Wade continued to stand awkwardly in the doorway until Aunt May motioned for him to come in. Wade breathed a sigh of relief when May didn't seem disgusted by his skin. He had wanted to wear his mask, but Peter didn’t need to know about that side of his life.

 

“I’ve heard so much about you! Throwing parties, making pancakes, Peter’s been having so much fun!”

 

Peter blushed a deep shade of pink, and Wade laughed, warming up to the woman already.

 

“It has been a crazy five weeks. Peter  _ just  _ learned how to use the shower!”

May and Wade laughed about that for a minute, and Peter blushed even more.

 

Peter took the dish from Wade’s hands and put it on the dining room table, and transported the ham there too before May could put even more seasoning on it. Wade helped May to the table as Peter sat down.

 

Wade shifted in his seat. “So does your family say grace? Or...”

 

May laughed. “Dig in!” she said, cutting off a gracious slice of ham and throwing it on to Peter’s plate.

“You need to eat more.” She said firmly when Peter tried to put some of the enormous portion back. Wade laughed loudly.

“I love this woman already,” he said to Peter, who smiled.

 

Wade cut himself an even larger portion of ham after May had served herself. Wade sniffed the emat and then began shoveling it in his mouth. He then leaned back in his chair and threw his head back and moaned.

“This,” Wade said, shoving even more ham in his mouth, “Is the best fucking stuff I’ve ever eaten.”

 

Peter looked at May nervously, assuming that she’d be furious between the below-average table manners and cursing, but instead May laughed.

 

“From someone who made that superb mac and cheese, I’m taking that as a compliment.”

Wade laughed, and it was a miracle that the ham didn’t shoot right back out of his mouth.

 

They made idle conversation as they ate, and about halfway through the meal, Peter excused himself to use the bathroom. Instead of going to the bathroom, he made his way upstairs to his childhood bedroom.

 

He sat on the small bed and put his head on his hands. He had been living with a  _ mercenary _ for the past five weeks without knowing. He could have killed Peter so many times in that period of time, but why didn’t he? What was he thinking, bringing a mildly crazed mercenary into his aunt’s house? He could kill her, or hurt her, or…

Peter’s thoughts were cut off by a loud round of laughter from Wade and May.

So maybe they were doing better together than he expected. Peter made his way to the bathroom and splashed water on his face before making his way back to the dining room.

  
  


When Peter left, May took advantage of her time with one of her nephew’s friends and did her best to learn as much about Peter as possible without him knowing.

 

“So, has Peter brought anyone by?”

Wade shook his head. “Not yet.”

“Any girls?”

Wade laughed. “I haven’t seen him with a girl, but he did fangirl over quite a few guys.”

May didn’t know what fangirl meant, but could guess what it meant.

“Wade,” May said, all the fun gone from her face, “Do you think Peter’s bisexual?”

Wade spat out his drink and started laughing really loudly.

“You’ve seen that too?”

“Of course! I was a mother to that boy for more than fifteen years, and he’s never once brought a girl by.”

“He’s in denial about it, my little bi kiddo,” Wade said jokingly, clasping a hand over his heart. May snorted.

“Of course he is, he hasn’t found the right person yet. Maybe one day,” May said, winking at Wade, who blushed a bit.

 

“So it doesn’t bother you?”

“Hmm?” May responded, very interested in the mac n cheese.

“My skin. It disgusts most people.”   
May looked offended. “Why would I be? It makes you unique, and is much more interesting than flat skin. If someone has a problem with it, they should fuck off; it’s not their business.” May clapped a hand over her mouth. “Don’t tell Peter I cursed, he still thinks I don’t curse.”

Wade’s eyes widened. He hadn’t expected May to say any of that. After a moment of staring at the amazing woman, he broke out into the widest smile possible.

 

“Can I live with you?” Wade joked, “You’re an amazing person, and I now see where Peter gets his manners and dashing looks from.”

 

May laughed. “Oh, anytime honey. Frankly, Peter would be lucky to date you. He can get lonely, and you’ve got the spirit for him, and you keep him happy enough as a roommate.”

Wade shifted in his seat. “I wish,” he said.

 

May looked sympathetically at Wade, and then they both turned their attention back to their food. A few minutes later, Peter returned from his suspiciously long bathroom break, and began stuffing his face with food once again.

 

They talked about typical things, like the weather and May’s new hip bone surgery, and why the Daily Bugle had suddenly stopped going after Spider-man. When the latter conversation arose, Peter shifted uncomfortably in his seat and Wade smiled.  
  


It was 10pm when Peter started getting tired. The food had been finished off a while ago, so at that point everyone was just talking. Peter yawned, and May and Wade’s eyes darted to him.

“Aw, Pete, you’ve gotta be tired. Ready to go home?”

May put a hand on Peter’s forearm.

“I’m not letting either of you take a taxi or even walk in this weather, it’s freezing!”

 

Wade and Peter agreed to stay the night at May’s. May had planned for Peter to sleep upstairs in his old room, but he couldn’t fit on the bed, so he and Wade slept on the pullout - _ haha pull out _ \- couch. 

 

Long after May had retired to bed, Wade and Peter finally made their way to the couch.  Peter made it a point to sleep facing away from Wade and distancing himself. Peter could tell that Wade was asleep from his heavy breathing. Peter rolled over to look into the mercenary’s closed eyes. It was a cold night, and the thin sheets didn’t do much to retain heat. He felt warm when Peter let one of his hands rest on Wade’s shoulder. After a quick decision, Peter snuggled up to Wade, whose arms instinctively pulled Peter closer.

_ ‘Maybe Wade isn’t as bad as he seems’ _ Peter told himself, savoring the heat of Wade’s figure.

_ ‘Maybe he isn’t as bad as he seems _ , _ ’  _ he told himself, drifting off to sleep in Wade’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! remember to leave kudos and comment what you thought about my slowly-becoming-more-fluffy fic. also idk if you noticed but aunt may 10/10 ships it
> 
> if you can make art for this fic for free, be my guest! contact me on my tumblr, which is not-wade-wilson


	13. Do I know you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter ends up finding katanas on his suit, while Wade blatantly abuses his webshooters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! sorry if this chapter is a bit short. enjoy!
> 
> also thank you guys so much for 4,600+ hits in 20 days! it means so much to me when i see that people like my work.

What wakes you up better in the morning than a bucket of ice water?

Falling face-first into your scrambled eggs.

Or at least, that’s what Peter decided after face-planting into his warm scrambled eggs. The previous night he had the best sleep he could remember, but he felt a bit off that morning. When he woke up, Wade was gone, so he was able to walk around in his suit in the apartment. It had felt suspiciously baggy and heavy, but Peter dismissed that as his limbs feeling weird. It was red, and the only red in the laundry bin, so he just picked it up and put it on.

 

The eggs had been quite a shock, but they managed to keep him awake enough to finish his meal and jump out of the window. He flung a wrist out, expecting a webshooter to engage and swing him across the low-rise, but instead he fell three stories down. He managed to grab the wall before he hit the ground and climb the building. Once he was safely on the roof, he took off the mask, which he just then noticed had suspiciously small eye-holes and the black markings around them. Peter gasped. He knew this mask. He patted down his person, finding guns strapped everywhere and a pair of katanas on his back, weighing him down.

 

Peter groaned loudly. How was he going to find Wade? The mercenary had webshooters, so he could be miles away by then. Peter had nothing except for sticky hands and a suit that smelled like gunpowder, leather, and day drinking. He wondered how Wade was faring, and if he had discovered if Peter’s two identities were connected yet.

 

“WAHOOO!!!” Wade shouted, swinging from building to building. He had just learned how to use the webshooters, and was having a blast. He landed in the famed “superhero landing,” and was enjoying his time so much while doing his best not to tear the suit. He didn’t question why Peter had a Spidey costume- he just questioned why he had fully functional webshooters. Peter was such a nerd at times, he most likely wondered if he could make it. Maybe he was just a weird cosplayer. Or maybe this was _the_ suit. Wade dismissed that last idea as desperation to know who the man under the mask was.

 

Wade spent almost two hours swinging around the city. In the past, he had been offended whenever someone had referred to him as Spider-man, because according to him, he had the red design first, but now he was overjoyed to be compared to the wall-crawler.

 

Wade perched on a ledge overlooking a nice park, taking in the view and the cold winter morning air. A few people stood below him, taking pictures of the strangely muscular Spider-man. Wade smiled at them and considered giving them a nice show of his middle finger, but then decided it would tarnish Spidey’s reputation. Wade waited for nothing in particular, just enjoying the air.

A few minutes later, Wade spotted a red-and-black clad figure running towards him across rooftops. Wad put a hand to his forehead to shield him from the sun, and got a better glimpse of the man. Upon closer inspection, the man was someone wearing his deadpool suit with katanas and guns strapped everywhere. The figure leapt from the edge of a rooftop to the side of another building and scaled it, repeating that motion process until he caught up with Deadpool.

 

“What… the… _fuck_ ,” he panted, catching his breath from his unwanted cardio workout. Deadpool looked just as surprised. He recognized that voice.

“Spidey?” He asked. The man nodded.

“How’d you get my suit?”

Peter dismissed that question with a vague wave of his hand.

“How’d you get _mine_?“

Wade definitely knew that voice. Without having the suit to associate the voice with, he still recognized it.

“Kid, I’m not a very smart man with a good sense of smell, but even _I_ can sniff something fishy going on. That suit was at my private residence, which I’ve taken every measure to secure from prying eyes. I’ll ask again. _How did you get my suit?_ ”

 

Spidey backed up slowly. He knew how dangerous Deadpool could be when he was mad. He put a hand out behind him, and felt the rooftop entrance behind him, so he moved forwards a bit.

Deadpool began advancing slowly, drawing a knife from who-knows-where.

 

“Wade,” Spidey said desperately, fearing for his life, “this isn’t what it seems!”

 

Deadpool rushed forwards, growling as he slammed Spidey into the wall, holding the knife at his leather-clad throat.

“You know my name. How? Answer me, or I swear to fuck I will rip your throat open right here, right now.”

Spidey gulped, his Adams apple bobbing scarily close to the tip of the blade. After a split second decision, he spoke.

“Lower the knife.” Spidey’s commanding tone surprised Wade so much that he put the knife down, still eyeing the hero suspiciously.

Spidey took a deep breath, and put his hand to the bottom of the Deadpool mask he wore. Pulling the fabric over his head, he made eye contact with Wade, who’s face was slack with surprise.

“There you have it,” Peter said, looking downwards. “I’m your spider-boy. Friendly neighborhood whatever. Happy?”

 

Wade didn’t react aggressively as Peter had expected, but instead took a step forwards and put his hand under Peter’s chin, pulling his head up.

“Pete,” he said quietly. Peter nodded, grimacing his lips.

“When did you find out about me?” Wade asked, much quieter than his usual booming tone.

“You mentioned it to Kira. I did my best to keep my two lives separate, but,” Peter shrugged. He let his eyes fall downwards once again, Wade’s thumb still on his chin.

 

“You’re… You’re Spider-man,” Wade said once again, still in shock.

“Mhm.” Peter nodded.

Peter and Wade's faces were close, closer than they had ever been before. If Peter leaned forwards just a bit, he could brush lips with...

“So you aren’t just a kinky cosplayer?”

Peter chuckled and lightly hit Wade across the face.

“So, are you gonna take your mask off? It’s not like I haven’t seen your face before, and it does get a bit awkward looking into those unblinking white eyes. How do you put up with my mask?” Peter shuddered, and Wade laughed and took the mask off.

 

“I did my best not to tear it,” Wade said. Peter was thankful for the thought.

The two stayed quiet, just gazing into each other’s eyes for a moment.

“Well, wanna head back home to change?”

Peter nodded, glad that Wade broke the mildly awkward silence.

 

“So, how do we get back?” Peter asked, putting the Deadpool mask back on. Wade smiled as he pulled the Spider-man mask back over his head.

“How does piggyback sound?”

 

* * *

 

There’s a drastic difference between swinging through the skyline with webs, navigating around buildings when and where you want to, and holding onto the back of a mercenary who was abusing the webs for dear life, screaming directions into his ear as he whooped and screamed in delight.

 

“LEFT!!! I SAID LEFT!!!” Peter screamed, not knowing if Wade didn’t hear him or just chose not to acknowledge him. Wade made the left, and then dropped twenty feet onto the pavement in front of their apartment building. One of his ankles snapped, but he popped it back into place. He deposited Peter on the ground, who was shivering and muttering things like “Never again,” and “Fucking crazy mercenary.”

 

Wade laughed gleefully and grabbed Peter’s hand, dragging him up the stairs into their apartment. He threw Peter into his room jokingly, and then slammed his own bedroom door shut behind him. He leaned against the wall and took a deep breath. _Spidey?_ His _Spidey was Peter?_ Wade was emotionally confused in so many ways. He peeled off the spidey suit and threw it out of his bedroom. He then took a long sip of the now-flat beer on his bedside table. He coughed at the altered taste, but chugged the whole thing and then sat back on his bed, falling asleep almost instantly.

 

 

Peter had a bit of a harder time taking off his suit; it took almost half an hour to take off all of the layers of weapons while making sure the safety of the guns was on. After that, it was much easier to remove the baggy fabric. Once he was done, he put on a hoodie and sweats. He folded the deadpool suit and put all the weapons on top. He knocked on Wade’s door to return the suit, but the only response was light snoring. Peter put the suit on the floor outside the door, and sat on the living room couch.

When Wade woke up in the morning, they would have a _lot_ to talk about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, and remember to comment what you thought  
> if you could do art for this for free, i would be so thankful! my tumblr is not-wade-wilson


	14. Out with the old, in with the gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade and Peter have... fun on new year's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my favorite chapter yet!!!!!!  
> thank you so much for reading! it means so much that lots of you have stuck through with this fic, so thank you all!

December 31st, 2017

 

“Spidey, can you move over a bit?”

“It’s not like I’m comfortable either,” Peter grumbled, shifting around. Spidey and Deadpool sat on the cold concrete ground of who-knows-where, tied back-to-back on the chilly day. They could hear the busy streets nearby, but calling for help hadn’t worked, so they had just tried to settle in and wait for their captor to emerge and hopefully free them.

It had been about three hours. Wade and Peter had tried to entertain themselves with games, but not being able to face your opponent made it a lot more difficult. At one point, they tried to escape by standing up and shuffling to the door, as their legs weren’t tied, but the only good that did them was Deadpool slamming face-first into a wall, which shut him up for a while.

At one point, a man in a hazmat suit walked in. The anti-hero and superhero asked for help, but he disregarded their pleas and plunged a syringe into Wade’s right bicep. Wade made no sound as the man left. Afterwards, Peter asked what had happened. Wade thought that the younger man was upset enough, and didn’t have to worry about the bright blue liquid that had been pumped into his veins. Instead, he told Peter that the man had secured the ropes more, which Peter just nodded too. 

At one point, Peter had gotten so tired that he laid his masked head back on Wade’s and fallen asleep for a short period of time, until Wade had fallen asleep and started snoring loudly.

 

It had been five hours, and no one had come. Peter seemed to have fallen asleep again, and light had pretty much stopped coming through the single dirty window in the room.

  
  


{This would be a perfect time to inconspicuously touch the spidey-booty}

[No argument here.]

“Shut up,” Wade grumbled. The boxes ignored him.

{Actually maybe not}

[You’re turning down the spidey-booty? TRAITOR!]

{No, it’s just… Wade’s  _ fucking stupid ass _ scared off the poor twink when he caught us making out with the cosplayer}

[Trying to prove that Wade’s an idiot? I’m all for it. That was fucking stupid, and Spidey  _ hates _ you now]

“Shut the  _ fuck up _ ,” Wade said again. The voices continued on their rant.

{And then there’s that whole Spidey-is-Peter thing. The poor boy must be so confused}

[All those feelings for you! And I’m not saying the sappy  _ omg I love Wade  _ and  _ Deadpool _ , I mean  _ what the fuck he’s so ugly and brutal _ ]

{Seriously Wade, he could barely stand you when he could see the scars, how does he even go near you now, knowing the true bloodthirsy shit you are}

“I said, shut the  _ fuck UP _ ” Wade roared, slamming his head forwards. That swift movement woke up a rather disoriented Peter.

 

“Who’s there? What’s going on?” Peter jerked around, trying to escape. Once he calmed down, he addressed Wade.

 

“Who were you talking to?”

“No one.”

Peter sighed. 

“Wade, I know you must have been talking to  _ someone _ . Please share who, I’m in dire need of a conversation and or entertainment.”

{Wade, buddy, just remember this is the last time Peter will think you’re eve  _ slightly _ sane}

“The voices,” he blurted out. Wade was insanely thankful that he couldn’t look Peter in the eyes at that moment. He was waiting for Peter to tell him he was a freak, but instead-

“Is it schizophrenia?”

“Of sorts,” Wade responded quietly. There was another moment of silence.

“What do they say?”

That was the question that stumped Wade. His mouth formed soundless vowels for a moment, before he blushed.

“They say I fucked up my chances with you and that it’s a miracle that my skin hasn’t scared your pretty face away.”

Peter took a deep breath.

“Wade whatever Wilson,” Peter started.

“Winston,” Wade interjected. Peter sighed.

“Wade Winston Wilson, the only ugly thing about you is the toenail clippings you leave on the sink. You’re an amazing and kind person who just has a non-traditional job.”

Wade almost started crying. After Weapon X, the only person to even think of him as a good person was Vanessa, who broke up with him because he spent almost two million dollars on McDonalds Big Macs and guinea pigs. After a moment of silence, Peter spoke up once again.

“You think I’m pretty?”

Wade tried to nod enthusiastically, but just ended up slamming the back of his head against Peter’s, who just laughed.

“Thanks, Wade.”

“Anytime, baby boy.“

“Hey, Wade?”

“Mhm?”

“What else do the boxes say?”

{Tell him we wanna smash}

[Becky lemme smash]

{U want. Sum fuck?}

Wade sighed.

“Memes. They keep quoting fucking  _ memes _ .”

Peter laughed.

“See? You  _ are _ a millennial.”

Wade groaned loudly, which Peter laughed even harder at.

Another long moment of silence passed.

 

“Petey?”

“Yea, Wade?”

“When do you think we’re gonna get out of here?”

“Hopefully soon.”

 

As it on cue, the roof exploded inwards, showering Peter and Wade in a thin layer of concrete dust.

  
  
  


“Surprise, assholes. Your extraction team has arrived.”

Peter and Wade looked up to see Tony Stark in full Ironman armor descending from the sky, with a quintet hovering directly above him. Steve Rogers was holding on to a ladder attached to the quintet, which was being piloted by Natasha.

“Did it  _ have  _ to be these guys?” Wade said quietly to Peter, who chuckled.

Steve leapt five feet to the ground, and smiled at Wade.

“Nice to see you again, Deadpool.”

Wade almost squealed.

Tony dropped to the floor and began undoing the ropes.

“How’d you two get yourselves into this shit?”

 

{The only shit here is Tony}

[OOOOHH BURN]

 

Wade chuckled.

“It’s a long story.”

  
  


Half an hour later, Tony was still angry at Deadpool for refusing to tell him how the duo got there, and Peter and Steve were bonding.

 

“You know,” Peter said, “there’s a mall in Brooklyn with a statue of you in it.”

Steve put a hand over his mouth. 

“Really?”

“Mhm.”

“So, I’m assuming you live in the area?”

“Yeah, nearby,” Spidey said dismissively. He was still just Spider-man to the Avengers, and he planned to keep it that way.

 

After Natasha landed the jet, Peter quickly learned that most of the hero community knew who Wade was. Not where he lived, which was a relief, but just his real name and his line of business.

Peter stood awkwardly to the side as Wade spent a long portion of time greeting Clint. Turns out, the archer and the mercenary had taken up quite a few jobs together. As Wade and Clint chatted it up, Peter made his way towards Steve once again.

 

“Hey, Spidey.”

“Hi, Steve. Is Kira around?”

Steve shook his head.

“Sorry, she’s sleeping. She is doing very well though.”

Peter smiled at that.

  
  


Once Wade was done catching up with Clint, he made his way over to Bruce Banner.

 

“What’s up, doc?” Wade said, putting his arms over Bruce’s shoulders. Bruce laughed.

“Hello, Wade. What’s up?”

“Not much, not much,” Wade said dismissively. “How are you?”

“I’m pretty great! Lately, I’ve been-”

“I was being nice, I don’t care,” Wade interrupted. Bruce chuckled. Classic Wade.

“A few weeks ago, while I was with Spidey, we saw a guy inject something into his arm. A bright blue substance. He hulked out on us, but I shot him and he hit the ground.” Bruce nodded, prompting Wade to keep going.

“Well, when in the warehouse, a guy in a big ass hazmat suit comes up and stabs me with something similar right here.” Wade motioned to his right bicep, which looked exactly the same.

“Is my healing factor messing with it? I might not be a sciency guy, but I like to know at least a  _ bit _ of what's going on inside this hunk.” Wade patted his chest.

“Of course I can help. Follow me to the labs”

“Aight just gimme a minute.”

Wade turned around to Peter.

“Hey Spidey!” he shouted, “You can go home, see you later!”

Peter nodded, but Tony narrowed his eyes.

“Do you two live together?”

Neither of the men responded; Peter jumped out of an open window and Wade followed Bruce to his labs.

 

* * *

 

“Honey, I’m HOOOOOOME” Wade called, slamming the door to his shared apartment open. Peter sat on the couch across from the TV on his laptop. Once he saw Wade emerge from the door, he shut his laptop. 

“What’s up? It’s only ten. You should be off drinking or some shit.” Peter waved his hand vaguely. Wade laughed.

“Well, we have two hours to get to Times Square, so get off your ass.”

“Times Square?” Peter questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Mhm. We’re watching the ball drop.”

Peter gasped.

“Won’t we get… mugged or something?”

Wade chucked.

“You’re motherfucking Spider-man, you won’t get mugged.”

Peter laughed at that.

“Alright, I’ll go under one condition.”

“Aaand what is that?” Wade questioned, sitting on the armrest of the couch.

“We go without our suits.”

“Why?”

“I mean, you aren’t an embarrassment, so I have no idea why you don’t like being seen in public without your mask on. You’ve got really nice cheekbones, an amazing jawline, and piercing blue eyes.”

Peter cast his eyes downwards, almost as if he regretted what he had said.

“Pete...” Wade trailed off.

{So you didn’t make Peter  _ completely _ hate you}

[Oooh you looove him]

“Of course I do, you dipshit,” Wade said out loud. Peter looked up in surprise, but then calmed down.

“Was that the voices?”

Wade grunted a ‘yes,’ and Peter nodded in response. He knew better than to ask what they were saying, so he let it drop.

 

“How long until we leave?” Peter asked. Wade was pulled from his thoughts, and looked up at Peter, his eyes sparkling.

“Right now.”  
  


* * *

 

“It’s so loud!” Peter shouted over the dim roar of people. Wade and Peter made their way through the throngs of people. Wade had insisted on bringing a pistol with him, but Peter made him keep it concealed. The two were holding hands, but just so they wouldn’t get separated.

{Mhm, sure.}

[“Just so you don’t get separated?” Suuuure]

Wade grumbled.

They navigated their way slowly through the crowd, still holding hands, until Peter stood in front of Wade to get him to stop.

“We’re here,” he said breathlessly. The ball glimmered brightly, capturing the eyes of everyone nearby.

Wade smiled at Peter’s joy.

“Five minutes to go!” Peter said excitedly, gripping Wade’s hand tighter.

{Five minutes until we give up on our pathetic little crush!}

[Hey, don’t say that. Five minutes until our pathetic little crush gives up on  _ us _ ]

{Aha, I see your point}

Wade said nothing.

 

One minute to go.

Peter was bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet, awaiting the much-anticipated ball drop. It was a cold night, so soon enough he found himself burrowing into Wade’s warm side, even if his instincts told him to do the exact opposite and get the hell away from the mercenary. Instead, Peter looked up at Wade.

 

Thirty seconds

 

“Hey Wade,”

“Yeah, Pete?”

“There’s something I’ve gotta tell you.”

 

Fifteen seconds

 

“Uhh, it’s a bit hard to admit this, but I really like you?”

 

Five

 

“You  _ what? _ ”

 

Four

 

“I like you Wade. A lot.”

 

Three

 

“Wade? Are you listening?”

 

Two

 

“Petey, I really like you too.”

 

One

 

As the ball dropped, Peter saw people all around them kissing their loved ones, and did the first thing that came to mind.

 

Peter dipped Wade low to the ground, leaned in close, and kissed him.

And Wade kissed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> questions? comments? concerns? need more gay? please comment below what you thought, and leave kudos if you feel obliged


	15. Spooky Shiklah Hell Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade and Peter find themselves in a less-than-fun situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i fucking love theatre, so you'll have to pardon the constant broadway show references. kudos to you if you recognize the play that this title is after. anyway, thanks for reading! if you ever at all feel obliged to make art for this, please contact my tumblr, not-wade-wilson

Wade’s mouth was warm, and his lips were rough but gentle, and Peter lost all sense of time as Wade slowly kissed him back.  Peter pulled away for a moment, looked into Wade’s eyes as they opened, and kissed him again. It was different this time—deeper, full of need. Wade was light in his arms, and he felt as if they could have stayed there in each other's grasps for forever, or at least until the masses started pushing away from the ball drop and back to whatever mode of transport they were using to get home. Peter and Wade broke apart, breathless. Wade gazed into Peter’s eyes, trying to tell how he felt about what had just happened, and the only thing he could see in the younger man's eyes was pure joy. Wade heaved himself up, and hugged Peter, burying his head in his in the hero’s neck.

 

“I really,  _ really _ like you.”

Peter chuckled and kissed his forehead before grabbing his hand and leading him back home.

 

The walk back was mostly silent both in between Peter and Wade, and in Wade’s head.

 

{Did… did he just...}

[Yep]

{I can’t believe it}

[Me neither]

{He chose us}

[Big surprise there]

 

Wade ignored the voices, completely happy with his life for once. He didn’t know what was going to happen next, so he was completely content with living in the moment and enjoying his time with Peter before the hero realises how bad of a person Wade is and leaves him in disgust.

  
  
  


While Peter didn’t have voices in his head, thoughts were zinging around like crazy. 

_ What just happened omg omg omg. _

_ Does Wade like me back? _

_ Oh shit what will happen with this in the future? _

_ aaaaAAAAAAAAAAA _

 

Peter noticed his heartbeat picking up, so he took some deep breaths to calm himself. By the time he had settled his heartbeat, he and Wade were in front of their apartment. Wade managed to retrieve his keys without letting go of Peter’s hand. Once the two were in the apartment, they looked at each other awkwardly. It felt so different now that they weren’t surrounded by people. 

Wade grabbed Peter by the waist and pulled him in for one last kiss, his rough lips meeting Peter’s soft ones. After a few moments, Wade pulled away slowly and let go of Peter.

“Goodnight, Peter,” he said softly. Peter smiled at him.

“Night Wade.”

 

* * *

  
  


“Long time no see,” A female voice purred. Wade’s eyes shot open. 

In front of him stood a slim, purple skinned woman. She wore a dark unitard with a shawl draped over her shoulders and attached to her wrists. A golden sickle hung from her belt, and her black hair was adorned with golden wings. The floor below him was covered in blood that had been brushed across the floor in some sort of satanic emblem, and he was sitting on a chair in the middle of the markings.

 

Wade smiled.

 

“Shiklah, honey! Long time no see,” Wade greeted her. Shiklah grinned at him. The two sat in silence for a moment, before Wade brought up the first thing that came to mind?

“So is this some sort of booty call?”

Shiklah laughed, rolled her eyes, and then shook her head.

“How about a  _ duty _ call?”

Wade’s eyes sparkled.

“Does it involve killing people?”

Shiklah nodded vigorously, making her way over to Wade and sitting in his lap.

“Lots of people?”

“Of course, dear,” Shiklah said.

“Oh boy!” Wade stood up suddenly, pushing Shiklah off his lap and onto the floor. Shiklah rubbed her head angrily and groaned.

“Why so excited?” She asked, inspecting her perfect violet skin for scratches.

“It’s been a long time,” Wade started, scratching the back of his neck, “There’s a guy I like, but he doesn’t like me killing people, so...” Wade trailed off.

Shiklah stood up and brushed herself off.

“You must love this man a  _ lot _ to not kill anyone,” Shiklah grumbled. Wade nodded, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

 

“So, what am I doing here again?” Shiklah sighed. 

“Follow me,” she said, leaving the room that they had been cooped up in. Wade took one last look around before he shuffled after the demon queen.

 

As they went deeper and deeper underground, the air got more and more hot.

 

“Are we there yet?” Wade asked, wiping sweat from his brow.

“No, Wade.” Shiklah said harshly. Wade raised his non-existent eyebrows and kept on following the demon queen.

  
  


“Are we there yet?” Wade asked for the thirteenth time.

Shiklah didn’t respond. Wade turned around, and the last thing he saw before blacking out was the demon hitting him in the head with a golden staff.

  
  
  
  


Wade groaned, trying to shift to his other side. Instead, he found that he had no sides to roll over on. Opening his eyes, he saw Shiklah on his left, inspecting her perfectly manicured nails while reclining her throne. Wade was sitting in a throne next to Shiklah. It was a lot like her elegant purple and gold chair, but instead it was blood red and covered in spines. Wade had been stabbed through with the spines, and he was virtually immobile, save for being able to move his head around. In front of him, he saw some poor soul with his head resting in the restrain assembly of a guillotine, his hands and feet tied behind his back. His features were unidentifiable, as he had a bag over his head.

Shiklah looked over at Wade, and gave him a menacing smile.

“Oh, you’re up! Sleep well?”

“What the  _ fuck _ is going on here? When I said I was into double penetration, I didn’t mean being stabbed through the chest with two metal spines,” Wade spat angrily. Shiklah laughed.

“Dear, not  _ everything _ is about you. For example, today is about our guest.” Shiklah waved a hand in the direction of the motionless figure. All of a sudden, the figure moved. Shiklah stood up in her throne and made her way to the guillotine.

“It seems as if our sleeping beauty has awoken,” she said. Shiklah grabbed the bag and tore it off the man’s head. 

“Pete!” Wade cried. 

{We kiss him  _ once _ and people are already using him as bait?}

[We kissed him more than once]

{If only we could have kissed him more}

[Aww]

 

“Wade?” Peter replied, slightly bleary-eyed. His hair was a mess and he had a black eye and a scrape running down his left cheek. 

Wade strained to get up, but the spikes held him in place.

“Are you okay?” Wade asked desperately.

“Mhm,” Peter said lazily. He looked around to the demon queen standing above him, and then the guillotine above his head. He then began to shake his head no as he saw the blade above his neck.

“I take that back; I am not okay!”

 

“Shiklah,” Wade said slowly, with no emotion left in his voice, “What is going on here?”

Shiklah grinned.

“Well, you were cheating on me with this spidery scumbag, so if he dies, you can’t cheat on me with him!”

 

Peter cocked an eyebrow.

“Crazy ex wife to the  _ extreme _ ,” Wade said to Peter, answering his unasked question.

 

“I wasn’t cheating on you,” Wade said, now addressing Shiklah, “You divorced me and married Dracula! Aren’t you still married to him?”

Shiklah shook her head.

“While Dracula did have the cold heart I yearned for, Memphisto has the fiery passion and burning rage I longed for.”

Wade started laughing at that.

{What the fuck did the  _ demon queen _ just say something both insanely sappy and insanely weird at the same time?}

[Lmao]

{Did you just say ‘lmao?’}

[Don’t question me]

 

“You really think,” Wade said, wheezing with laughter, “that I give a flying fuck about your love life.”

“Well you asked,” Shiklah responded, slightly offended.

 

{Wait… how did we get down here? Didn’t we seal off New York and this world?}

[Yep, we did. So how are we here?]

 

“So let me get this straight,” Peter interrupted, “Crazy purple lady here marries Wade, divorces him for Dracula, and then divorces him for Memphisto? Isn’t Memphisto like… the king of hell?”

Wade and Shiklah both nodded. Peter sighed.

“So why am I here?”

Shiklah strolled up to Wade and stroked the side of his face, but backed away when Wade tried to bite her finger off.

“You’re here because I miss my Wade, and I want to make him hurt,” Shiklah said roughly.

Wade and Peter exchanged glances.

 

Wade gritted his teeth and slid his arm more onto the spike that it was impaled on. It didn’t hurt.

 

{Let me guess, no pain means it’s a dream}

[Pretty much]

{So we’re breaking the fourth wall of our dream?}

[Yep]

 

Wade smiled. Shiklah looked confused at his sudden show of emotion, which just made him smile wider.

 

“Shiklah,” Wade started, “You realise you  _ suck _ at dream sequences.”

“Excuse me?”

“No pain. Mini glitch. Sorry hun, but you won’t be hurting Petey anytime soon. I won’t let that happen.” And with that, Wade slammed his head backwards onto the spike resting behind his head, killing him instantly.

 

* * *

 

When he woke up, Wade found a purple and gold gem resting on his chest. He took it off in disgust. 

{That must have been what caused that weird shit}

[Wait… is Pete awake yet?]

 

Wade ran into Peter’s room, slamming the door open. On the bed, he saw Peter with a similar stone on his chest. Wade took it off as soon as possible and chucked it out of the open window.

 

* * *

 

Wade slammed his head back onto a spike and disappeared. Peter gasped, and Shiklah chuckled.

“Well, that’s enough theatrics. Now, for you.” Shiklah put a hand on the rope of the guillotine.

_ There must be a way to get out _ , Peter kept telling himself.

Shiklah smiled brightly and began to slowly pull the rope, the blade of the guillotine beginning to dislodge itself and come straight for Peter’s head. Right before the blade his his neck, Peter woke up.   
  


* * *

 

Peter sat up quickly, shaking in fear. Wade wrapped the younger man in his arms, and held him until he stopped.

 

“Pete, are you okay?”

Peter nodded. Wade scratched the back of his head.

 

“Well, since we’re both awake, I think we have a lot to talk about.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! sorry i didnt get to peter and wade talking about feelings n shit, that's gonna be next chapter. please comment what you thought and where i can improved, or leave kudos if you feel obliged.


	16. Are we a thing now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade and Peter talk things out, and Peter consults family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyyyyy  
> im so proud i wrote two chapters in one day! so here's my first i'd say official spideypool-being-a-thing chapter! enjoy!

It was a cold and windy New Year’s day. Peter and Wade sat next to each other on their threadbare but much-loved couch. While it was much nicer inside, both of them would have done just about everything to not be in the awkward situation that they were in at that moment.

 

“So,” Wade started. Peter looked up at him, prompting him to continue. “Where is this going in the future? Was it just then? Will it be something?”

Peter cast his gaze downwards and shrugged.

“I dunno. Last night was great and I enjoyed it so much, but I don’t know if I can do this.”

 

{I knew it. He hates us}

[Hey, maybe he has something else to say! Give the boy a chance]

{No. We’re a pathetic freak who doesn’t deserve attention from a cute lil twink like him}

Wade winced, but didn’t respond.

{Hear that, asshole? Peter was just horny. He could give two shits about your ugly, mottled, only slightly thicc ass}

[Hey, that’s mean! He’s perfectly thicc]

{I can agree with that, but it still doesn’t change us being a fucking despicable tick that refuses to give up hope on Peter}

 

Wade took a deep breath.

“What do you mean?” Wade asked.

“Like...” Peter wrung his hands, “I like you Wade. A lot. More than I like to admit, but we spend so much time together, it would be hard to keep our two lives separate. I mean, it already is.”

 

[Well at least it was a soft letdown]

{It  _ was _ a letdown, though}

 

Wade nodded slowly.

“I get the feeling. Let’s just see where it goes for now. Sound good to you, Petey-pie?”

Peter chuckled.

“As long as you stop calling me those stupid nicknames.”

Wade gasped in indignation.

“Stop calling you nicknames? How  _ dare _ you! My pumpkin sweetie kitten-pickle honey ass...”

 

Wade would have continued but Peter was laughing so hard that he just had to join in too. Peter’s phone started buzzing, so he pulled it out of his pocket and checked it.

 

“Hello?”

“Oh, Aunt May! Sorry, I forgot. Be there in fifteen! Bye.”

Peter put the phone down.

“Sorry, Wade. I gotta go. I forgot about Sunday brunch with May. See you!”

Peter was halfway out of the door when Wade waved back at him.

“See you,” he said weakly.

 

* * *

 

Peter arrive breathless in front of Aunt May’s house. After leaving his apartment building, he had thrown his suit on and swung to his aunt’s house. It felt so good to be flying through the crisp air in the morning. He had been so busy lately that he hadn’t had much time for free time, and when he did, it was spent studying or with Aunt May.

 

Peter rang the doorbell, and heard a brief “Come in” shortly after.

Peter opened the door to see a brightly grinning Aunt May sitting on one of the many plush armchairs.

“Hello, Peter! I see you didn’t bring Wade this time. He’s such a nice young man. How is he?”

Peter chuckled nervously and sat down on another equally plush chair across from May.

“He’s fine. How are you?”

“Thank you for asking! I’ve been very good lately. You see-”

 

As May talked, Peter’s mind began to drift. He thought about Wade. Wade was a great guy; he was a fun companion, a pretty good roommate, an amazing friend, and an even better kisser. But then he thought about Wade’s Deadpool side. He was also a brutal mercenary who would do just about anything for profit. He killed, had been killed, and braved through it all. Someone who had lasted through all of that shit must have had accumulated a massive amount of emotional baggage. Especially Wade, because of the hell some people must have put him through regarding his skin.

_ I wonder what happened to his skin _ , Peter mused. If Peter decided to become…  _ a thing  _ with Wade, he would be taking some of the baggage load off of Wade, but putting it on himself. It would be a burden, but it would mean so much to Wade. Peter liked Wade. A lot. While he did do bad shit, he also did some good shit, and he usually has good intent. Maybe he wasn’t as bad as he seemed. However, that nightmare shit? Now  _ that _ was fucking terrifying. He was lucky Wade got him out of there, but if he had nothing to do Wade in the first place he would have been spared that traumatic incident. It wasn’t that he was angry at Wade- he couldn’t have done anything about that fucked up situation. He was scared. If being around Wade got his head nearly chopped off, if kissing him  _ once _ made his ex-wife angry enough to threaten both of their lives, then he couldn’t deal with it. Peter feared for his life when he was around Wade. Not when he was Deadpool- he knew that Wade would do absolutely nothing to harm him- he was afraid about what comes with Wade. Peter understood that the package deal included all of the terrible things that followed Wade around, but would he be able to deal with the things that tried to kill him?

 

Peter was pulled from his thoughts by Aunt May clearing her throat loudly.

“Peter, dear, did you hear what I said?”

“Sorry, Aunt May, I didn’t.”

May huffed.

“Well, I was saying how Wade was a very good person, and that someone like you would be lucky to be with him.”

Peter sat up straight.

“And what brought that topic up?”

“Well,” Aunt May started, “An old friend of yours visited today.”

“Who?” Peter asked, “Harry?”

May shook her head.

“No, it was Mary Jane.”

Peter’s eyes widened. He hadn’t spoken to MJ since he was eighteen and in his senior year of highschool. They ended their relationship on a bad note; Peter had come out as bisexual to her, and she had rejected him. She had thought that he wasn’t into her, and accused him of cheating while making a big scene. The last words she had said to him were  _ “Go suck a dick, you faggot.” _ May fully supported Peter in avoiding her throughout college.

 

“She came to apologise.”

“For what?” Peter said harshly, “For ruining my life and putting me in a depressed state for a month? For telling me constantly how no guy would love me and no girl would go near em if they found I was also into guys?”

 

May lowered her head.

“Mary Jane is a changed girl. She means well. She’s working at the Starbucks down the street from here. If you ever feel obliged, you can find here there most of the time.”

 

Peter looked at the front door. He could leave. He could go and either make things up with MJ or not. What did it matter; he had plenty of friends. But something nagged the back of his brain. He  _ should _ make things right with MJ. If she was willing to apologise, the worst thing that could happen is him leaving and not having her as a friend like before. Maybe it would be worth it. 

Peter stood up.

“I’m going to go see her.” Peter stated.

“Now?” May asked, putting down her tea.

“Yes,” Peter said, putting his jacket on, “Now. Thanks for the lunch, and have a great day!”

May waved as Peter left her home.

“Kids,” she sighed, picking her tea back up and taking a slow sip.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Peter opened the door to the coffee shop, shivering. While it had been a three block walk, it was still freezing outside. One of the baristas caught his eye. She was lounging in a chair, apparently on her break. She had fiery red hair and was texting on her phone. Peter made his way over to her and sat down. The girl looked up, and here eyes widened.

“Peter?”

“Hi MJ,” Peter said, his voice emotionless. Mary Jane clasped her hands over her mouth.

“Oh my god Peter I’m so sorry about everything I said our senior year. I was a shiity friend and an even shittier girlfriend. I said all that homophobic crap and it was so terrible… I have no idea why I did it, and I’m so so sorry Peter you don’t understand I completely regret everything I said; you’re attractive and nice and everyone loves you. I’m so sorry I was being an asshole and a terrible person,” MJ would have carried on for longer, but Peter stopped her.

“It’s fine.”

“What?” MJ asked. Peter shrugged.

“It’s in the past. As long as you get that what you did was life-changing and not in a good way, we’re cool. I’m trying a new thing where I look at people for their good sides.”

MJ’s eyes brimmed with tears.

“Oh, thank you so much Peter! I’ve held that weight on me for so long, and now I feel so much better!”

Mary Jane was always one for theatrics.

“Hey, MJ?”

“Yeah?”

“As an apology, can you grab me a coffee?”

Mary Jane chuckled and whipped up a black coffee; sugar free and cream free, just how Peter liked it.

MJ wrinkled her nose.

“I’ll never understand how you can drink that bitter shit.”

Peter laughed and then took a long sip of the coffee and let out a satisfied sigh.

“That’s the stuff,” he moaned. MJ laughed.

  
  
  


Peter talked to Mary Jane for a good hour; catching up with what was going on in her life and everyone else they went to highschool with’s lives. Mary Jane was one of those people who knew  _ everyone _ . 

It was 8pm when Peter got up to leave. Right before he exited the door, Mary Jane called his name.

“Yes, MJ?”

“The guy you were talking about, Wade. You should keep him. He seems like a great guy, and he’s lucky to have you.”

Peter smiled at MJ, and then left for home.

 

* * *

 

“WADE” Peter called into the seemingly empty apartment.

“Yeah?” Wade responded from the bathroom.

“Nevermind,” Peter called back, “I’ll wait until you’re done.”

 

Five minutes later, Wade stepped out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist. He sat down on the couch next to Peter.

“What’s up?”

“Well,” Peter started, fidgeting with his sleeves, “I know that this is sudden, but can this… us… become a...a thing?”

“Of course!” Wade almost screamed, beside himself in happiness. He grasped Peter’s hand and saw the younger man present the most happy smile he had ever seen. Wade put a hand on the back of Peter’s head and guided him in for a quick kiss. When they pulled back apart, Wade’s eyes were shining.

“You meant that?”

“Of course, Wade. I love you. You make me so goddamn happy.”

Wade smiled brightly.

Peter and Wade gazed at each other for a few minutes, perfectly content with looking into the other’s eyes.

All of a sudden, Wade stood up.

“Sorry, Petey!” He called over his shoulder, already going back to his room, “I’ve gotta go to bed super early. I’ve got a job at 2am, and I need my beauty rest.”

Peter nodded, even though Wade couldn’t see him.

Wade went to open the door to his bedroom, but ended up dropping his waist towel and giving Peter a great view of his ass.

Wade turned to Peter.

“Sorry, hun, but that part comes later,” he said, winking. 

{Haha. Cums}

Peter laughed and waved goodbye to Wade.

The second the door shut behind him, Wade let out a breath he didn’t know that he was holding in.

[We did a thing, and it was a good thing!]

{For  _ once _ }

“Hey,” Wade scolded quietly, “Give me some credit. I got a loving boyfriend!”

{Peter  _ and _ Spidey! It’s still quite a shock}

[And just think; we get to bang Petey  _ and _ Spidey in one go!]

  
  
  


Peter sighed. That morning he couldn’t have wanted to be further away from Wade, but now he just wanted to be in his arms more than anything. Being with Mary Jane and hearing Aunt May made Peter really appreciate Wade and love him even more, if that was possible. Peter refused to acknowledge any negative emotions as he curled up on the couch and fell asleep in a blissful state.

 

* * *

 

{Do you think Pete’s asleep?}

[Why?]

{We could, ya know, spoon? Or some fluffy shit like that? The readers love that}

[No argument here]

 

Wade groaned and got out of bed. He went to the living room first, and he found Peter shivering slightly, laying on the couch curled in a ball. Wade cooed quietly to himself, and then curled up around the younger man; his face in Peter’s hair. Peter stopped shivering as Wade’s warm figure enveloped him, and a smile slowly creeped across his face. This is where he wanted to stay. He wanted to stay with Wade’s arms wrapped around him and Wade’s warm breath on the back of his neck. He loved Wade, and he wanted to stay curled up with Wade forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i hope you liked it. please comment what you thought; seeing what you guys think is the highlight of my day! also leave kudos if you liked it!   
> if you have any prompt suggestions, feel free to comment them or send them to my tumblr; not-wade-wilson


	17. How I met your Spider-man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to when Peter and Wade first met
> 
> This chapter includes the much-beloved spideypool mario kart cliche

It was one of those mornings in September when you knew the seasons had begun to change; the leaves were turning vibrant colors and landing in piles on the ground, the normally warm air started to have a crisp edge, and the college students were going insane.

 

Peter threw his hands up in the air. This was the seventeenth apartment within good distance of his college that he  _ couldn’t _ pay for. He was sick of not being able to pay for things, and he didn’t want to have to put a financial burden on Aunt May.

 

“Peter, are you doing okay?” Aunt May asked, hovering in the doorway of his bedroom. Peter shook his head.

“I’m fine, it’s just insanely hard to find an apartment in my price range that’s also near the college and isn’t the front for an identity theft ring.”

May chuckled.

“Peter; you’re working yourself up into a snit. It isn’t as difficult as you think it is.”

Peter smirked.

“Well then  _ you _ try finding me a place that fits my requirements.”

“Watch your tone, young man.” May glowered at Peter, who let out a meek “Sorry.”

“Did you try looking for roommate requests?”

“Roommate  _ what _ ?”

“You’ve been looking through entire apartments,” May said impatiently, “How about looking for people who need a roommate? You only have to pay half of the rent,and you can end up making some pretty good friends.”

Peter cocked his head considering the idea.

“May,” he said slowly, “That idea is damn near genius!”

“Language,” May said, but then chuckled. “You’re welcome. Now, I’ll be downstairs if you need me. Good luck!”

Peter waved absentmindedly at May as she left. There were plenty more roommate requests than whole apartments on Craigslist. Most of them were college students looking for roommates, but some were elderly sugar daddies. Ew. Peter navigated to the college student section. Some were just broke students like him and some were trying to start sororities and fraternities. One specific ad caught his attention. The title read:

 

**apartment for rent in brooklyn. includes 35 year old roommate who can’t be removed (don’t worry we’ve tried).**

**2 bedroom, 1 bathroom. all animals are welcome except ferrets. ya just can’t trust those furry sons of bitches. you pay $300 every other month. pretty cheap; amirite? you can only move in if you aren’t against musical theatre at 2 am and if you have a profound appreciation for captain america’s ass. you don’t need to know what i do for a job; you just need to know i make a shit ton of money and can pay for rent myself, but i get lonely. “this seems perfect!” you think to yourself. however, i will ask you some questions if you apply to be my roommate. apply at the phone number below.**

 

Below the advertisement there was a phone number. Peter had found the description so entertaining, and he decided that the worst case scenario was that he embarrassed himself over the phone in front of a complete stranger. He put the number in his phone, and then sent a message.

 

* * *

 

_ Peter-  _ Hello! I’m here to apply to be a roommate.

_ Wade-  _ well hello there! whats your name? im wade

_ Peter-  _ I’m Peter. What questions do you have for me?

_ Wade-  _ here goes:

  1. are you attractive?
  2. do you like mexican food?
  3. have you read all of the harry potter books?
  4. what is your gender, age, and whatever the fuck you identify as?
  5. finish this sentence; roses are red, violets are blue...



_ Peter-  _ Well, I like to consider myself as attractive

_ Wade-  _ that’s good for a start

_ Peter-  _ Of course I like, mexican food, who doesn't?

_ Wade-  _ ding ding ding! you got that one CORRECT

_ Peter-  _ I’ve read all of the Harry Potter books like… two times?

_ Wade-  _ good, good

_ Peter-  _ I’m a 21 year old male

_ Wade-  _ and, last but not least,

_ Peter-  _ Roses are red, violets are blue. Dumbledore dies? That I knew.

_ Wade-  _ perfect, perfect! That last one tugged on my heartstrings, but it was perfect. Want to meet up for lunch to get to know each other before i make any decisions?

_ Peter-  _ Sure. Does tomorrow sound good to you?

_ Wade-  _ of course. meet me at the apartment; i can give you a grand tour and then take you to a great taco truck.

_ Peter- _ See you then!

_ Wade-  _ see ya   
  
  


* * *

 

Peter stood outside the apartment, bouncing nervously on the balls of his feet. The lobby of the apartment had been nice, and he bet that the apartment would be equally proper, but what he was nervous about was the roommate, Wade. While his description of himself and the apartment had been funny and welcoming, Peter still felt a bit uncomfortable living with someone. With Aunt May, he had been able to sneak out as Spider-man easily, as she was a heavy sleeper, but he didn’t know if his bedroom here would have a window, and if Wade would catch him in his suit.

_ Maybe Wade’s a supervillain. Or a superhero! _

Peter quickly dismissed that thought, because that cliche only occurred in shitty books. Right before his brain launched him into another nervous rant, the door opened.

In the doorway stood a man with the  _ prettiest _ blue eyes Peter had ever seen. He had high cheekbones and a very defined jawline. His bald head was covered in scars of varying shapes and sizes, and seeing how his hands were covered in similar markings, Peter safely assumed his whole body was like this. While other people might be deterred by this skin condition, Peter liked it. It made the man unique. The man noticed Peter looking him up and down, and raised a nonexistent eyebrow.

“Checking me out already? You haven’t even let me take you on a date!”

Peter looked up in surprise and smiled meekly. The man in the doorway offered out a hand.

“I’m Wade.”

“Peter,” Peter offered.

“So, do you want a tour of the apartment before lunch? Or are we just gonna stand here awkwardly?”

Peter responded by taking a few steps into the apartment. Wade shut the door behind them.

“Welcome to my humble abode. There are closets in the entry for all your closet related needs, we have a nice couch and a WII, my room is here, the kitchen is here,” Wade rambled on, pointing and opening doors.

“Bathroom is here. Ignore the two dials installed. And finally, your bedroom.”

Peter’s bedroom was cozy-sized; it had a bed, a few bookshelves, a small closet, and a nice window right above the head of the bed.  _ Perfect. _

 

“So, enjoy the tour? Does this place look good to you?”

“Sounds good,” Peter said without thinking.

_ Oh shit. I just said that. I’m gonna regret this _ . _ Oh shit oh shit oh shit. _

Wade clapped his hands together.

“That was a quick decision, but I’m not one to complain! Move in whenever you’d like.”

“Does a week or two sound okay? I’ve got classes but I can pack in between them.”

Wade put his hands over his mouth.

“Aww, you’re a wittle college student!”

Peter laughed.

 

“So,” Wade started, “My skin  _ doesn’t _ bother you?”

Peter shook his head.

“Why would I be bothered by someone else’s physical appearance. It’s not like I can control it, and it looks fucking badass.”

Wade smiled.

“Hey Pete, I think we’re going to get along very well.”

  
  
  


After grabbing tacos, Wade and Peter found themselves back at the apartment, eating their food on the couch. Peter noticed the large amount of WII games next to the TV, but one in particular caught his eye.

“Is that… Mario kart?”

“You know it, baby!” Wade crooned. Peter laughed.

“Pete; let’s make a deal. If you win, I pay for the first two months of your rent.”

Peter grinned.

“You’re on.”

 

After a long fight over which character to play as, Wade chose Princess Peach 

[Duhhh]

and Peter chose Yoshi.

It was a very heated game full of cursing, screaming, and death threats, however it made Peter like Wade more. The game showed that Wade had character.

 

Wade was in first place and nearing the end of the third lap. All of a sudden, Peter threw a blue shell at him.

 

“WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT YOU NINNY, WEAK ASS SHIT EATING PATHETIC WORM OF A MAN,” Wade would have gone on, but Peter was laughing really hard as he finished his third lap and threw the controller down on the couch.

“Jokes on you, Wade! I won. Two month’s of rent is now paid.”

Wade grumbled, but accepted his fate.

Peter pulled out his phone and checked the time.

“Sorry, Wade. I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you in a week, once I get my shit together!”

Wade smiled.

“You forgot something!” He called. Peter turned around, and Wade threw him a key.

“Welcome to the family.”

Peter shoved the key in his pocket, smiling. This was going to be a fun experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! the next chapter is gonna be about team red (spiderman, deadpool, and daredevil), because i havent written their specific and much beloved and hilarious chemistry in a while. however, due to me being busy as fuck, it might be a day or two before i post. thanks for waiting!


	18. Team Red! Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade and Peter meet up with their old friend Matt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the beginning might seem familiar, and thats because i deleted the last team red chapter and re-did it bc the last one was shit. this is one of two parts because it was getting long, so enjoy!

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

Matt Murdock sat in the confession booth, fiddling slightly with his smoked-lense glasses which he had taken off. Before he could say how long it had been since his previous confession, the voice on the other side of the confession booth rang out.

“No need to call me father, but daddy would suffice”

Matt gasped, not expecting that response. No priest would say that. Before he had the time to determine who the man on the other side of the confession booth was, a head shot through the paper splitting the confession booth into two.

 

“Hiya, Matty!” said Deadpool; his masked head halfway through the confession booth wall.

“It’s been too long since your last confession; wanna have a chat?

 

Matt resisted the urge to scream, and instead grabbed Deadpool’s head and pulled him further through the wall.

“What do you want? You know I don’t have a suitable track record with people named Wilson.”

Wade chuckled, pushing himself the rest of the way through the wall and sitting on Matt’s lap.

“That’s exactly my point.” Matt cocked an eyebrow, and Wade continued. “I was paid quite the large sum of moolah to give that fat fuck the old one two and then cut his head off. Mind helping me find him?”

Matt opened his mouth to respond, but Wade quickly put a gloved finger over his lips.

“I know, I know. I get it that you’re supposed to be an ‘all good, no kill’ kinda guy, but imagine how great it would be to have that deformed glob of hateful marshmallow fluff out fo your way?”

 

Matt removed Wade’s finger from his mouth.

“I want that obese manipulator out of my way as much as you do, but-”

“So, that settles it!” Wade interrupted, standing up and flinging his arms out. “We’re working together, just like the old days.”

Matt grumbled.

“We’ve never worked together, we don’t have any old days to compare to.”

Wade dismissed the thought with a wave of his hand.

“Well, in the future we can look back on how good we work together, and the unbreakable bond that is our friendship,” Wade said cheerfully, squishing his face against Matt’s. He the released the lawyer’s face and grabbed his hand, beginning to pull him from the confession booth.

“Time stops for no man, not even for two attractive hunks like ourselves.”

Matt knew that it would be better to keep his mouth shut, so he said nothing and followed the mercenary out of the confession booth.

 

* * *

 

Matt sat on Wade’s living room couch. Peter wasn’t home- he was most likely visiting his aunt because classes hadn’t resumed yet. While Wade and Peter were completely aware of both of eachother’s lives, they had made a slight effort to keep the two lives apart like they had always been. While it was a lot more awkward between them, they tried to make the best out of it, which meant whenever they interacted there were a lot of awkward silences.

 

Wade plopped down on the plushy couch next to Matt and put an arm around the blind man.

“So, where do we start?”

At that moment, there was a loud _thump_ on the window in Peter’s room, followed by a slow _creak._

“Wade?” Came Peter’s weak voice from the other room. Wade smiled apologetically at Matt and ran off to help Peter.

Two minutes later, Wade emerged from Peter’s room with the young man slung over his shoulder. Wade laid him down on the couch gently.

{Haha. Laid}

[Maybe if we’re lucky]

{ _Maybe_ }

 

Peter groaned.

“Got into fight with angry mob.”

Wade shushed Peter with one of his fingers.

“Pete, you’ve got to rest. Matt and I are gonna discuss how to take down Wilson Fisk. Now, you can listen, but don’t think we’re letting you into the field on this one.”

“Wilson FISK?” Peter almost screamed. After calming down, he repeated “Wilson Fisk?”

Matt and Wade nodded.

“That ass was the one who got my Uncle Ben killed.”

Wade stiffened. He knew how much Ben had meant to Peter.  Fisk had previously gotten into deep shit with Wade, but that was the icing on the goddamn cake.

 

“That settles it. We’re killing this bitch. Matt? Do you know where he could be located?”

“I was told they run a taxi business. Wade; you hunt down one of their taxis. Question the guy. He’ll say that he’ll never talk, but cutting out an eye can help.”

“Do you say that from experience?”

“Yep.”

“Cool!” Wade exclaimed.

“Ew,” Peter moaned.

“Once you get where he is,” Matt continued, “Peter and I can hunt him down. Once we have him, we’ll wait for you to finish the job. Sound good?”

Peter nodded grimly, and Wade smiled.

“TEAM RED FOR THE WIN!” Wade shouted, a lot louder than necessary. Peter sighed.

“Wade, if the team is reliant on color, then wouldn’t Ant-man and maybe Iron-man be a part of it?”

Wade smiled menacingly.

“Team red for the win,” he said once again. Matt shrugged, knowing he couldn’t win an argument with Wade.

“Well,” Peter started, “What are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

Wade stood on the balcony of the Ritz-Carlton hotel room, surveying the streets for his target.

“Romeo, oh Romeo, where art thou Romeo?” He crooned, putting his hands over his heart and staring off into the distance. He yearned for Spidey to climb the hotel and give him a kiss, but that was unlikely, seeing how Peter was waiting with Matt and how he would never agree to do something like that. The kid was still super confused with what was going on between him and Wade. It was obvious that he liked Wade a lot, but he seemed to be a bit uncomfortable with the whole Wade-being-a-mercenary aspect, which Wade could respect. Wade decided to give Peter as much time as he needed.

Wade was pulled from his thoughts by the appearance of the bright yellow taxi he was looking for. Wade glanced back at the hotel room, and then jumped off of the balcony.

Wade laded on the roof of the taxi, but not in superhero landing he had wanted. No, instead he landed in a split, his thighs parted. Something in his calf snapped, and he moaned as he re-positioned his legs. The taxi driver must have taken note of his appearance, as bullet holes had begun to emerge from the roof of the taxi. Wade dodged these bullets as best he can, but one of them went right through the fleshy part of his thigh. Wade gritted his teeth to keep from screaming, and then tore open the roof of the taxi.

Wade fell onto the driver and grabbed his neck. The taxi began to swerve, and it hit two cars as Wade struggled with the driver. Wade rolled down the window and shoved the driver’s head out of it. The man’s head hit against a passing-by side mirror, and he screamed. The man tackled Wade out of the passenger side door and on to the street. The two wrestled, but soon enough Wade had the other man pinned.

{We always top, and that’s how we like it}

[Agreed]

The man groaned, eyes rolling into the back of his head as blood dribbled down from his temple.

“Where’s Fisk,” Wade asked firmly

{Sound familiar?}

[WHERE’S FRANCIS]

 

The taxi driver turned his head over and spat out some blood, and then grinned.

“What’s it to you?”

Wade punched him in the face. He heard the driver’s nose crunch, and the man whimpered.

“You’ve got to understand me, he’ll kill me!”

“Not if I kill you first,” Wade growled. “Now, where is he?”

“Empire State building, 92nd floor. Now please, either you kill me or let me go kill myself.”

For the first time in a long time, Wade felt mercy. He gave the man the best apologetic look he could through his mask.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured as he whipped out a katana and sliced cleanly through the man’s neck. Peter wouldn’t have wanted him to do that, but for once Wade knew that he had made the right choice.

Wade left the body on the sidewalk and pulled out his phone as he walked away from the wreckage of the taxi.

“Hey Pet

“Hey, Wade,” came the response. There was a lot of white noise in the background; Peter must have been on a windy rooftop.

“I have our address. Empire State building. 92nd floor. Meet me in the lobby.” Wade hung up.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Ten minutes later, Deadpool, Spider-man, and Daredevil were standing awkwardly in an elevator.

“So,” Peter broke the silence, “What’s the plan?”

“Fisk’s goons will be in the way, so we have to take them out first.”

Peter cringed.

“Do we have to kill them?”

“ _You_ don’t have to.” Wade said. “Killing people fucks you up. You stay here while Matty and I take care of it, kay?”

Peter grumbled, but Matt interjected.

“Wade is right. It messes you up, and you seem sensible. Just stay in the elevator.“

“Yeah, let the big kids handle this.”

Peter groaned.

“Fine.”

The elevator dinged.

“And we’re here!“ Wade said. “Bye, Pete!”

Peter waved, staying put as Wade and Matt left the elevator, Wade’s katanas drawn and Matt holding a staff he had whipped out of who-knows-where.

 

“I’ll just… be here?”

  
  
  
  
  


Wade and Matt were half way down the hall when five goons jumped out at them. Matt did his best to size them up, and then used their size to his advantage as he barreled into the first one and the one behind him fell over as well, knocking them both unconscious. Wade didn’t even have time to move as Matt bashed one of the men on the back of the head and punched the other in the face, those two falling over just like the first two. The final man turned to Matt, and threw a punch at his left side. Matt grabbed his fist and pushed it back, effectively elbowing the man in the gut with his own arm, and then drop-kicking him, sweeping his legs out from beneath him and slamming him in the head with the staff. The man fell over, and Matt stepped back and dusted off his hands. Wade whistled.

“Not bad, Matty. Not bad.”

“Thank you,” Matt said curtly.

“Let me take the next few.”

Matt nodded his agreement and they kept navigating through the halls. Soon enough, an alarm went off. Wade groaned, and Matt sighed.

“We’ve got company,” Wade warned Matt as he saw more men running down the hall towards them.

“I know,” Matt said. Wade quirked a hairless eyebrow, but said nothing. Matt gave Wade a chance to be in the spotlight by stepping back, and Wade took it.

Wade ran at the men, katanas unsheathed. Before any of the seven men could hit him, he had one katana slicing off three heads, and the other impaling someone in the chest.

“Four in one!” Wade shouted cheerily, already wiping the blood off his katanas. As the other three thugs charged him, Wade sheathed his katanas and whipped out a pistol and shot them all point-blank in the head.

“Hey Pete,” Wade called, turning towards the elevator, “Did ya see that?”

Pete gave Wade a thumbs up. While he didn't approve of the kills, he saw how happy it made Wade. Peter was so distracted by Wade that his spidey senses didn't go off when a man dropped down from the ceiling of the elevator and hit Peter in the back of his head, knocking him out instantly. He then slung Peter over his shoulder, an disappeared back into the elevator shaft before Wade could make it back. Matt grabbed Wade by the shoulders to stop him from running after Peter.

“Let me GO!” Wade shouted, fighting against Matt, who held him firmly.

“Wade,” Matt said coolly, “Peter is now Fisk’s bargaining device. He won’t actually hurt him, but now we have to move fast. You good?”

Wade took a deep breath, and then nodded.

The mercenary and vigilante noticed another small horde of men coming towards them. Matt strapped his staff to his back, and readied his fists.

“Let’s teach no one to fuck with my Spidey,” Wade said, unsheathing his katanas and twirling them into a fighting stance.

The men got closer, and Matt and Wade charged at them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! questions, comments, concerns? comment what you thought and if you liked it; seeing what you guys think helps be improve in my writing and is also one of my favorite things to see. thanks for reading! the next chapter should be out tomorrow or the day after


	19. Team Red! Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter, Wade, and Matt take down Wilson Fisk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa thank you all so much for 14,300+ hits in less than a month! you guys are amazing!!!  
> also sorry for how short this chapter was; i really wanted to post

Matt Murdock woke up on the carpeted floor of the 92nd floor of the Empire State building. He groaned and rubbed the back of his head. He and Wade had managed to take out at least twenty seven men, but they must have been overpowered. If so, why was he still here?

Matt did a quick injury evaluation; he had a gash running down his right cheek and was bruised from head to toe, but nothing was severe, so he groaned and stood up. The first thing that he noticed was that Wade was gone. The second thing he noticed was the screaming.

Matt’s head whipped up as he detected the cries of pain. He stumbled a bit as he stood up, and had to lean against his wall so he wouldn’t fall over. His head hurt like hell, so he wasn’t able to focus on exactly where the sound came from, so he just began to run in the general direction.

 

Wade looked at Peter. The young man’s face was twisted in pain and he was screaming like he was dying, which he may have been. The two were strapped to metal operation tables. The only needles in their arms were IV’s, but those didn’t hurt much. Wade was more concerned about the cage encircling his head, and a similar one over Peter. They looked pretty sci-fi-esque, lights blinking rapidly as it sent jolts of pain through his skull. Wade wanted to scream and cry. He wanted to die more than ever.The pain was so much, but he wanted to stay composed for Peter.

“We’re gonna get through this, Pete,” Wade said with gritted teeth. Either Peter didn’t hear him, or he was in too much pain to respond. 

All of a sudden, Peter stopped. All Wade could hear was the whirring of the machine and the whispering between the three men in lab coats in the room. Wade glanced at Peter, and found that the younger man had fallen asleep. Wade knew he wasn’t dead because his heart monitor was at a standard rate. But then it got faster. And faster. His heart was beating so fast that he should be dead. Wade looked at his heart monitor and it showed the same thing. The last thing Wade saw before he blacked out was a pudgy face looming over him.

“Good,” said Wilson Fisk, “Very good.”

 

* * *

 

Matt stood outside the wooden door. The screaming had stopped, but he could tell that there were still people in there. He took a deep breath, and then kicked down the door, staff readied by his side. There were six men in the room; three of normal stature, two unconscious ones laying on tables, and one large one.  _ Fisk. _ Matt whipped out his staff and smacked one of the men in the back of the head, and then turned around and delivered a swift punch to another one, knocking him over. He rounded on the third man and kicked him in the stomach, and then began beating him with the staff. Over and over, he slammed the blunt end into his stomach cavity, until he was a bloody mess. The one that he had punched seemed to still be partially conscious, but Matt decided to keep him like that so he could question him later.

 

All of a sudden, Peter’s body jerked to sit upright, breaking through the bonds holding him to the table. He got up, stark naked, and walked slowly to Fisk.

“What… have.. you  _ DONE _ ,” he roared, in a very not-Peter way. Matt gasped. It was Wade, but it was Peter. Peter-Wade? Spider-man-deadpool?  _ Spideypool _ , Matt decided.

Peter-but-also-Wade grabbed a syringe from the ground and wielded it like a dagger. Before Fisk could say anything, Wade plunged the bright blue syringe into Fisk’s pudgy neck. Fisk gasped, and his eyes rolled back into his head. His limbs began bulging, but not in a fat way. The fat transformed into muscle, and in less than a minute, Fisk was a hulk-like monster. WAde wasted no time on him and began stabbing him with the syringe, in his eyes, his stomach, and in his chest. Fisk roared and fell over in a puddle of his own blood. Wade panted and kept stabbing over and over and over until Fisk’s face was unrecognizable. He then approached the half-conscious scientist. Wade used Peter’s super strength to hold the remaining scientist by the throat, and slowly lift him into the air.

“Why us,” he said. The scientist whimpered.

“You have… opposite personalities,” he said, gasping for breath. “It would never work; you two would drive each other insane in less than three days before it… wore off. You would… go so crazy you couldn’t do anything but lay down and… die.” Wade tightened his grip around the man’s neck, and without realising it crushed his windpipe. He dropped the body to the ground and rounded on Matt.

“We’ve got to get Peter out of here. Call… Banner.” Wade gave Matt his phone and promptly passed out on the floor.

 

* * *

 

Wade groaned loudly, opening his eyes to find bright lights. Above him was Bruce Banner, who looked very concerned.

“Peter, how are you feeling?”

“Peter?” Wade questioned, “I ain’t Peter.”

From the corner of the room, Wade heard quiet laughter.

“I told you he wasn’t Peter,” Matt Murdock said. Bruce just looked more concerned.

“How long did he say this would last?” Bruce addressed Matt.

“Three days.”

“No permanent side effects?”

“I didn’t hear any mentioned.”

Bruce grunted his approval, and Wade sat up.

 

“Will someone please tell me what the  _ fuck _ is going on?”

“Well,” Bruce fiddled with a pen that had been behind his ear, “it seems that you, Wade,  and Peter have switched bodies. No strings attached. Just you in his body and him in yours.”

Wade ran a hand through his hair and gasped.  _ He had hair _ . He then proceeded to run his hands over almost every facial feature in wonderment. His skin was smooth and soft.

Wade stayed quiet for a second, expecting the voices to chime in, but they didn’t. Wade’s eyes widened. The voices weren’t there. That must mean Peter had them in his noggin.

_Oh shit what will he think of me now? He’ll think I’m insane!_ _He also is stuck with my skin and cancer and aaaaaahhhhhh!_

 

“So I’m him and he’s me?”

Bruce nodded.

“Nothing we can do about it, Pete-Wade. Sorry,” Bruce chuckled nervously, “you look like Peter.”

Wade smiled and then stared at Peter’s form on the bed next to him.

_ I wonder how he’s dealing with the voices? _

  
  
  
  
  


Peter opened his eyes, but then instantly shut him, as the light was too bright.

_ Where am I? _ He wondered.

{Well I don’t know where we are, but I could go for some damn mexican food}

[Amen]

Peter almost jumped, but remained still.

_ What the fuck? _ He thought.

{Oh sorry! I forgot to introduce us}

[We’re the voices in Wade’s head]

{I’m pretty sure he talked about us at some point}

Peter remembered Wade mentioning voices, but he never thought having voices in his head would feel this  _ real _ .

_ So,  _ Peter thought, _ what’s going on? I’m trying not to panic, but I really do need to know what’s happening. _

{Of course! Long story short, Fisk is dead, but he got you and Deadpool to swap bodies}

[So while he’s living it up in your perfect bod, you’re stuck with his fugly mug]

_ It isn’t _ that  _ bad. _

[You’ve gotta be a fucking  _ saint _ to think that]

Peter was roused from his thoughts by a loud  _ thud _ .

“Wade, are you okay?”

“My shirt fell, and I was in it!” came the response. Peter rolled to his other side and opened his eyes.

“Did you steal that from tumblr?” Peter asked.

Wade laughed, and Peter gasped. The boxes had briefed him on what was going on, but he didn’t fully realise that Wade was in his body until he saw him.

“Y...You’re me!” Peter stuttered. Wade nodded. Wait, no. Peter’s body nodded. Wait, that  _ was _ Wade.

“Hey Pete?”

“Mhm?” Peter responded absentmindedly.

“Are the boxes giving you a hard time?”

{Fuck you, Wade. We’re having the time of our lives}

[I’m… having the time of my liiiife]

Peter laughed.

“They’re enjoying themselves, and they aren’t bothering me much.”

[Atta boy]

Wade looked as if a great burden had been lifted from his shoulders.

 

“So,” Peter started, sitting up and facing Bruce, “How long will I be like this?”

“Three days.”

Peter simply nodded and stood up.

“Are we free to go?”

“Of course, but call em if anything weird happens,” Bruce responded.

“Thank you so much!”

“Anytime.”

 

Peter dragged Wade out of his ebd and they began to leave the Avengers tower.

  
  


“So,” Bruce started, “Wanna go out for lunch?”

“Why not,” Matt said. The two got up and walked downstairs, making small talk.  
  


* * *

 

“Hey Pete?”

“Yeah Wade?”

Wade and Peter were standing next to each other in the seemingly endless elevator ride to the ground floor of Stark tower.

“Is this gonna be awkward?”

“I mean,” Peter chuckled, “It already is.”

Wade laughed.

“Since I’m in your body, it wouldn’t be weird if I grabbed your ass!”

Peter facepalmed.

Wade grabbed his own ass.

“This is  _ very _ satisfying,” he declared. Peter couldn’t do much more than laugh, and soon enough the two were laughing so hard they had to hold on to the sides of the elevator to stay upright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know,, i know that was shitty but the next chapter will be much funnier.  
> if you feel so obliged, please comment what you thought, because that's how i become a better writer!  
> also if you have any plot ideas or writing prompts, please comment them and i'll do my best to replicate them.


	20. Obligatory (and shitty) Bodyswap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title pretty much says it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay okay this is shitty as fuck and is just terrible in general yeah i get it but its a filler and some real shit's gonna happen next chapter ;)

Wade swung through the air on a web, enjoying the cool air whipping past him. Peter, however, was not enjoying the ride.

“WADE PUT ME DOWN,” he screamed into the mercenary’s ear. Peter had agreed to loan him the suit as long as no one died in it. Wade gave Peter his suit under the condition that he didn’t ruin it. Wade’s mask smelled like gunpowder and leather, which was a nice smell until it was being blasted into your nose while you were swinging through the air under the arm of a mentally unstable mercenary.

 

Wade cackled, not listening to Peter’s cries, gripping him tighter. Peter was balanced under Wade’s right arm, and was on the verge of letting himself drop. He knew that he would regenerate, because seeing how Wade had his powers, he would have Wade’s. However, Peter wanted to save a confrontation with death until the last possible moment.

 

{Aw, come on. Lady Death isn’t _that_ bad}

[Not _that_ bad? She’s fucking hot]

Peter grimaced. The boxes had been fun, but they get annoying after a while.

“Will you guys shut up for _one_ minute? I’m fearing for my life here.”

{Nope}

[Never]

Peter sighed loudly. It was his second day in Wade’s body. For the first full day, Peter had slept until he heard a pained screeching coming from the bathroom. He threw on a pair of Wade’s boxers and stumbled into the bathroom.

Wade was holding a large white cat in the bathtub and trying to get the dirt out of it’s fur by rubbing water into the coat. The cat yowled, and Peter spoke up.

“Wade, what’s going on?”

Wade turned around and smiled. The cat took this as a perfect opportunity to leap from the bathtub and tear across the floor leaving a trail of wet cat prints in it’s wake. Peter watched the cat dash between his legs, and then looked back at Wade expectantly.

“Well, you see, I thought we should get a cat, so I did. You only live once, right?”

“You’re virtually immortal,” Peter deadpanned.

“Well, you’re only in Peter Parker’s body once.”

“And what does that have to do with anything?”

Wade scratched the back of his head.

“Well, Wade Winston Wilson sort of, kind of, maybe, totally isn’t legally allowed to buy a cat in the state of New York.”  
Peter put his hands on his hips and sighed dramatically. He knew there would be no talking Wade out of this, so he decided to make the best out of the situation.

“Keep the cat, just make sure it doesn’t shit everywhere.”

Wade clapped his hands together in glee.

“Do you have a name yet?” Peter asked.

“Cum.” Wade said simply. Peter almost fell over.

“Cum?” Wade laughed.

“Short for Cucumber.”

Peter sighed in relief.

“Why Cucumber?”

Wade shrugged.

“His smushy face looks a bit like that Binofdicks Cucumberbatch guy.”

Peter decided not to question Wade. He began to leave the room, but turned around.

“Wade?”

“Mhm?”

“I’m calling him Cucumber, and you can’t change that.”

“That’s fine, as long as you know his _true_ name.” Wade’s eyes flashed.

As Peter walked into the living room, Wade called after him

“Pete!”

“Yeah?”

“If he vomits on the carpet and it leaves a mark, is it a cum stain?”

Peter groaned and left the room, Wade laughing his ass off.

  
  
  


_Just one more day_ , he kept telling himself.

On the other hand, Wade was having the time of his life. He was enjoying being in Peter’s body so much. He was attractive, had hair and smooth skin, he could go out in public without being embarrassed, and there were no voices to bother him. The last one may not have been as nice as he had expected; it had gotten a bit lonely actually.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“DOWN!! WADE, PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN!!!”

Wade brushed that comment off as Peter being pissy, but two seconds later he slammed face-first into the side of his apartment building. He then proceeded to slide two feet down. Peter had taken most of the impact; he seemed to have a dislocated shoulder. Wade grabbed Peter and dropped to the ground.

 

“Pete, are you okay?”

Peter groaned as his shoulder popped back into place. Wade picked him up bridal-style and carried him inside.

“It seems that I didn’t pick up on your Spidey sense,” he said jokingly.

“Well I didn’t pick up on any pain immunity. This shit _hurts_.”

“Pete, I don’t have pain immunity.”

Through the mask, Wade could tell that Peter had the most surprised look on his face.

“So every bullet you take, you feel that?”

Wade nodded.

“How are you alive? The pain should have killed you!”

Wade grunted.

“I’ve got balls.”

Peter understood that Wade didn’t want to talk about it, and by then they had arrived back at their apartment. Wade unlocked the door and literally threw Peter onto the couch. Super strength could be used for saving people _or_ it could be used for throwing 200 pound men across the room and onto furniture with deadly accuracy.

Wade then made his way to the couch and sat next to Peter, taking his mask off. Everything was so much easier when he was regarded as a normal person, and he really felt good about himself, even if the skin he was wearing wasn’t his own.

Peter took his mask and gloves off too. His display of skin had surprised Wade. Wade had expected Peter to hide his skin much like Wade, but Peter purposefully did the opposite. Peter recognized how much Wade despised his skin, and Peter felt terrible about it.

{Why feel bad? Wade is a disastrous buttfuck with no good intention whatsoever. Trust me, I've been inside his head}

Peter purposefully ignored the voice. Peter knew that Wade was embarrassed and made it a point to show off as much skin as possible and radiate the feeling of ‘I am proud of my skin.’

[Why are you so damn fascinated with his fugly skin? All it does is rot away. You could find much a much better person to love, trust me. Pretty much any fish in the sea has better skin and a better personality than him.]

_It makes him unique_

{I mean, so is his healing factor, but you never say shit about that}

[He looks like a fucking hot glue gun art project gone wrong]

“Shut up,” Peter said out loud. That startled Wade out of his thoughts.

“You okay, Pete?”

“Yeah,” Peter sighed, “The boxes are real assholes to you about your appearance. Just ignore them. You look great,” he said casually. Wade raised an eyebrow. He had forgotten about those little monstrosities.

“Are they treating you okay?”

{We’re living it up in pretty boy's head!}

[At least his head has hair]

{OOOH GET REKT}

“They’re fine, but they shit-talk you a _lot._ ”

Wade cringed. “You get used to it.”

“No, you don’t. They’re really fucking rude to you, and you shouldn’t let them piss all over you.”

{Don’t worry, baby. We aren’t into that}

[Unless you are ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

{How the fuck did you say that}

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

 

Wade cast his gaze downwards.

“Wade, seriously,” Peter said, grabbing Wade’s chin and forcing him to make eye contact, “You’re beautiful. I mean seriously, you’re fucking hot. Don’t deny it. You’re unique and I love that about you. Now, no matter what those rectangular fucks say about you, you are amazing. I love you.”

 

{He must be delusional}

[I know, right?]

Wade’s eyes glistened.

“I would totally kiss you, but that would be really weird.”

Peter laughed nervously and released his face.

“Agreed.”

“So,” Peter started, “Wanna watch a movie?”

Wade shrugged.

“I mean, what else can we do?”

“We fucking better watch the lion king.”

“No argument here.”

 

Two hours and plenty of pussy jokes later, Wade and Peter were half-asleep on the couch together, with Peter snuggled up in Wade’s arms. Wade felt Peter fall asleep, he felt his breathing slow and the tension drain from his body. Wade liked moments like these. Moments when the world was quiet and all he could hear was Peter’s breathing. It grounded him in some weird way.

All of a sudden, Wade thought of something.

“I love you, Peter,” Wade whispered in his ear. A smile slowly crept across the younger man’s face.

“I love you too Wade.”

Wade smiled.

 

The two of them lay intertwined until the sun rose and they found themselves back in their former bodies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey thanks for reading!  
> if you have any ideas or prompts for this fic, feel free to comment them!


	21. (I've had) The Time of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade and Peter attend an Avengers movie night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaa i think this is the best chapter yet i love it so fucking much and i hope you do too!!!

“Are you ready?” Wade asked, his voice low and gravelly, “There’s no going back after this.”

Peter nodded solemnly.

“I understand.”

“Then let’s begin.”

 

Wade put the sorting hat on Peter’s head, and then clamped a hand over his mouth.

 

“RAVENCLAW,” he declared loudly, acting as if it wasn’t him talking.

“Wade, I know that’s you talking,” Peter chided.

“No it wasn’t!” Wade insisted, “It was the hat.”

Peter smiled.

“Well, if the hat declared that I’m in ravenclaw, you  _ better _ be in gryffindor.”

Wade stuck out his chin.

“And why would I be in that house of do-gooders and redheads? That’s literally the exact opposite of my personality”

“Harry Potter has the same impulsive spirit as you.”

“Daniel Radcliffe is fucking  _ HOT! _ ”

“He was a gryffindor,” Peter said, ignoring Wade’s comment.

“Yeah, but I don’t have the dashing looks for that.”

“Of course you do!”

{Peter being nice to us? Well that’s  _ totally _ unused material}

[Been there, done that]

{Correction: We  _ want _ to do it}

[We want to do  _ him _ . Don’t objectify Petey]

 

Peter sighed impatiently.

“We have twenty minutes to be in costume and at the Avengers tower for movie night. Now, no matter how much I enjoy a good Harry Potter house debate, I’d much prefer we leave the apartment so we can be on time.”

[Understandable have a great day]

{Understandable have a  _ nice _ day}

[Fight me]

{I will}

[Square up, bitch]

{Get it? Because we’re squares?}

[We’re rectangles]

{I came here to have a good time and honestly I feel so attacked}

 

Wade grumbled.

“Can we at least try to sort Cum?”

{Best cat name EVERRR}

“No, Wade. Put  _ Cucumber _ in a hogwarts house later. We have to go.”

 

Wade dejectedly removed the sorting hat from Peter’s head and walked towards his bedroom.

“Petey, you realise that even if you’re on a first-name basis with them, they do know what you look like. You don’t need a suit.”

“You forgot about the commute.”

Wade sighed.

“I’ll be ready in five,” he shouted over his shoulder.

“No weapons!” Peter reminded him. Wade groaned.

“No weapons, you’ve got it.”

 

* * *

 

Due to wardrobe malfunctions (aka Peter having to take every single weapon off of Wade’s person while Wade kept telling Peter he shouldn’t be the only one stripping), it took ten minutes before the duo found themselves swinging through the city, on their way to Stark tower. Deadpool whooped and hollered while clinging to Spider-man’s back. Spidey loved how happy this made Wade, but having a screaming 200 pound man with the maturity level that stoops to potty jokes at times was a bit difficult.

Once they were fifty yards from the tower, Spidey spoke.

“Formation number two.”

Spidey and Deadpool had been experimenting with how to get into tight places. Some of their methods included Wade using Peter’s webshooters as the hero clung to the building, but this specific one was more brute strength-oriented.

Spidey shot a web to the top of the tower and the swung towards the glass as fast as possible. Deadpool wrapped himself around the younger man’s body, and they smashed through the window. Shards of glass embedded themselves in Wade’s back, but Peter was quick to remove them. Wade healed faster when the offending object wasn’t in his body, and Peter wanted Wade to suffer as little as possible.

The duo lay there for a moment, Wade’s back healing as Peter clutched the shards of bloody glass. An alarm sounded, and after a few moments Natasha Romanoff was towering over the two intertwined men.

“Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior jesus christ?” Wade asked.

Peter laughed and Natasha rolled her eyes.

“Get up,” she said. Peter and Wade untangled and stood up, groaning and stretching. Natasha then walked off at a brisk pace, the two men having to jog to keep up.

  
  


Soon enough they arrived at the in-house movie theatre. It seated about twenty people and was full of plush couches, pillows, and exotic rugs. It had a small bar in the back, and Thor seemed to have taken full advantage of it, seeing how he was passed out and snoring there, with a large mug of beer still in his hand. The screen took up most of the wall, and speakers lined the others. Peter marveled at the theatre. He had been to Stark tower quite a few times, but he’d never had the time to fully appreciate the architecture and interior decorating. A few people were seated: Natasha was talking quietly with Clint in the front row, Tony was being his normal asshole self and talking up the whole second row, Steve and Bucky sat together in the third row with Bruce taking a nap next to them, and Wade and Peter took up the back row. 

Peter rolled his mask up to his nose, hesitated for a second, then pulled the whole thing off and looked at Wade expectantly.

“If I can take mask off, you can at least roll yours up a bit.”

“Do I  _ have _ to?”

Peter nodded, and Wade groaned. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to say no the the younger man, so he rolled up his mask.

“Happy?”

“Yep,” Peter responding. Peter and Wade stared at eachother for a moment, but the moment didn’t last long, as Steve cleared his throat and stood on his couch to get everyone's attention.

 

“So,” Steve said loudly, addressing everyone in the theatre. This noise woke Bruce up from his nap, and for a moment his skin turned green, but then turned back to it’s normal pale hue when he saw it was Steve.

“Tony is trying to get Bucky and me back into the modern world, so he wants a new movie. Any bright ideas?”

“Fifty shades of grey!” shouted Clint. Natasha face-palmed. Bucky snorted loudly. Steve looked at Tony for approval, but Tony shook his head no.

“Any other ideas? Literally  _ anything _ else,” Tony said.

“Brokeback Mountain?” Wade suggested. Clint held back a laugh, and Tony glared at Wade.

Steve looked confused, so Bucky whispered “Gay cowboys” to him. Steve’s face turned red, and he shook his head.

“Dirty Dancing?” Peter said. Tony thought for a second, and then nodded.

“I’ve had the time of my liiiife,” Wade sang quietly into Peter’s ear. Peter laughed.

Tony narrowed his eyes.

“Why are you two snuggling up to each other?”

Wade and Peter shrugged in unison.

Tony rolled his eyes.

“JARVIS, play Dirty Dancing.”

“Yes, sir,” responded the automated voice. All of a sudden, the screen lit up and music began to play. 

 

The first hour and a half of the movie was entertaining, but after a while Wade grew bored. Steve and Bucky had fallen asleep on eachother, and Bruce and Thor were still unconscious. About an hour in, Tony had left, so the theatre was pretty much silent, not including the movie.

  
  


Wade was becoming less and less interested in the movie, so he resorted to casting sidelong glances at Peter, hoping that he would notice. Peter did notice, but he decided to keep watching the movie, at least until Wade pulled him into his lap.

Peter did all that he could to stay composed.

_ You’re in front of the goddamn Avengers, don’t mess up your reputation _ .

Peter did his best to keep watching the movie, but Wade was determined.

Wade leaned forward and started pressing small kisses into Peter's neck. He occasionally gave the soft skin a nip, which sent shivers down Peter’s spine.

Peter looked around the room and saw everyone else was asleep, or in Tony’s case, not present.

_ Fuck it. _

Peter turned around on Wade’s lap, and kissed him .

Wade did nothing for a second, completely surprised, but then regained his composure and kissed him back.

For a moment it was shy, as if it was their first kiss once again, but then became more passionate once their tongues met. Peter looped his arms around Wade’s neck and pulled him in closer. Wade snuck a hand underneath Peter’s shirt, and Peter shivered at the rough fabric of Wade’s glove. Two of the gloved fingers found his right nipple and pinched. Peter yelped into Wade’s mouth , which made Wade smile into the kiss.

The kiss was slowly taking away every sense in Peter’s body; Wade’s lips were chapped but also soft. Wade brought his hand to Peter’s other nipple and began playing with it.

Then, all of a sudden, the door to the theatre opened and Tony Stark strode in. He looked at his sleeping teammates, and then directly at Peter and Wade, who hadn’t noticed him enter. 

Tony raised an eyebrow; with Wade’s broad figure blocking Peter, he thought they were hugging or some shit. Then he heard Peter moan.

“WHAT THE FUCK,” Tony screamed, effectively walking everyone up and jolting Wade and Peter. Everyone turned to Tony, who was looking at the couple in utter horror.

“You… and him...” he said weakly. Peter grinned. He knew Tony. Tony had absolutely no filter, and would start spewing shit about Wade’s skin the first opportunity he got. Peter made sure Tony wouldn’t see Wade’s skin by securing his lips over Wade’s once again. 

Tony put a hand over his mouth and left the room. Peter let go of Wade and smiled at him. Wade responded with an equally bright beam. Clint wolf whistled, Steve and Bucky smiled (Well, Steve smiled. Bucky  _ never _ smiles), Bruce shrugged it off, Natasha feigned disinterest, even though Wade could see the entertained glimmer in her eyes, and Thor stayed asleep at the bar.

{Does he do much else?}

[Besides hunt down Loki? I don’t think so]

Wade stood up and bowed. Clint began applauding enthusiastically, and Wade grabbed Peter’s hand, hauling him up. All of a sudden, Wade had an idea.

{Well that’s a new concept}

[Pfft]

 

“Peter,” he said slowly, “walk down the aisle towards the screen, wouldja?”

Peter thought it was a strange suggestion, but complied. All of a sudden, he knew what Wade wanted to do.    
Wade recognized the spark in Peter’s eyes, and knew he wouldn’t have to say anything else. Clint, bruce, Steve, Bucky, and Natasha watched in slight confusion as Peter stood in front of the screen. It took a moment for the audio to catch up, but Peter knew what to do.

 

_ “I’ve had the time of my life” _

 

All of a sudden, Peter ran at Wade as fast as he could. Wade put his arms out in front of him and caught Peter, who then put his arms out as he was lifted into the air.

Bruce smiled as Clint whooped and hollered. Steve looked confused, but then looked at the movie screen behind them and chuckled. And Bucky- _ was that a smile on his face?- _ seemed to be enjoying the show. As Wade spun around, his hands still firmly grasping Peter’s waist, Tony walked in. He looked up at Peter and Wade, and dropped his steaming coffee on his feet.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?” Tony shouted as he stormed out of the room for the second time that night. Everyone laughed at that, and Wade lowered Peter.

“You okay?” Wade whispered in the younger man’s ear. Peter nodded and smiled at Wade.

“We should be going,” Wade said loudly, “Night, everyone.”

Everyone wished them a goodnight, and this time Wade and Peter decided to give Tony a break by not smashing any more windows and taking the elevator down. The poor man had suffered enough, he didn’t need any more shit.

  
  


The second they got home, Wade and Peter pried off their suits and changed into more comfortable clothing. Wade was about to go back to his room, when-

“Hey Wade?”

Wade turned around to see Peter in an oversized tee and flannel pyjama pants.

“What’s up?”

“Can I sleep with you tonight?”

Wade’s heart melted at the sight.

“Of course, of course.”

Wade ushered Peter to his bed and under the covers. He watched the younger man get comfortable, and then slid under the covers next to him. Peter rested his head on Wade’s chest, and Wade’s hand instinctively wrapped around Peter’s back. Soon enough, Peter was asleep. Wade took a deep breath and nuzzled his chin into Peter’s hair. Wade didn’t know what he did to deserve Peter, but he knew that he loved the younger man with all of his heart.

“I love you,” Wade whispered into Peter’s hair. There was no response, but a smile crept across Wade’s face anyway. 

Right before Wade fell asleep, he decided that he needed to save Peter. Whether it was from his fears or his enemies, Wade would protect him with whatever he had. Wade loved Peter, and Peter loved him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as i loved writing it! please leave kudos if you liked it, and comment what you thought!  
> also if youre a fucking nerd like me, comment your hogwarts house, and what you think wade and peter's houses are! mine is slytherin


	22. Wow, a plot for once!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade is forced to talk to Tony after a problem with Peter arises
> 
> aLSO THANKS SO MUCH FOR 15,000+ HITS IN LIKE A MONTH I LOVE YOU GUYS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! sorry that it's been a while since i've updated. i'm busy n shit  
> happy new year to my fellow jewish people out there!  
> if someone wants to do art for this fic it would be so fuckin amazing contact me at my tumblr: not-wade-wilson

When Peter woke up, the first thing that he noticed was that Wade’s arms weren’t wrapped around him. The second thing that he noticed was the immeasurable pain in his left arm. Peter screamed, opening his eyes. Instead of finding himself on Wade’s bed, Peter was in a clean white room, strapped down to a bed. A leather strap bound his head to the bed, so he was stuck using his peripheral vision to determine where he was. Machines lined the walls, some with sharp blades and others with blunt points. That didn’t seem like torture devices-more like medical equipment. Peter gulped, his adam's apple bobbing. A heart monitor was on the wall behind him, beeping steadily. A few IV’s were in his left arm, one with a striking light blue liquid. Peter recognized it as the shit the guy a few weeks ago injected himself with. Peter craned his neck, trying to read what was on the IV bag, but his movement was very limited. He was clad in a medical gown, and a thin sheet separated him from the cold air.  All of a sudden, the pain in his arm began stabbing at him, and he screamed. 

Peter heard chuckling, and then a man entered his line of vision.

 

He had high cheekbones, perfectly combed dark brown hair and a strong jawline. His expression looked disappointed, almost scolding, but then he smiled.

“Mr. Parker, it’s a delight to have you here.”

Peter struggled against his bonds.

“Who are you?”

The man chuckled.

“I’m Grant Ward.”

“The HYDRA agent? I thought HIVE killed you?”

“No, I gave up on HYDRA. Weapon X has a much brighter future.”

Peter gasped. Wade had told him the vague details about Weapon X, but no specifics. All that Peter knew was that they were a bunch of pretentious assholes with a tendency to torture people while turning them into mutants.

Grant noticed Peter’s look of fear, and spoke up.

“I see that your little  _ fuckbuddy _ Wade has told you about us.”

Peter gritted his teeth, and Grant raised an eyebrow.

“Have you two not fucked? I’ve been told that Wade had a fucking  _ monstrously _ large cock. Sad you won’t see it,” he simpered. Peter blushed, but then the blood in his face began to boil in rage.

“I’m already some sort of mutant, so what are you gonna do?”

“Well,” Grant began, “Ajax was the only one who actually wanted to work with discovering mutations-”    
Peter snorted.   
“Francis?”

Grant ignored his comment and continued.

“We don’t want to uncover mutations. We want the inner passions to be discovered. You’re desires hidden so deep, not even you know what they are. If a petty criminal took our serum, he would have what he most desired. He might think that he wants super strength, but instead he unconsciously wants revenge on the man who killed his parents. Then nothing can stop him from killing that man.”

Peter grimaced at the mention of dead parents.

“And what about when they finish the act?”

“The serum leaves their bloodstream, and they do one of two things. Either they live, or they die. That’s why we need to experiment.”

Grant looked at Peter to see if he was intrigued, and was slightly disappointed when Peter looked emotionless, so he just kept talking.

“We injected Wade with the serum, but he remained unaffected. We think that mutants remain unaffected, but that might have been Wade’s healing factor rejecting it. So that’s why you’re here. Mutant test number two.”

Grant leaned over Peter and began untying a knot in the blue serum IV bag.

“RIght now, I’m undoing the knot. Soon enough, you’ll be filled with this shit, and if it works, we’ll free you. If not, we’ll just try, try again.”

Grant finished with the IV bag and then stood over Peter once again. Peter could feel the cold liquid drip into his veins and course through his body. He took one last breath of air before passing out.

 

* * *

  
  
Wade woke up cold and alone. He was used to that; the one night stand leaving early, but this was Peter. He wouldn’t have woken up for another two hours, the kid was always so damn tired. Wade leapt out of bed and walked to Peter’s room and knocked on Peter’s door, calling his name. When no response came, Wade began to worry. He opened the door, and found the bed empty. 

{He ran away}

[He hates us]

“Why, though? I thought he really enjoyed last night!”

[May taught him good manners]

{If you hate someone, don’t tell them. Just leave}

[If I could, I would have left your head a long time ago]

 

Wade grumbled, and decided to ignore the voices. He called Peter’s phone, and he heard it ringing on Peter’s nightstand. The techy kid would never leave home without his phone, and Wade became more and more concerned. Everything in the house seemed to be exactly how he left it. His suit was hanging in his closet. Wade felt a cold wind, then walked to the window in the living room. It was partway open, curtains flowing in the wind. 

“Peter has  _ never _ used that window to get out. Especially without his suit. He must have been taken.”

{Doubtful}

[I bet he faked his own kidnapping to get away from us]

{Makes sense}

After a lot of pacing and debating, he made a phone call to one of his least favorite people on earth.

 

“Tony? It’s Wade. We need to talk about Peter.”

  


 

 

Tony leaned back in his chair, massaging his temples with his hands as Wade paced back and forth in front of him. Steve stood behind Tony, his hands clamped over the back of the chair.

“So you’re saying that Peter was kidnapped? And this isn’t some stupid prank of yours?”

Wade threw his hands in the air.

“Why would I joke about Peter being in danger?” Wade exclaimed. Tony shrugged.

“You haven’t been completely honest with me in the past. If you can prove it, of course I’ll help you find him.”

Wade sighed and sat on the table in front of Tony, his legs dangling off the side.

“That’s the problem, Iron-dildo.” Tony bristled at the name, but Wade continued. 

“I can’t prove it- I need you to check traffic cams around our apartment.”

Tony raised an eyebrow.

“That means telling me where you live.”

Wade nodded, eyes downcast.

“As long as we can make sure Peter is safe,  _ and _ that you promise that you won’t tell SHIELD where we live, sure.”

Tony knew that Wade wasn’t fucking around when he told people where he lived; there were a lot of people out there who would kill for Wade’s house address. Literally.

 

After accessing the traffic cameras, Wade was able to find Peter being taken out of their living room window. Tony would have apologized to Wade for underestimating him, but Tony wasn’t someone to apologize, so instead he just grunted.

 

Wade began pacing again. 

“We need to find him. Can you access traffic cams to find where they took him?”

Tony shook his head.

“SHIELD will be suspecting that I hacked through their cams, and poking around any more will trigger alarms, and we don’t want to have to deal with those people. Coulson is a nice guy, but you don’t wanna fuck with him when he’s angry.”

“Would he rather be relaxing on a beach than be dealing with us? I think that he would love to visit Tahiti. It’s such a magical place!” Wade said, a cruel grin on his face. Tony groaned.

“Seriously, Wade. You’ll just have to poke through the apartment some more for clues.”

Wade nodded sadly.

“Thanks anyway, Iron-shit.”

Tony rolled his eyes and waved Wade out of the room. 

While finding his way back to the elevator, Wade passed by Bucky and Kira.

“Kira!” Wade shouted, rushing towards the young girl. Kira smiled.

“Wade!”

The two hugged, and Bucky stood up room where he had been kneeling. When the hug broke up, Bucky nodded at Wade, who straightened his back and saluted. He then cast his gaze back down to Kira.

“Is Spidey here?”

Wade’s eyes darkened.

“Not right now. He’s a bit lost, and I’m working to find him.”

Kira nodded knowingly.

“Well, I’ve gotta go. Great seeing you, Kira!”

Kira waved after Wade as he left.

 

* * *

 

Peter’s eyes snapped open. His vision was slightly redder than usual, and he was sleeping on a curb. He didn’t know how he got there, but a single thought resonated through his mind. It ignored his natural instinct to call the police for help or to call the Avengers. Instead, the two words kept echoing around, driving him insane.

_ Need Wade. Need Wade. Need Wade. Need Wade.  _

The quiet pulse of the words grew louder and louder the longer he stayed conscious. The singular thing he could remember was Grant Ward’s face looming over him, telling him that he would find what he most desired.

_ NEED WADE. NEED WADE. NEED WADE. _

 

**_NEED WADE._ **

 

* * *

 

Wade reclined on the couch, a cool washcloth over his tired eyes. He had searched every warehouse that he knew of in the city, and then every place that he and Peter had rendezvoused at. He was tired, but didn’t plan on giving up.

{We need out Petey!}

[But does he need us??]

{Damn}

 

All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door. Wade sat up quickly, the wet towel flying off of his face and landing on the floor next to him with a wet  _ slap _ . Wade looked through the peephole in the door to find Peter. Wade almost screamed in joy.

Wade nearly tore the door off it’s hinges as he opened it for Peter. 

It was Peter standing in the door, but he looked different. His cheeks were more hollow, his eyes slightly sunken in. His irises had shifted from their normal chocolate-brown color to a bright red. Before Wade could ask what happened, Peter was on top of Wade, slamming him into the hardwood floor and grinding his clothed crotch on Wade’s leg.

_ “Need Wade, need Wade,” _ he repeated, as if it was a mantra.

_ “Need Wade, **NEED WADE!** ” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! ik ik, it's weird, but it'll make more sense as the plot goes on.  
> comment what you thought and where i can improve, and leave kudos if you feel like it!!


	23. Need Wade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bizarro Peter shows up at Wade's doorstep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! so sorry that i havent posted in a week. life is stressful, and writer's block is hard to get over. as you might have seen, this is the second to last chapter. it's a bit longer than normal, and i plan to make the next chapter around 5k words or longer. i plan to make the next chapter reeeally fluffy, so please put prompts or ideas in the comments and i'll do my best to fulfill your wishes

Peter stood in the doorway.

_ “Need Wade, Need Wade, Need Wade,”  _ Peter murmured. He looked different; his eyes were a bright red rather than the usual brown, and his face was more sunken and hollow. Wade only had a moment to gaze at the hero’s features before Peter knocked him onto the ground, pinning his arms above his head.

 

_ “Need you,” _ Peter said quietly, slithering up Wade’s body and taking his earlobe between his teeth. Wade cringed.

 

[The fuck is going on?]

{I don’t know, but Peter needs us}

 

“Pete,” Wade stammered out, “What’s going on?”

Peter began grinding his crotch on Wade’s leg, and didn’t respond to Wade’s question.   
“Peter?” Wade asked again. Peter seemed to be growing impatient, and he pinched Wade’s right nipple. Hard. Wade instantly regretted not wearing a shirt, as Peter secured his mouth around the flesh and began sucking. Wade grunted, and Peter let go of the abused nub and look at Wade.

_ “Do you not enjoy this?”  _ Peter asked, tilting his head to one side in an exaggerated movement.

_ “I thought this is what you want _ , _ ” _ he said. Wade shook his head.

“Petey, this isn’t you-”

_ “I want this,” _ Peter growled. Peter stroked Wade’s jaw, and Wade flinched.

“Petey, I don’t know what’s up with you, but… sorry.”

Peter stopped what he was doing in confusion. Wade reached into his sweatpants and retrieved a tranquilizer gun from his thigh holster

{Is that a gun in your pants?}

[We have a gun  _ and _ a boner]

{I think the is the fucking worst time to get a boner}

Wade unloaded the gun, Peter still sitting on him. Once Peter realised what Wade was doing, he reached out to swat the dart out of Wade’s hand, but Wade was able to plant the dart in the side of Peter’s neck quicker.. The boy writhed for a moment, and then lay still. Wade sighed as the younger man’s red eyes closed, and then pulled out his phone.

“Tony? Yeah, it’s Wade again. I found Peter, but something’s up. Mind if I bring him in? Thanks.”   
  


 

* * *

  
  


For the second time that day, Wade found himself standing in the medical bay of Stark tower. Bruce Banner stood above Peter, opening his limp eyelids and shining lights into them.Wade looked at Peter sadly over his shoulder as Tony spoke to him.

“Wade? Are you listening?” Tony inquired, slightly annoyed. Wade looked back at Tony with sad eyes, and Tony realised he was being too harsh, and softened his voice.

{Tony STark? Being  _ harsh _ ?}

[How totally unexpected]

“Wade, do you know what happened?”

Wade cast his gaze downwards and shook his head.

“He just showed up at our apartment and knocked me over. He wasn’t himself. Then he started-”

Wade’s words failed him, and Tony gave him an awkward but sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

“Did he say anything?”

“Mhm,” Wade mumbled, looking at Tony’s brightly polished shoes.

“He kept saying  _ ‘Need Wade, Need Wade, Need  Wade’  _ in a voice that didn’t sound like.. Him? If that makes any sense.” Wade scratched the back of his neck, and Tony stood up straight, and then made his way to the nearest large interface screen.

“JARVIS,” Tony said, “Please bring up file 4850.”

“Yes, sir,” the automated voice responded.The interface began to shift through files until one picture stood out from the rest. Tony turned to Wade.

“Do you recognize this?”

Wade stared at the image. It was of a bright blue liquid in an IV bag. Wade perked up.

“A few weeks ago when Peter and I were stuck in a warehouse together. I was injected with some shit like that. It made the voices go haywire, they kept talking about Peter and how I needed him with crazy urgency. After a while they shut up, and I think my healing factor got it out of my system.”

Tony raised an eyebrow.

“Is it possible Peter was injected with it? His blood tests came back a bit weird.”

Wade nodded slowly.

“If he was injected with that, the whole ‘Need Wade’ shpiel would make a bit more sense.”

“Can we test your blood? There might still be some of the liquid in there, and if there is we can confirm that it was the same thing that Peter had.”

 

{Nope. I’m not letting us go near medical shit}

[But it’s for Peter]

{Nope}

[If he dies, then it’ll be necrophilia, and that shit’s fucked up]

{Good point}

 

Wade reluctantly nodded.

“You can do a blood test on me,” he said quietly. Tony was surprised at his rather sudden change in tone, but got out the equipment and had Bruce take a sample.

It hadn’t been as bad as Wade thought it would be, but he still didn’t enjoy it. The only thing that kept him from ripping the needle out was the voices constantly reminding him that it was for Peter.

 

 

Wade sat on the couch in the Avengers lounge. The room was empty besides for him and Natasha, who was sharpening a knife and looked like she didn’t want to be bothered. Wade fidgeted nervously,awaiting the blood sample results. Bruce and Tony had kicked him out of the lab because he had began twirling his katanas in an attempt to keep himself occupied, however he ended up smashing two beakers and almost smashing one of the JARVIS interfaces.

 

Tony entered the lounge and cleared his throat, making Wade look up. 

“Results are back.”

“And?” Wade prompted.

“Your and Peter’s blood are both very similar. They both contain a substance that has been used for partial control over someone’s body. However, when it is used for that purpose, it has nanites in it to instruct the body what to do. Your blood has no nanites, so I can only assume that the serum is letting the body take control of itself. Long story short, your body controls itself and you can’t do anything to stop it.”

Wade tried to wrap his head around the load of information that had just been thrown at him.

“So it’s like your body is self aware? Your desires and shit begin to emerge?”

Tony thought for a moment, and then nodded his head.

“How long until it’s out of the boy’s bloodstream?”

Wade and Tony whipped around to look at Natasha, who shrugged.

“What? You two talk loudly,” she said, focusing on her nails.

“It’ll be about three days.”

Wade groaned.

“Three days? Will Pete be okay?”

Tony nodded.

“He’ll be fine. We just have to wait out the next three days. Bruce plans to let him rest for what remains of today, but we want to question him tomorrow. Need I remind you; we still have absolutely no idea who or what did this. Do you remember any names or something from when you were injected?”

Wade shrugged.

“The serum seemed like something Weapon X would think of, but the whole snatch-n-dash method they did with Peter seemed very un-Francis. Plus, I stabbed that guy.”

“Maybe a new Weapon X?”

Wade shrugged again, and Tony looked at his watch.

“Wade, it’s getting late. You should go to sleep. I get if you don’t want to go home, but please don’t break anything else.”

Wade saluted.

“Yes sir!”

Tony sighed and left as Wade laid back down on the couch. He covered himself in a layer of pillows to keep warm, and glared at Natasha when she gave him a questioning look.

“Fight me, bitch.”

“Oh, I will,” Natasha said airily. She then got up and left, leaving Wade completely alone.

 

Wade shivered, even though the room was a comfortable temperature. He knew that what was going on with Peter wasn’t a good thing, and just had to hope it didn’t affect their relationship in the future.

 

{Are you fucking kidding me? This is the best thing ever! He actually wants us}

_ But it isn't _ him _ who wants us _

[Tomato, tomato. Take what you can get]

{It might be your last chance with him}

Wade groaned loudly and pulled a pillow over his head, trying to silence the voices. They continued talking. The mercenary spent that night crying quietly on the couch, hoping that the voices would stop and hoping that Peter would be okay.

 

* * *

  
  


Wade woke up to a friendly bucket of ice water in the face.

“What the fuck,” he sputtered, wiping the water out of his eyes. In front of him stood a content Natasha.

“Morning, sunshine,” she said, dumping the rest of the water on Wade. Wade screeched indignantly, and then flipped Natasha off.

“Get up,” she said lightly kicking him in the shin, “Peter’s awake.”

At the mention of Peter, Wade got up quickly and ran to the labs.

 

Wade slammed the door to the labs open. He thought he heard glass break, but no one else noticed because he was the only one in the room. Plus, Peter was awake.

“Pete!” he shouted, running over to the boy. Peter’s eyes were closed, and he showed no sign of consciousness.

“Pete?”

All of a sudden, Peter’s eyes opened. Once again they were red and emotionless.

_ “Wade,” _ Peter rasped, his voice dryer than normal.

“What’s up, baby boy? Need water? Anything?” Wade began to babble nervously. He knew this Peter wasn’t his normal Peter, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t take care of him. All of a sudden, Peter’s voice lost its rasp, however his eyes stayed the same hue.

“I need you. Wade. I need Wade,” he said, growing more and more desperate. He began bucking his hips frantically, and Wade’s eyes widened when he realised what Peter wanted.

“You want  _ me _ ?”

Peter nodded. 

“Wade Whatever Wilson I need you  _ right fucking now. _ ”

 

{This isn’t him, it’s the serum}

[This is him. The serum brings out your desires]

_ So he really wants us? _

[Apparently]

{But it isn’t really him! We can’t do this!}

  
  


Wade put his head in his hands.

“Pete, I’m sorry,” his voice broke, “I can’t do this. This isn’t you.”

“Fucking cocktease,” Peter snarled. Wade didn’t look up.

“This whole time you’ve been baiting me, telling me you want me, but now you don’t? What the fuck is wrong with you. Did those flirts and ass-related tidbits mean  _ nothing _ ? What kind of asshole do you have to be to do something like that-”

Wade grabbed Peter’s face and kissed him.

Peter and Wade had kissed countless time, but this kiss wasn’t like their chaste kisses in public or even their long, passionate kisses late at night. This one was hungry, a kiss trying to make up for the space between them. Peter’s hands instinctively went around Wade’s neck, deepening the kiss. Peter sucked Wade’s tongue into his mouth ran his own alongside it and hummed. Wade pulled away, his tongue lingering in Peter’s mouth for a second.

Peter tried to lean back up to meet Wade’s lips, but when Wade just leaned away more, he groaned.

“Pete,” Wade said, slightly breathless, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. This isn’t you.”

When he saw Peter’s hurt expression, Wade looked downwards.

“Why are you here?” Peter asked. Wade looked back up, surprised by the sudden malice in Peter’s voice.

“I… I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m okay. See? Now that you know that I’m fine, why are you here? Are you here to tease me? Because that’s all that you’ve done.”

Wade grimaced, and Peter continued.

“If you aren’t here to give me a hand, then get the fuck out.”

 

{Oh how the tables have tabled}

[Look who wants who as a fuckbuddy now]

 

Wade sighed and got up. He gave Peter one last sad look over his shoulder, and then walked out.   
  
  


 

“How’d it go?”

Wade took a deep breath and looked up at Tony.

“Do you want me to be honest?”

Tony shrugged.

“Well, for starters, Peter wanted to fuck.”

Tony’s eyes widened, and Wade continued.

“When I said no, he freaked out so I kissed him. When I let go, he cursed me out saying that I was useless and other shit, so I left.”

Tony nodded sympathetically.

[Hey, maybe he  _ isn’t _ a complete asshole]

{Have you not seen Captain America: Civil War?}

[I take that back]

 

“Well,” Tony started, “Bruce and I think that maybe a blood transfer would get that shit out of his system sooner.”

“Do you have any blood?”

Tony nodded.

“We lose so much blood in battles sometimes that we just have a mini bloodbank.”

Wade made a mental note to visit the tower after he gets into fights.

“Is there any blood in Peter’s size?”

“Do you mean blood type?”

“...Sure.”

Tony sighed.

“Yes, we do. Since we don’t have any family contact information and his thought process is somewhat impaired, I’m asking you if we should do this.”

“Yes, anything for Peter.”

Tony stood up and clapped his hands together.

“JARVIS, please tell Doctor Banner to get his shit together because Wade said yes to the blood transfer.”

“Yes, sir,” the automated voice responded.

 

Wade stood up awkwardly, resting his hands on the back of his chair. Tony seemed distracted by his phone, so Wade cleared his throat and Tony looked up.

“What?” Tony asked, slightly annoyed.

“Can I go?”

“Yep. We’ll have Peter safely home by tomorrow.”

Wade nodded.

“So you aren’t going to stay for him?” Tony questioned.

“I can’t.” Wade said simply. “It wouldn’t be good for either of us right now.”

Tony gave Wade an understanding look, and then left, leaving the mercenary alone.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Wade twirled the butterfly knife around, using the mesmerizing movements to distract him from the impending threat of Peter coming home.

 

{Will he treat us the same?}

[Will he remember what happened?]

{Find out next time}

_ SHUT THE FUCK UP _

 

Wade flipped the knife around faster, trying to ignore the voices. Then, all of a sudden, the doorbell rang. Wade stood up and flubled with the knife, managing to cut the tips of his fingers. He cursed quietly under his breath, and then ran to the door. To avoid what happened last time he answered it, he looked through the peephole. Outside stood Peter, his eyes restored to their normal brown. He fidgeted with the sleeve of the oversized shirt Tony had given him.

[Good to know we aren’t the only nervous ones]

Wade opened the door.

“Hey, Pete,” he said quietly. Peter looked up at him and smiled nervously.

“Hey, Wade.”

The two stood awkwardly in the doorway for a moment until Wade jolted upright and welcomed Peter in. The two sat next to each other on the couch, both not wanting to talk about what had happened but also wanting to get it off their chests.

“Do you remember what happened?”

Peter looked up at Wade.

“I don’t remember anything, but Tony filled me in.”

“Oh.”

They sat in silence for a moment.

“You did the right thing.”

Wade looked up at Peter curiously.

“Seriously?”

“Mhm. Seriously.”

Wade nodded. They sat in silence for another short moment until Wade started rambling.

“Shit, Petey. I’m sorry. I know you think I did the right thing, but I had no idea what I was doing and I was so afraid I was gonna hurt you, and you could have died, and I almost took advantage of you, and-”

Peter cut Wade off by pulling him into a short, chaste kiss. When they parted, Peter look at Wade in the eyes.

“Wade, you did just the right thing, and anything you or I did is in the past. I bet I did some pretty weird shit too, so let’s just forgive eachother and get over it.”

[Well that was easier than I expected]

Wade smiled at Peter and pulled him into a hug. Peter grinned and hugged Wade tight, not wanting to let go.

“I love you, Pete.” Wade said into Peter’s hair. Peter let out a quiet laugh.

“I love you too, Wade”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! next chapter is gonna be 5k+ words of fluff, so please leave fluffy prompts and ideas or whatever in the comments!


	24. gay love can save the day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!  
> Peter and Wade go on a date day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHH  
> so this is the last chapter, and its about 5.5k words. i worked pretty hard on it, so i hope you like it. ive spent a lot of time on this fic, and im sorta sad to see it be finished?? but also im happy. so thanks for reading this whole damn fic, i hope you've enjoyed my work. i never imagined almost 17k people reading my shit, so thanks so much guys!!!  
> also thanks to shatteredsky_art for beta-ing a shit ton of my chapters you're the best fucking friend ever

Epilogue

 

It was a warm April morning in Brooklyn. A cool wind wafted through the shared apartment of Peter Parker and Wade Wilson. The breeze ruffled the curtains in Peter’s room. The boy looked peaceful, as he had just gotten the best night of sleep in a long time. He told himself that he could stay asleep for five more minutes, and was about to roll back over when-

 

_ HONKKK _

 

An air horn went off right next to his ear. Peter leapt onto the ceiling, his blanket still clasped tightly in his hand. When Peter saw the intruder’s face, he dropped the blanket and sighed, putting a palm on his forehead. 

“Wade, it’s a Saturday. What the fuck.”

Wade laughed and threw the air horn out of the window. They heard a loud crash of shattering glass, but Wade chose to ignore that.

“It’s date day! Remember?”

 

Peter dropped back down to his bed and thought for a moment. He remembered the previous night Wade had asked if Peter wanted to go on a date, and Peter had reluctantly said yes. Peter began to regret agreeing to the date, but was jolted from his thoughts when Wade started talking again.

 

“I know I said I’d take you on a date, but why not a whole  _ date day _ ? Just you, me, and the great big world.”

Wade put an arm around Peter and waved his hands around vaguely. Peter chuckled and stood up, stretching his arms.

“So, when do we start?”

“Right now!” Wade said enthusiastically, getting back on his feet. He began to walk out of Peter’s room, but turned around and said one last thing over his shoulder.

“I’m making breakfast, so be ready!”

 

If Peter only knew one thing about Wade, ti would b that he made the fucking  _ best _ breakfasts known to man. His bacon was godly, and his tacos were fucking amazing. Motivated by the idea of good food, Peter sped up and got dressed faster.

Throwing on a shirt, Peter stumbled into the kitchen. He began salivating at the scent of pancakes and syrup. When Wade noticed the younger man, he turned around from the stove and smiled.

“Extra syrup?” Peter asked. Wade nodded.

“Extra syrup.”

 

{Little does he know the secret ingredient in our batter is syrup}

[Pfft what we don’t overuse syrup]

{It’s like the windex thing from  _ My Big Fat Greek Wedding _ }

Peter sat at the table and Wade transferred the pancakes to his plate. Peter waited for a moment, and soon enough Wade sat down next to him and began munching on his own pancaked. Peter took a bite of the pancakes and then threw his head back and moaned. He stayed there for a moment, and then began shoveling more fluffy goodness into his mouth.

“This,” he said in between bites, “is fucking amazing.”

Wade chuckled and finished up his pancakes. When Peter pushed his plate away from him and put his hands on his belly in satisfaction, Wade pushed the plate right back and Peter continued eating the pancakes.

“Are you trying to get me to not fit in my suit?”

Wade laughed and took the empty plate away from Peter. When he thought Peter wasn’t looking, he licked the plate clean of syrup, which made Peter roll his eyes.

“So what are we doing today?” Peter asked. 

“Patrol!” Wade said a bit too enthusiastically. He then pulled Peter’s suit out of who-knows-where and threw it at the younger man.

“Get changed and meet me back here in five.”

Peter saluted and iggled.

“Yes sir.”

Wade smiled and then went back to his room to change into his own suit.  
  


 

* * *

 

 

Spider-man swung through the sky. Today was about him and Wade more so than patrol, but it was always nice to be outside in the warm spring weather. Wade was in his Deadpool suit. At times Peter saw him leaping from rooftop to rooftop beneath him, but other times he would eb gone for up to ten minutes. Soon enough Peter heard the older man call for him.

 

“Pe- I mean Spidey! Spidey! C’mere!”

Peter let go of his web and dropped to the rooftop. Wade was too exhausted to applaud his landing.

“What’s up, Deadpool?”

Wade put a hand up to signify that he needed a moment. He was bending over and wheezing. His hands were coated in a dark sticky liquid that Peter assumed was blood.

 

“Did.. it… hurt?” Wade asked, still panting.

“I should be asking you that. Is that blood yours or someone else's?”

Wade let out a pained chuckle.

“Ask me ‘did what hurt?’”

“Let me guess,” Peter started, rolling his eyes, “did it hurt when I fell from heaven?”

Wade straightened up and his breathing became less pained.

“No.”

“What?”

Wade grinned.

“Did it hurt when you fell for me?”

Peter put a palm on his forehead but chuckled. Wade joined in on the laugher, which grew and grew until they were both falling over and guffawing so hard they feared that their lungs were about to pop.

 

{On the subject of popping lungs-}

 

After they stopped their laughing, Wade grabbed Peter’s hand and dragged him across the roof.

“Wade? What’s going on?”

Wade didn’t respond. Instead, he motioned to the pavement of the alleyway below them. Wade smiled brightly. Peter took one look at the alley and then pulled his mask over his nose and retched into the alleyway. Wade gave Peter a concerned look, and patted him on the back. 

“You okay?”

Peter wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and rolled his mask back up.

“What the fuck.”

Wade sighed.

“I thought it was romantic!”

Peter rolled his eyes and looked back into the alleyway. Below him there were multiple mutilated bodies, all torn apart. Their organs and limbs were arranged in a giant heart. In the middle there was a human heart, fresh and still covered in a layer of thick blood. Peter stared at the brutal scene for a moment, and then his still-intact heart softened. He began to realise that this was how Wade showed love, no matter how disgusting it was. After making an easy decision, Peter turned to Wade and hugged him.

“While I normally am not one for killing, that’s pretty damn cute.”

Wade’s face glowed with delight, and Peter was instantly happy that he said what he did.

“Just don’t do it again,” he added quickly. Wade chuckled.

“Maybe, maybe not,” Wade said. He snatched Peter’s hand back and then sauntered off, the young man being dragged behind.

 

“Wade?” Peter asked, jogging to keep up with the mercenary, “What’s going on? We only patrolled for like two hours. It’s barely after lunch.”

Wade straightened.

“Shit, baby boy. I forgot about lunch!”

“Well  _ that’s _ a first,” Peter mumbled. Wade lightly hit him, and Peter giggled. Wade then started walking in the other direction.

“Where are we going?”

“Lunch.”

 

* * *

  
  


Peter and Wade sat on the top of the Empire State building, shoving tacos down their throats faster than any human should be able to.

{That’s not the only thing that we want down our throat}

Peter finished his five tacos before Wade, and then put his hands on his belly and burped loudly. Wade applauded loudly, but then gasped.

“How were you able to finish your tacos before I finished mine? I’m the fucking  _ king _ of tacos!”

Peter just laughed and burped again.

“I think I’m in love,” Wade swooned.

“We cleared that up a while ago.”

“So I can’t fall in love with you again?”

Peter heard Wade’s slightly dejected tone, and instantly changed his mindset.

“Wade, you can fall in love with me as many times as you want, and I will always love you back.”

Wade put a hand over his heart and smiled. He then checked the time on his Hello Kitty ( ™ )  watch. When he found that it was around four o'clock, he shoved the rest of his tacos down his gullet and stood up, packing up his stuff.

“Wade,” Peter warned, “it can’t be healthy to shove two tacos down your throat at once.”

“I’ve stuck a lot more of worse things down my throat,” Wade said with a wink. Peter blushed, and Wade leapt off the roof.

“Meet me back home!” he shouted before disappearing. Peter knew that eh would be fine, so he sprinted to the edge of the roof and then leapt off. He shot a web to the nearest building and pulled on it when he was a foot away from the heavy traffic. The narrow miss awoke the adrenaline in his veins, and he swung around the city a bit before climbing through his bedroom window.

 

“Wade?” Peter called into the seemingly empty apartment. The shower shut off. Peter just then realised the shower had been on.

_ Why didn’t my spider senses pick that up? _ He asked himself.

_ Maybe it’s because I don’t see Wade as a danger anymore. _

 

Wade left the bathroom, steam wafting out behind him and a towel wrapped around his waist.

“What’s up?”

“How… how did you get here so fast?”

Wade simply winked and went to his bedroom. Peter hurried to follow him.

 

“Where are we going?” Peter asked. Wade sighed as he pulled a shirt over his head. When his head was uncovered, Wade turned to look at Peter.

 

“Pack your bags, Petey. We’re going to a sleepover.”  
  


* * *

  
Peter huffed and crossed his arms. 

“Wade, I get the whole heart made from dismembered organs as a cute date idea, but you could at least tell me where we’re going, why we’re in a taxi and not webbing our way here, and why two grown-ass men like you and I are going to a  _ sleepover _ .”

Wade chuckled.

“All will be answered in due time, baby boy.”

“Also, do you have to be wearing the suit? Anybody that you plan to sleep near has to be trusted enough to see your face.”

Wade’s expression darkened.

“Good idea, baby boy, but I ain’t in the mood to go maskless around these people any time soon. And i isn’t for any security reasons.”

Peter nodded understandingly. He got that Wade was very self-conscious about his skin, and did his best to support Wade when he could, but also get off his back at the right times.

The taxi stopped, and Wade got out. He stopped Peter from opening his own door, and instead opened it for him and gave him a hand out.

“M’lady,” Wade said, grinning hugely. Peter raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

After receiving their bags from the trunk, Wade shut the trunk and went to the driver’s side window and high fived Dopinder, who smiled and wished him a good evening. Wade waved him off, and then grabbed Peter’s bags from his hands.

“I can carry my own bags!” Peter protested, trying to grab them back. Wade chuckled, and then grabbed Peter’s waist and slung him over his shoulder. Peter squealed, and Wade just started laughing. Wade walked two blocks with Peter over his shoulder until the younger man was squirming so much that he couldn’t stand it. Wade put Peter down lightly, but refused than over the bags They walked another block, and then found themselves at the base of Stark Tower.

 

Tony Stark was having a rather nice evening, thank you very much. No one had threatened to kill him, a few of his stocks went up by at least 15%, he hadn’t witnessed any PDA or felt bad about his current relationship status, and he hadn’t seen the pesky mercenary Wade Wilson. Well, at least not until 6.

Tony looked up from his book as the clock chimed six and the doors to his elevator opened. Inside were Clint Barton, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Bucky Barnes, Peter Parker, Bruce Banner, and Wade Wilson.

{A healthy dose of alliteration}

Tony sighed and put a hand to his forehead. The heroes began filing out of the elevator and chattering loudly, lounging on the couches and moving Tony’s stuff out of the way. When Wade knocked over a rather important bundle of papers, Tony started to lose his shit.

“What… What the fuck is going on?” He sputtered, attempting to save another stack of papers from Wade’s unforgiving instinct to knock everything over.

“Avengers sleepover featuring Wade and Peter!” chirped Clint, laying back on the couch.

“We’re grown ass men!” Tony said. After a glare from Natasha, he added “and women.“

“That’s what I was trying to say!” Peter gestured wildly at Wade, who just smirked.

“Well I plan for this sleepover to be the  _ first _ good Avengers sleepover.” Wade stated, crossing his arms and putting his chin up.

“You’ve been invited to more than one?” Peter asked incredulously. He couldn’t help feeling a pang of jealousy when Wade nodded.

“This one will be  _ so _ much better,” Wade said.

“Doubtful,” Tony grumbled under his breath. Wade furrowed his brow.

“What was so terrible about the last one?” Peter asked.

“Clint wanted to play spin the bottle.”

“And?”

“Let’s just say it ended with Barnes and Noble,” Wade gestured at Steve and Bucky, who looked at him innocently, “wouldn’t stop making out and touching each other’s you-know-whats.”

Steve blushed and buried his head in Bucky’s shoulder while Bucky smirked.

“Worth it,” Bucky stated.

“Is that the only bad sleepover?” Peter asked once again, mildly entertained by Wade’s stories.

“Nope. Last year, a very,  _ very _ drunk Tony tried to install a dildo on Dum-E.”

Peter thought about the mildly dysfunctional robot and what it could do with a dildo, and started laughing. Tony glared at Wade, but the mercenary joined Peter in laughter. 

Tony rolled his eyes and sighed deeply.

“I’m gonna need a  _ lot _ more vodka.”

 

Clint clapped his hands together loudly until everyone looked at him. Most of the Avengers had been a bit confused about why they were at a sleepover, but Clint and Wade, the organizers of the event, didn’t respond to questions and instead hit people with pillows.

 

“Alright,” Clint started when he had everyone’s attention, “we’ve got to do shit before sleeping. Any ideas?”

When Tony raised his hand meekly, Clint sighed.

“No, Tony,” he said, not letting the man speak. “We aren’t leaving your home, so deal with it.”

Tony sighed but said nothing.

“Any other ideas?” Clint asked hopefully.

“We could talk about our crushes!” Wade exclaimed loudly. Everybody groaned at that, but Wade ignored them.

“My crush has curly umber hair and brown doe-eyes. He’s got a fuckin hot body, most likely from all the spidery shit he does.”

Peter blushed, but Tony slammed his drink on his desk.

“I can barely accept the fact that you two are a thing, but ixnay on the flirting thing,” Tony said, waving his hand around vaguely. Wade glared at Tony and then pulled up the bottom part of his mask and pulled a rather surprised Peter into a short and only somewhat chaste kiss. Tony sighed and looked away, while Clint applauded.

“Alright,” Clint started again, “any other ideas?”

“Truth or dare?”

Peter rolled his eyes.

“Have you been to a sleepover  _ besides _ one being hosted by an angsty teen girl?  Plus, it’s only nine o’clock.”

Wade shook his head, and Peter chuckled.

“How about Cards Against Humanity?

Everyone looked around and nodded. Steve gave Peter a confused look, so Peter moved to sit next to him and began explaining the game to him quietly. By the time he was done, the game was all set up and the cards were dealt, so he moved from his spot next to Wade. Before Wade had a chance to choose the first black card, Natasha put her cards down and walked towards the elevator.

“Leaving so early?” Clint asked. Natasha turned around.

“I’ve got business to attend to,” she responded curtly.

“Please,” Tony begged, “don’t leave me with them.”

Natasha offered tony a small smile and a shrug, and then she was in the elevator with the doors closing on her somewhat smug face.

After a moment of silence, Wade threw Natasha’s cards into the discard pile, and they began to play.

 

The game was Wade versus Peter versus Bucky and Steve versus Clint versus Tony. Tony and Bruce had been a team, but once they started losing Bruce took off his glasses, laid down on a couch, and promptly fell asleep.

After ten minutes of losing without Bruce, Tony got upset and stormed out. Wade thought that was the funniest thing. Tony made the quick decision not to leave the hooligans alone in his private rooms, so instead he took a quick look at the ever-so-peaceful Bruce. Tony caught himself staring at Bruce for longer than anticipated, o he just went with his first instinct and laid down on the plush couch next to Bruce. The scientist’s arms instinctively wrapped around the engineer. Tony leaned back into the embrace and fell asleep within minutes.

 

{For the spawn of satan, Tony can be pretty damn cute}

[Don’t let Petey hear that. Or Tony, for that matter]

 

Steve had dropped out of the game after losing to Wade’s  _ She’s a lady in the streets, she’s a  _ **_MechaHitler_ ** _ in the sheets _ , and Bucky reluctantly followed. The two men watched the game proceed on for a few minutes, but then retired to their own couch that faced away from everyone else. Every once in a while Peter’s super-hearing or Clint’s hearing aids would pick up a soft moan, but they both did their best to ignore it.

 

It was down to the final three; Wade, Peter, and Clint. Peter had seven black cards, and Wade and Clint both had ten black cards. The two men in the lead kept narrowing their eyes at each other, which kept concerning Peter, who dropped out of the race shortly after Clint and Wade had ended up tied at 15. Peter began playing on Wade’s team.

 

Soon enough they both had nineteen cards. Clint was half asleep, and kept mumbling that he wanted to play for one more card, so they had agreed the first to twenty cards would win.

Wade narrowed his eyes at Clint, who narrowed his eyes back. Clint’s eyes slowly began to close, and he drifted off into sleep. Peter looked at Clint, then at Wade, then back at Clint, who he lightly punched in the shoulder. Clint jolted awake, and then put a card down. Wade kept his eyes narrowed at Clint, and put his card down. Peter flipped both cards over, and then read them out loud along with the black card.

“Summer lovin’, had me a blast.  _ The gay agenda _ , happened so fast.”

Peter snorted loudly.

“Summer lovin’, had me a blast.  _ Eating too many Cinnabons and the vomiting and then eating the vomit _ , happened so fast.”

Peter stumbled over the last one, and Clint smirked. Peter looked at the two cards for a while, and when he felt both Wade’s and Clint’s hot breath on the back of his neck he threw his hands in the air and threw the cards across the room.

“The gay agenda wins!” Peter shouted. Wade whooped and pulled Peter into a kiss that was meant to be short but deepened quickly. Clint groaned loudly.

“I’m not against PDA, but jeez, you two.”

Wade chuckled into the kiss. Clint got up and picked up the cards that were strewn everywhere, mumbling something about being single after seeing Peter and Wade, Steve and Bucky, and Tony and Bruce. Clint then found a not occupied couch and laid down.

 

Wade grabbed peter’s waist and picked him up. Peters legs instinctively wrapped around the older man’s hips as Wade carried him to the couch.

 

{We’re already in position, we might as well fuck him}

[But the Avengers are here!]

{Even better}

 

Wade set Peter down softly and then laid besides him. The kiss became more passionate, Wade’s tongue beginning to explore Peter’s mouth. Peter moaned, which just prompted Wade to continue. They stayed like that which, for Peter, felt like both forever and not long enough. 

 

* * *

  
  


Peter woke up around two in the morning to find a room full of sleeping heroes. He stretched his arms while trying not to move and wake Wade, whose arms were wrapping him in a cozy embrace. Wade was still wearing his suit, but his mask had been rolled up. After clearing the sleep from his eyes, Peter noticed another person in the room that hadn’t been there before. Peter managed to pry one of Wade’s arms off of him, and then grabbed a pillow and slid out of the grip, replacing his own body with the plush pillow. Peter watched Wade in anticipation, and Wade simply rolled over a bit and grunted. Peter then began to move away from Wade and towards the intruder as quietly possible.

The man was seated at one of the many tables in the room, and was lounging on a plush armchair. When Peter sat across from him and gave him a lazy smile, he grinned in return.

“Friend Peter! How have you been faring?”

Peter laughed a bit inside. He didn’t see Thor much, but when he did he was either in a battle of sorts or passed out, so he treasured the time with the Asgardian hero.

“I’m fine, Thor. How are you? I haven’t seen you lately.”

Thor cocked his head, as if he was really thinking deeply about his response to Peter’s simple question.

“As of late, I have been dealing with problems of the more… internal sort. I am debating on what to do with Jane. My heart melts when I am around her, however when I am away, I both long to be with her, but I also know that if I stay with her, one day she will pass.”

Peter looked at Thor sadly. He had gone through similar things, but he had never rrealised he needed someone until they were gone. He was about to speak up when Thor started talking again.

“I have decided to be with Jane as much as I can. I must treasure my time with her. While 90 years passes quickly for an Asgardian, it is an eternity for humans, and I plan to spend the next human eternity with Jane for I love her.”

Peter thought about this. Thor was virtually immortal, yet he wanted to spend his time with a mortal girl solely because he loved her.

_ Is this what Wade does? _

Wade had insane amounts of money, but still lived in a cramped apartment in Brooklyn. He could travel the world and work for anyone, but he had lowered his killing rates and did his best to stick around and be with Peter. He didn’t have to patrol, but he always went out when Spidey did. Peter’s eyes began to shine when he realised the sacrifices that Wade made for him daily. Even if he was a mere speck in Wade’s long life, Wade loved him and spent all his time with him, which showed dedication. Peter looked back up at Thor.

“Thank you,” he said simply. He then leaned over to give Thor a side-hug.

Thor patted the smaller man’s shoulder awkwardly.

“You’re welcome, Friend, however I don’t understand what this is about,” Thor said.

“Wade loves me.”

Thor just nodded. He understood that Wade’s healing factor made him near-immortal, and realised how strong the bond between the two men was, as Peter loved Wade, and Wade loved Peter back, even though he could be anywhere in the world.

After a few moments, Peter broke apart the hug and began slinking his way back to Wade.

“Goodnight,Thor,” Peter said quietly over his shoulder.

“Rest well, friend Peter,” the demigod responded. 

Peter lifted Wade’s arms away from the pillow and replaced his own warm body with the cushion. Wade tightened his arms around the younger man, and Peter assumed that it was instinct until Wade nestled his face into Peter’s hair and spoke.

“I love you, Peter.”

“I love you too, Wade.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Wade grumbled, rolling over. He didn’t want to wake up, as usual, but something was missing. He opened his eyes to find Peter stretching, his back to Wade. The only people in sight were a sleeping Clint, Tony making coffee, Bruce shuffling through some papers on Tony’s desk, and Bucky and Steve spooning. There seemed to be a dried…  _ something _ stain on the couch. Tony was  _ not _ going to be happy.

Wade took a dramatic look left, another one right, and then reached out and grabbed Peter’s ass. The younger boy squeaked loudly, and then whipped around.

“Wade!” Peter scolded, sitting down on the couch next to Wade.

“What?” Wade grinned, “it was too tempting!”

Peter rolled his eyes, and sat back down next to Wade.

“So,” Peter started, “what are we gonna do today?”

“Just lay around,” Wade said, rolling over so his back faced Peter.

“I’m gonna go back to sleep,” the mercenary murmured. Peter laughed and then elbowed him softly.

“Wade, this isn’t our house.”

“Tony won’t mind.”

Peter noticed Tony giving Wade’s form the stink-eye from afar.

“I think he does.”

Wade snickered and then rolled back over and sat up. Much to Peter’s surprise, he pulled the younger man into a soft kiss, and then leaned back, breaking the kiss.

“You’re the  _ best _ fucking boyfriend,” Peter said. Wade’s eyes widened.

“You just used the ‘B’ word.”

Peter nodded.

“Yeah I did. You _ are _ my B word.”

Wade smirked.

 

{He is our B word}

[Our bitch]

 

Peter smiled at Wade, who hugged him briefly and then let go as he stood up, stretching and yawning. His yawn sounded like a zombie moaning as it rose from the dead, and it woke Clint up.

“What’sgoingon,” Clint muttered, leaping off the couch and drawing an imaginary bow. Once he realised it was Wade yawning and that he wasn’t actually holding a bow, he meekly sat back down.

 

Peter looked at Wade.

“Do you want to socialize with these guys any more?”

Wade shook his dead.

“My monthly quota is complete.”

Peter nodded solemnly

“Ready to go?”

Wade recognized the twinkle in Peter’s eyes and smiled. He nodded and slung their bags over his shoulder, and grabbed Peter and hoisted him under his other arm. The Avengers gave them weird looks, and Tony knew what Wade was about to do a second before he did it.

 

“Wade, no-”

 

Wade started running towards the window. When he was two feet away, he curled his body around Peter, who reached an arm out, ready to web the nearest building. Wade shot through the glass like a 200 pound cannonball, and Peter shot a web, bringing them swooping dangerously close to the street before they were yanked up into the air. Wade whooped, and shifted so that he was riding piggyback style on Peter while midair, still clinging onto their bags. They swung all the way home, minus the ice cream break, as they hadn’t had breakfast and real food was overrated.

 

Peter dropped Wade off at the front door of the apartment building with the bags, and then swung back into the skyline after telling the older man that he would be back soon to go on patrol.

 

Peter loved moments like these. Moments when he wasn’t Peter Parker, the kid with two dead parents, but when he was Spider-man. Moments when he wasn’t concerned with money or food. He lived for the moments where he was able to swing around without a care in the world. He could go anywhere he wanted whenever, and that freedom was almost as captivating as the city in the morning. A thin layer of clouds separated the tops of buildings from the rest of the words, and Peter was right below that, shooting webs at the last possible minute so he skimmed the tops of cars and spun around buildings, letting go of the webs so he would free-fall and then catching himself. Soon enough, he had begun to tire so he found himself perched on the tilted glass roof of an office building. He tried to ignore the workers below him and just focus on his thoughts.

He loved Wade. Seriously. Wade was able to provide for both of them and had a heart so big that he would adopt 300 cats if Peter let him. Peter thought that one cat, especially a cat named Cucumber (or Cum for short), was plenty. Wade understood that Peter was anti-killing, so he had started taking up jobs that were justified; killing rapists and other people that were seriously fucked in the head. He had started patrolling with Peter, half to keep him company and half because he genuinely wanted to do some good. He always did his best to impress Peter and never did anything to hurt the boy. He got along perfectly with Aunt May, and Peter safely assumed that the two had met without him multiple times. 

Wade was perfect for him. Wade’s love for Peter balanced out his depression and his darker thoughts, and Peter’s compliments and overall bright attitude made Wade feel so much better about his skin. Oh, Wade’s skin. Wade thought it was the worst and ugliest thing in existence, but Peter thought it was beautiful. Not only because it was very unique, but also because Wade’s skin was an art canvas and it made Wade, well, Wade. Peter admired Wade’s strength, whether it was physical, mental, or his overall tolerance with the boxes and dealing with his schizophrenia. 

Peter sighed. Wade was  _ the _ perfect guy for him. He had experimented quite a bit with sexuality. He had dated MJ and Harry in highschool, and had ended up identifying as bisexual. He knew that Aunt May would support him whatever decisions he made, and he really appreciated that. 

Peter couldn’t imagine a life without Wade, a life without early morning jokes and shower troubles. A life without a docile game of Mario Kart turning into a full out brawl, and then back into a spooning session that quickly devolved into the two men sleeping on the couch together. A life without pancakes in the morning and tacos for every other. A life without happiness. 

 

Peter got up. He decided to go home, as he was about to go patrol with Wade. The loving thoughts lingered in his head the whole way home.

 

He had left his bedroom window open, so he pulled himself into a diving position and shot through the window. He slammed into his bed, but hit his head on the dresser. He grumbled and rubbed where he hit his head as he got up and shut the window, but he couldn’t stay upset for long, as he’d had such a good past few days and that landing was fucking amazing.

 

He opened his bedroom door and made his way towards the kitchen, where Wade was humming quietly and microwaving some chinese takeout leftovers.

 

“Wade, is that your apron?”

Wade whipped around, but then smiled and posed when he found that it was Peter in the doorway.

“Yep! Do ya like it?”

Peter ignored Wade’s question.

“You’re microwaving takeout. Do you really need the apron?”

Wade looked slightly offended. Peter sighed.   
“I’m sorry for asking, Wade. You look great.”

Wade grinned at that and then took his food out of the microwave.

“You hungry?” he asked Peter. Peter shook his head no, but his stomach grumbled and Wade chuckled. Wade put a heaping portion of noodles on a plate, and then gave Peter a fork. Peter raised an eyebrow at the whole sharing food concept, but said nothing.

 

They ate in silence for about five minutes. Wade kept trying to choose the same noodle as Peter, but it never worked out. Peter saw Wade trying hard, so he took one end of his noodle and offered it to Wade.

 

{First this noodle, then his  _ big _ noodle}

[I completely agree with that, but couldn’t you have worded it better?]

{I want his dick.}

[Blunt, but it’s an improvement]

 

Wade took the noodle graciously and put it in his mouth, slurping loudly. Peter began to eat his side of the noodle, and soon enough there was barely an inch between them. Wade ripped the noodle out of the way and kissed Peter, chewed-noodle mouth and all. Peter kissed back, but then suddenly Wade let go. Peter gave him a curious look, but Wade just kept shoveling pasta into his mouth. Peter laughed at that, and then finished his own food quickly. Wade burped loudly and put his hands on his belly. Peter rolled his eyes, which made the mercenary snicker.

 

“Patrol?” Peter asked, happy to break the somewhat awkward silence.

“Patrol.” Wade agreed. They were both in their suits, so they just donned their masks and waltzed down the stairs to the front door of the apartment building, arm in arm. 

Peter pulled up his mask to his nose turned to Wade.

“Wade,” he said softly, “you’re fucking amazing.”

“You’re pretty cool too,” Wade said, rolling his own mask up.

Peter pulled Wade into a kiss. It wasn’t chaste or full of desperation, it was just  _ them. _ The world disappeared and it was just Wade and Peter, just Spider-man and Deadpool, and no one else mattered. Wade loved Peter, and Peter loved Wade. 

When they broke apart, they smiled at eachother, and then rolled their masks back down.

Wade looked at Peter, who nodded, and Wade climbed onto Peter’s back. Peter grunted, but then stood up straight and shot a web to the nearest tall building. He pulled on the web, shooting himself and Wade into the city skyline, both of them clinging onto each other.

“I LOVE YOU!” Wade shouted into Peter’s ear over the rushing wind. Peter smiled under his mask.

“I love you too, Wade.”

 

The two men swung into the early morning mist, knowing that they loved each other and that was all that they needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this fic!!!!!! im writing another spideypool fic right now. its a lot more angsty though.  
> please leave kudos and comment what you thought, where i can improve, or if it wasn't gay enough. also tell you're friends; i love it when people read my work

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! please leave kudos and comment what you thought and where i can improve in my writing


End file.
